[JOTD] Joke of the day

[aum]

A husband and wife are campaigning for a friend who is contesting the local elections. They both become so busy that they do not think of anything else but about the elections - so much so that they communicate about everything in political language.

One night the husband wants to have sex desperately, but seeing the wife busy doing some work, goes to her and says, "I would like to put my candidate in your legislature."

The wife, not realizing this was meant for something else, without raising her head says, "Our party is not going to accept this."

The husband is disappointed but he goes to sleep.

After some time the wife realizes what the husband meant, so she wakes him up and tells him, "Darling, now you can put your candidate in my legislature. "

The husband replied, "Sorry, I cannot do that. My candidate stood independent and lost his deposit!"

 

Edited June 26, 2021 by aum

[aum]

Wife: Why are you late?

Husband: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.

Wife: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?

Husband: No, I was standing on it.

 

[aum]

A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.

 

She looks the man up and down and says, I've got news for you. "You're going straight to hell!"

 

The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Shoot, I'm on the wrong bus!"

 

[Karlston]

[aum]

"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar.

"How do you know?" the friend asked.

"She didn't come home last night and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she had spent the night with her sister, Shirley."

"So?"

"So she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister, Shirley."

 

 

[aum]

A preacher, newly called to a small country town, needed to mail a letter.

 

Passing a young boy on the street, the pastor asked where he could find the post office.

 

After getting his answer, the minister thanked the boy and said, “If you’ll come to the community church this evening, you can hear me tell everyone how to get to heaven.”

 

“I don’t know, sir,” the boy replied. “You don’t even know how to get to the post office!”

 

[aum]

Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

 

The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring,and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filledwith water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom.

Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bea had flipped or something...!

When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer.

"Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" (pointing to the bowl).

"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful?

 

I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know... I haven't had a cold all winter."

 

[Karlston]

[aum]

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.

 

So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.

 

So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered he door if they could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

 

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do." said Bob.

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"

 

"She just died and left me everything."  

 

[aum]

Everyone asked a 100 year-old man for his health secrets: The old man said: “I’ll tell you you a secret. I’ve been married for 75 years. Promised my wife when we got married that when two people quarrel, the loser has to walk for 5 kilometers. I’ve been walking 5 kilometers everyday for 75 years!”

 

Everyone asked again:”But how come your wife’s very healthy as well?”

 

The old man answered: “I’ll tell you another secret: she’d been following me to make sure I really finish the 5 kilometers!”

[aum]

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN.

 

The only question asked was: “Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?”

 

The survey was a huge failure.

 

In Africa they didn’t know what “food” meant.

 

In Eastern Europe they didn’t know what “honest” meant.

 

In Western Europe they didn’t know what “shortage” meant.

 

In China they didn’t know what “opinion” meant.

 

In the Middle East they didn’t know what “solution” meant.

 

In South America they didn’t know what “please” meant.

 

And in the USA they didn’t know what “the rest of the world” meant.

 

[aum]

Having lost most of his hearing a number of years ago, this elderly man goes to the doctor to be fitted with hearing aids which promise to allow him to hear 100%.

 

A month later, he returns to the doctor for a check up on his progress.

 

The doctor tells him that his hearing is perfect and asks if his family is pleased.

 

The man says, “Oh, I haven’t told them about the hearing aids yet. I just sit around and listen to them talk.

 

I’ve changed my will three times!”

[aum]

He arrives at the pearly gates. Saint Peter is sitting high atop a chair at a podium greets him. "Jack O Pride, welcome to Heaven. We have seen your life's work. Here is a key to your mansion with ten rooms, silver gilded windows and golden walls. twenty angels to help you with your daily lifestyle here in Heaven."

The pastor smiles and nods as he walks through the gates.

Looking over his shoulder he sees the next guy arrive and stops to watch.

He can clearly hear Saint Peter talking to the man. He waits a moment and watches as the man comes in and gets escorted a couple hundred yards away to a palace made of platinum, with golden windows and the surroundings made of a metal he had never seem of before.

Quizzical, the pastor walks back to the entrance and asks Saint Peter what that gentleman do to get such a exquisite setup.

"Well", Saint Peter said. "He led thousands of people to the Lord."

"What?" exclaimed the pastor. "I've done the same thing!"

"Not quite Jack" replied Saint Peter. "Joe there was a bus driver who frequently drunk. You may have spoken to hundreds of people about the Lord; but they were listening.

 

While you were speaking of the Lord, Joe's fares were praying."

 

 

[Karlston]

I saw an advertisement that read: “Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.”

 

I thought to myself, “I can’t turn that down!"

[aum]

Little Johnny had not studied for his life science exam.

The teacher in the one room school house was giving an oral exam.

“What are the four main advantages of breast milk?” she asked.

“No need to boil.” called one student.”

And another?” the teacher questioned.

“It never goes sour.” said another child.

“Correct.” said the teacher.

“It is available whenever is necessary.” called out another.

“Johnny.” she asked. “Do you have the last answer?”

“Sure,” he said.

“It is available in attractive containers of varying sizes.”

He got an “A”.

 

[aum]

A 45 year old woman arrives home from her doctor’s exam, just gleaming with happiness.

Her husband, being a grump, asked: “What’s got you so happy!?”

The woman says, “The doctor said I am in great health. He was also impressed and said I have the breasts of a 20 year old!”

The husband scoffs.

Then asked, “Really? And what did he say about your 50 year old ass!?”

She responds, “I don’t know. He never asked about you.”

[aum]

As an airplane is taking off and is gaining altitude, the pilot comes on the intercom:

 

“Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. Thank you for choosing American Airlines. We are on our way to Miami and will reach cruisi….. FU***NG SH***T!! god FU***NG DVMN IT!!!  WHAT THE FVCK!!!”

 

For a moment, there as an eerie silence in the cabin. Then the pilot comes back on: “I do apologize, but our new stewardess spilled hot coffee on my lap. You should have seen my pants from the front.”

 

A passenger in the cabin says, “You should have seen my pants from the back.”

[aum]

The Wine Taster At An Old Vineyard Died. A Homeless Guy, Looking Ragged And Dirty, Came To Apply. He Persuaded The Manager To Give Him A Try.

 

The guy was given a glass of wine. He swirled, smelled, sipped and spit. “It’s a red wine, Merlot, three years old, grown on the South Slope and matured in oak barrels.” He said. “Impressive,” said the manager.

 

The man is given another. “Still a red wine, Cabernet, eight years old, from the Northeast slope, stored in a steel vats.”

 

The manager was amazed. He winked at his secretary. The secretary understood and brought out a glass of urine.

 

The drunkard tasted it and said. “It’s a blond, 27 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don’t get this job, I’ll tell who the father is!”

 

[aum]

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won’t quit came to his table and asked if he was ready to order: “What would you like, sir?”

 

He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, “A quickie.”

 

The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.

 

After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, “What would you like, sir?”

 

Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, “A quickie, please.”

 

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding “SMACK!” and storms away.

 

A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, “Um, I think it’s pronounced ‘QUICHE.'”

 

[Karlston]

It's so cold in Canberra, that I saw politicians with their hands in their own pockets.

[ducky88]

A doctor tells an old couple at his office he needs to get a stool sample, a urine sample, and a blood test from the old man. Hard of hearing, the old man asks his wife what the doctor said.

The wife replies, "He needs a pair of your underwear."

[aum]

People say that money is not the key to happiness.

But I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

 

[aum]

Three Pastors were having lunch together at a diner.

 

The first Pastor said, "You know, since summer started I've been having trouble with mice in my church. I've tried everything--noise, spray, cats--nothing seems to scare them away.

The second Pastor then said "Yeah, me too. I've got hundreds living in the basement of the church. I've set traps and even called an expert to get rid of them, yet they still won't go away."

With a grin on his face, the third Pastor said, "I had the same problem so I baptized all mine and made them members of the church.

 

Haven't seen one back since!!!"

 

[aum]

My husband and I went through the McDonald’s driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 bill.

Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.

She said, ‘you gave me too much money.’

I said, ‘Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar back.’

She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.

I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said ‘We’re sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.’

The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the people at MacD’s.

We had to have the garage door repaired.

The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a ‘large’ enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, ‘You need a 1/4 horsepower.’
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, ‘NOOO, it’s not. Four is larger than two.’
We haven’t used that repairman since.

 

I live in a semi-rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local city council office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: ‘Too many deers are being hit by cars out here! I don’t think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.’

My daughter went to a Mexican fast food and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for ‘minimal lettuce.’
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
‘Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?’
To which I replied, ‘If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?’
He smiled knowingly and nodded, ‘That’s why we ask.’

The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it’s safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an ‘intellectually challenged’ co-worker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, ‘what on earth are blind people doing driving?!’

When my wife and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
‘Hey,’ I announced to the technician, ‘its open!’
His reply, ‘I know. I already did that side.’

Stay alert!
They walk among us, they breed, and they vote.

 

[aum]

There was once a great actor, who had a problem.

He could no longer remember his lines.

Finally after many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

The director says, ”This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You must walk onto the stage carrying a rose, you must hold the rose with just one finger and your thumb to your nose, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line. ‘Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'”

The actor is thrilled.

All day long before the play he’s practicing his line, over and over again.

Finally the time came.

The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion, he delivered the line; “Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress”.

The theatre erupted, the audience screamed with laughter and the director was steaming! “You bloody fool!” he cried, “You have ruined me!”

The actor, quite bewildered, asked, “What happened, did I forget my line?” he asked.

“No!” the director screamed. “You forgot the bloody rose!”