[JOTD] Joke of the day

[aum]

The American tourist stood staring at the highland sentry standing guard outside Edinburgh Castle.

 

After a few minutes she went up to the sentry and asked 'I've always wanted to find out what's worn under the kilt'.

 

The sentry replied: 'There is nothing worn, Ma'am, its all in perfect working order'.

 

[Karlston]

It's fashionable nowadays for parents to choose Spanish-Scandinavian names for their babies.

 

Yeah. There’s Juan Bjorn every minute.

[unding69]

I Remember When my mom was Beating me up Once, So I pretended I was Dead. She start crying . I Woke Back up and She Beat me again.

[aum]

"Why did you choose to be cremated?"

"Being cremated is my last chance to have a smoking hot body!"

 

[Karlston]

I found out today that my bicycle pump fits perfectly up my nose.

 

It blew my mind.

[aum]

The marriage between the elderly farmer and his young wife was not working out too well, so the farmer consulted his doctor for advice. "The next time you're down in the field plowing and feel a yearning for your wife don't wait until lunch time or the end of the day, but quit what you're doing and go to the house," said the doctor.

"I tried that," said the farmer, "But by the time I get to the house, I am so tuckered out, it's no use."

The doctor thought for a minute, "Take your shotgun with you when you leave the house in the morning and if you feel the urge, shoot the gun and she will come down there where you are."

A few weeks later the two men met on the street.

"How did it work out?" asked the doctor.

"Fine, the first three days," said the farmer, "But then hunting season opened and I haven't seen her since."

 

 

[aum]

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

he replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

 

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

 

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

 

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

 

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is 'yes'."

 

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

 

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."

 

[Karlston]

I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud mask.

 

You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.

[aum]

My local college just announced the end of a scientific study.

Results showed that out of 2,293,618,367 people, 94% are too lazy to actually read that number.

 

[aum]

A young pastor was sitting in a restaurant eating lunch. He opened a letter he’d just received that morning from his mom. As he opened it a twenty-dollar bill fell out. He thought to himself, Thanks, Mom, I sure needed that right now.

 

As he finished his meal, he noticed a beggar outside on the sidewalk leaning against the light post. Thinking that the poor man could probably use the twenty dollars more than he, he crossed out the names on the envelope and wrote across the top in large letters, PERSEVERE!

 

So as not to make a scene, he put the envelope under his arm and dropped it as he walked past the man. The man picked it up and read the message and smiled.

 

The next day, as the pastor enjoyed his meal, the same man tapped him on the shoulder and handed him a big wad of bills. Surprised, the young pastor asked him what that was for.

 

The man replied, “This is your half of the winnings. Persevere came in first in the fourth race at the track yesterday and paid thirty to one.”

 

[aum]

One day a college professor of Psychology was greeting his new college class. He stood up in front of the class and said, "Would everyone who thinks he or she is stupid please stand up?"

 

After a minute or so of silence, a young man stood up.

 

"Well, good morning. So, you actually think you're a moron?" the professor asked.

 

The kid replied, "No sir, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself."

 

[aum]

I met a nice girl at a bar last night and asked her to call me when she made it home.

 

She must be homeless.

 

[Karlston]

How to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity in RETIREMENT (it's called 'therapy’)

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on, point a hair dryer at passing cars and watch them slow down!

2. On all your check stubs, write, "For Sexual Favors"

3. Skip down the street rather than walk, and see how many looks you get.

4. With a serious face, order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat.

5. Sing along at The Opera.

6. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream 'I Won! I Won!'

 

7. When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the car park, yelling, 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

8. Tell your children over dinner, 'Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go....'

9. Pick up a box of condoms at the pharmacy, go to the counter and ask where the fitting room is.

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity:

 

10. Go to a large Department store's fitting room, drop your drawers to your ankles and yell out, "There's no paper in here!”

[aum]

'Pre' means before.

'Post' means after.

To use both prefixes together would be preposterous!

 

 

[aum]

A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon. After two weeks they came back and finally put away all of the presents they received from friends and family. Since this was a new home, the process took some time.

 

A week later, they received in the mail two tickets for a popular show where tickets were impossible to get. They were very excited and warmed by the gesture of the person who sent this. Inside the envelope, however, was only a small piece of paper with a single line, "Guess who sent them."

 

The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor, but failed in the effort. They went to the theatre, and had a wonderful time. On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value.

 

And on the bare table in the dining room was a piece of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets: "Now you know!"

 

[Karlston]

A man approaches a gorgeous woman in a department store and says to her "I have lost my wife somewhere in here, would you be able to talk to me for a little while".

 

The woman replies "OK, but why?"

 

The man then says "Because every time I talk to a gorgeous lady my wife appears out of nowhere."

[Akaneharuka]

Err. . . . Actually you CAN`T 

[ducky88]

There was a couple who were big over-spenders.
They always dreamed to spend holidays in Hawaii, but they were never able to save any money to do so.
One day they came up with an idea -- each time they had sex, they would put $50 note into a piggy bank.
They bought the piggy, and followed that procedure for about a year.
After that time, they decided that there was enough money for their dream vacation and broke the piggy bank.
The husband looked at their savings and said: "Isn't it strange. Each time we had sex, I put $50 into the piggy. But I see tons of $100 notes
The wife replied, "Do you think that everybody is as stingy as you are?"

[aum]

A plumber was called to a woman's apartment in New York to repair a leaking pipe. When he arrived he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite a luscious, well-stacked babe, and during the course of the afternoon the two became extremely friendly.

 

About 5.30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing the bedroom shenanigans. "That was my husband," she said, "He's on his way home, but he's going back to the office around 8. Come back then, dear, and we can take up where we left off."

 

The union plumber looked at the woman in disbelief. "What? On my own time??"

 

Edited July 12, 2021 by aum

[aum]

Death and taxes are inevitable.

 

But at least death doesn't get worse every year!

[aum]

[aum]

A Canadian customer was calling to find out if there was a faster way to trigger menu commands than mousing up to the menus.

Agent: "Certainly, sir. There are keyboard shortcuts for many of those commands. For example, suppose you want to trigger the Select All command."

Caller: "Yes, I use that one all the time! How do I do it?"

Agent: "Well, you just press Control-A."

Caller (after a pause): "Well, that's not working for me."

Agent: "Do you have a text document open in front of you?"
Caller: "Yes, I sure do."
Agent: "OK, now press Control-A."
Caller: "I am, but nothing happens."
Agent: "The text isn't highlighted?"
Caller: "No, there's no change at all."
Agent: "That's odd. If you press Control-A the whole document should be highlighted. Try it again. Press Control-A. Tell me exactly what's happening."

Caller (nearing his Canadian breaking point): "Listen. I'm pressing Control, eh? And nothing's happening, eh?"

 

[aum]

Every newspaper in New York sent a reporter and a staff photographer to the office of a local ophthalmologist when it was learned that he recently performed a successful sight- saving operation on the wife of the country's most celebrated mural artist, who, in addition to paying the doctor's usual fee, had gratefully insisted on painting one of his contemporary masterpieces across an entire wall of the doctor's waiting room.

 

The mural turned out to be an immense multicolored picture of a human eye, in the center of which stood a perfect miniature likeness of the good doctor himself.

 

While cameras clicked and most of the newsmen crowded around the famous artist for his comments, one cub reporter drew the eye specialist aside and asked:

 

"Tell me, if you can, Doctor-what was your first reaction on seeing this fantastic artistic achievement covering an entire wall of your office?"

 

"To tell the truth," the physician replied, "my first thought was, thank goodness I'm not a hemorrhoid specialist!"

 

[aum]

A redneck farmer from back in the hills walked twelve miles, one way, to the general store. "Heya, Wilbur," said Sam, the store owner. "Tell me, are you and Myrtle still making fires up there by rubbing stones and flint together?"

"You betcha, Sam. Ain't no 'tother way. Why?"

"Got something to show you. Something to make fire. It's called a Match."

'Match? Never heard of it."

"Watch this. If you want a fire you just do this," Sam says, taking a match and striking it on his pants."

"Huh. Well, that's something, but that ain't for me, Sam."

"Well, why not?"

"I can't be walking twelve miles to borrow your pants every time I want a fire."  

 

 

[Karlston]

I'm writing a book about reverse psychology.

 

Please don't buy it.