[JOTD] Joke of the day

[aum]

The man credited with inventing the personal computer has died, due to a failure of his life support machine.

His last words were, "Have you tried switching it off and on again?"

 

[ducky88]

A little boy told his nursery teacher he found a dead cat.

"How did you know it was dead?" his teacher asked

"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move." the boy said.

"You did what?!" the teacher shrieked.

"You know," the boy explained, "I leaned over and went 'Psst!' in its ear and it didn't move!"

[aum]

A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Husband wanted'.

 

Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'

 

[aum]

A little boy asked his father, 'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'

 

And the father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'

 

[aum]

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work... the @$$hole is usually in charge.

 

[aum]

A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee.

 

On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone, "Get me a coffee, quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"

"No," replied the trainee.

"It's the CEO of the company, you fool!"

The trainee shouts back, "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!"

"No," replied the CEO indignantly.

"Good!" replied the trainee, and puts down the phone.

 

[aum]

Having been playing outside with his friends, a small boy came into the house and asked: “Grandma, what is it called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?”

His grandma was surprised to hear such a forthright question from a six-year-old but decided to answer as honestly as she could. “Well,” she said hesitantly, “it’s called sexual intercourse.”

“Oh, okay,” said the boy and he ran outside to carry on playing with his friends.

A few minutes later, he came back in and said angrily: “Grandma, it isn’t called sexual intercourse. It’s called bunk beds. And Jimmy’s mom would like a word with you!”

 

[aum]

Mr. Smythe had been giving his second-grade students a short lesson on science.

 

He had explained about magnets and showed them how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. And now it was question time....

 

"Class," he said, "my name begins with the letter 'M,' and I pick up things....What am I?"

 

A little boy on the front row said, "You're a mother."

 

[aum]

The pastor was greeting folks at the door after the service. A woman said, “Father, that was a good sermon.”

The priest replied, “Oh, I have to give the credit to the Holy Spirit.”

“It wasn’t THAT good!” she said.

 

[Karlston]

[ducky88]

Veteran rockers Pete Townshend and Roger Daltry were arrested earlier today after breaking into an animal shelter over night and releasing all the Doberman pinschers. Police say that they now have proof that The Who let the dogs out

[aum]

It was the end of the day when I parked my police car in front of the station.

 

As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.

 

"Is that a dog you got in the back seat there?" he asked.

 

"It sure is," I replied.

 

Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the car.

 

Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

 

[aum]

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work.

 

His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it.

So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed.

 

Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.

 

"Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!"

"That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"

 

[aum]

So I walked into this bar and heard two girls speaking in what sounded like a lovely Scottish accent.

 

I said: So, are you two girls from Scotland?

 

One of them said: "Wales Idiot!"

 

So I said: "Oh, I am terribly sorry about that. So, are you two Whales from Scotland?"

 

That's the last thing I remember.

 

[Karlston]

[aum]

"You see, doctor, I’m always dizzy for half an hour after I get up in the morning,” said Carla.

"I have the solution for you," replied the doctor.

"Really, what is it?"

“Well, try getting up half an hour later."

 

[Karlston]

[aum]

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room.

 

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze!"

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

And the second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"

 

 

[aum]

Elementary school talent shows are intense.

 

Some of the competitors really go for the juggler.

 

[Karlston]

[aum]

Sitting on the edge of the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car driving along at 22 M.P.H. He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car over. Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, said, "Officer, I don’t understand, Iwasn’t doing over the speed limit! What did you pull me over for?"

"Ma’am," the officer said, "You should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous".

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour", the old woman said proudly.

The officer, trying not to laugh, explains that 22 is the route number, not the speed limit. A little embarrassed, the woman smiled and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"Before I go Ma’am, I have to ask, is everyone ok? These women seem badly shaken and haven’t said a word since I pulled you over."

"Oh! they’ll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route142" .

 

[aum]

A cat dies and goes to Heaven.

 

God meets him at the gate and says, "You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask."

The cats says, "Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors."

God says, "Say no more." And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat. The mice said, "All our lives we've had to run. Cats, dogs and even women with brooms have chased us. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore."

God says, "Say no more." And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.

About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, "How are you doing? Are you happy here?"

The cat yawns and stretches and says, "Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!"

 

[Karlston]

[aum]

An Octogenarian moved to a new town and joined the local Country Club.

 

He went to the Club for the first time to play but was told everyone scheduled to play was already out on the course. He was so disappointed, the Assistant Pro said he would play with him and would give him a 12 stroke handicap.

The 80 year old said, "I really don't need a handicap. The only real problem I have is getting out of sand traps."

They both played well. Coming into the par three 18th they were even. The pro had a nice drive to mid-fairway and would be able to get on the green with the next stroke and then putt for a par with the following play.

The old man hit a long drive, and the ball landed in one of the two sand traps around the hole. Shooting from the sand trap on his second stroke, he hit a high ball which landed on the green and rolled right into the hole!

The Assistant Pro was stunned. "Nice shot, but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps."

"I do," replied the octogenarian. "Give me a hand."

 

 

Edited June 16, 2021 by aum

[aum]

Someone mistakenly leaves the cages open in the reptile house at the Bronx Zoo and there are snakes slithering all over the place.

Frantically, the keeper tries everything, but he can't get them back in their cages.

 

Finally he says, "Quick, call a lawyer!"

 

"A lawyer? Why?"

 

"We need someone who speaks their langauge!"