aum Posted June 21, 2021 Share Posted June 21, 2021 A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die." "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?" "He said you're going to die," she replied. ducky88 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 21, 2021 Share Posted June 21, 2021 (edited) A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00 When The postal authorities received the letter addressed to : God , USA , they decided to send it to the President. The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down and wrote a thank-you note to God, which read: Dear God , Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC.Do you know those bureaucrats deducted $95.00 in taxes! Edited June 21, 2021 by aum Karlston and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 21, 2021 Share Posted June 21, 2021 A biology teacher wished to demonstrate to his students the harmful effects of alcohol on living organisms. For his experiment, he showed them a beaker with pond water in which there was a thriving civilization of worms. When he added some alcohol into the beaker the worms doubled-up and died. "Now," he said,” what do you learn from this?" An eager student gave his answer. "Well the answer is obvious," he said " if you drink alcohol, you'll never have worms." ducky88 and Karlston 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 21, 2021 Share Posted June 21, 2021 Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, and they give him $50." The second boy says, "That's nothing. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, and they give him $100." The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!" funkyy, ducky88 and Karlston 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted June 21, 2021 Share Posted June 21, 2021 aum, TrojanK, leapinlizards and 2 others 1 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 21, 2021 Share Posted June 21, 2021 As a woman was about to go home from a long and stressful day at the office, her cell phone rang. It was her husband. "Will you be joining me in the whirlpool bath tonight?" he asked. "What a lovely way to spend an evening," she thought. She was about to tell him how considerate he was when he continued, "because if you're not, I need to start adding more water to the tub." Karlston, ducky88 and funkyy 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 22, 2021 Share Posted June 22, 2021 A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, "How was I born?" "Well honey..." said the slightly prudish parent, "the stork brought you to us." "Oh," said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked. "Oh, the stork brought us too." "Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" he persisted. "Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the parent, by now starting to squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner. Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence: "This report has been very difficult to write because there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations." Read more on page: http://www.jokesoftheday.net/ Karlston and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 22, 2021 Share Posted June 22, 2021 A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall and idly picking his teeth. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, “How much money do you make a week?” A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, “I make $400 a week. Why?” The CEO said,”Wait right here.” He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, “Here’s four weeks’ pay. Now GET OUT and don’t come back.” Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked: “Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?” From across the room a voice said: “Sure – he was the Pizza delivery guy from Domino’s and was just waiting to collect the money!” Karlston and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andy2004 Posted June 22, 2021 Share Posted June 22, 2021 are scammers really dumb or are they just born that way. this was in my email today.. I've never purchased malwarebytes.. and just look at the price.. funkyy, ducky88 and Karlston 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 22, 2021 Share Posted June 22, 2021 Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?" One boy answers, "We found a £10 note and decided to give it to the person who tells the biggest lie." "You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age, I didn't even know what a lie was." The boys looked at each other then gave the £10 note to the teacher. Karlston, ducky88 and TrojanK 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted June 22, 2021 Share Posted June 22, 2021 TrojanK, ducky88 and aum 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ducky88 Posted June 23, 2021 Share Posted June 23, 2021 A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It's like here, let me hold that syrup for you, in these convenient boxes. I'd like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means "WOW That’s Fantastic!" Her texts are so much more fun now. aum and Karlston 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andy2004 Posted June 23, 2021 Share Posted June 23, 2021 you mean it doesnt ?? ducky88 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 23, 2021 Share Posted June 23, 2021 People call me self-centered. But that’s enough about them. ducky88 and Karlston 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 23, 2021 Share Posted June 23, 2021 A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer." The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer. "That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!" ducky88 and Karlston 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 23, 2021 Share Posted June 23, 2021 I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to buzz off! Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving! ducky88 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted June 23, 2021 Share Posted June 23, 2021 Arguing with your wife is like reading a software licensing agreement. In the end you just ignore everything and click “I agree”. ducky88, Archimede and aum 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 24, 2021 Share Posted June 24, 2021 Grandpa always said when one door closes, another one opens. Great man, horrible cabinet maker. ducky88 and Karlston 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 24, 2021 Share Posted June 24, 2021 "Cash, check or charge?" I asked, afterfolding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled forher wallet I noticed a remote control for a televisionset in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused tocome shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evilthing I could do to him." ducky88 and Karlston 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 25, 2021 Share Posted June 25, 2021 Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. Karlston and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 25, 2021 Share Posted June 25, 2021 The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this: You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery," and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment. Karlston, dac and ducky88 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted June 25, 2021 Share Posted June 25, 2021 ducky88 and TrojanK 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ducky88 Posted June 26, 2021 Share Posted June 26, 2021 The most high-impact aerobic exercise you can get is when you walk into a spider web..... I had an uncle who stole 100 pairs of trainers from a sports shop. He was on the run for 27 years Karlston and aum 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 26, 2021 Share Posted June 26, 2021 There were three little boys visiting their grandparents. The oldest came out and asked his grandpa, "Can you make a sound like a frog, Grandpappy? Grandpa (being in a kind of ill mood) responds, "No, I don't really want to make the sound of a frog now." So, the second little boy comes out and asks his grandfather, "Will you please make a sound like a frog?" Grandpa again says, "No, not now. I don't really want to do that.I'm in a grumpy mood. Maybe later." Then the third little boy comes out and says, "Grandpa, oh please...Please, please will you make a sound like a frog?" "Why do all of you boys want me to make a sound like a frog?" Grandpa asked. The little boy replied with a hopeful face, "Well, Mom said that when you croak, we get to go to Disney World!" ducky88 and Karlston 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted June 26, 2021 Share Posted June 26, 2021 aum, TrojanK, Archimede and 1 other 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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