[JOTD] Joke of the day

[Archimede]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited May 7, 2021 by Archimede

[Archimede]

[ducky88]

I named my dog 5-Miles so I could tell people I walk 5-Miles everyday.

 

I asked my wife if she'd like a diamond necklace for her birthday.
She said "nothing would make me happier!".....So I got her nothing instead....

 

Tomorrow is National Apathy Day but I can’t be bothered

[Karlston]

[MagicSahar]

[Archimede]

[aum]

Michigan Lawyer: "Well Barney, so you want me to defend you? Have you got any money?"

Barney: "No sir. I ain't got no money, but I do get a 1928 Ford Car!"

Lawyer: "Well you can raise money on that. Now let's see, just what do they accuse you of stealing?"

Barney: "A 1928 Ford Car."

 

[MagicSahar]

[ducky88]

A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window. A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong, mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep.

The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can move aside to let him go to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.

Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer and hurls all over the big guy's chest.

About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.

"So," says the little guy, "are you feeling any better now?"

[Karlston]

The Perks of Being Over 50

 

Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
No one expects you to run into a burning building.
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
Things you buy now won't wear out.
You can eat dinner at 4 PM.
You can live without sex but not without glasses.
You enjoy hearing arguments about pension plans.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You sing along with elevator music.
Your eyes won't get much worse.
Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
Your joints are a more accurate meteorologist than the national weather service.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

[aum]

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

 

The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

 

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every 2 years -- say, a red Corvette?"

 

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

 

And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

 

[Karlston]

For John Cleese / Monty Python fans...

 

[Volcomuser]

unnoticed

learn to defend your valuable seed

[ducky88]

One evening, after the honeymoon, Dick was working on his Harley in the garage. His new wife was standing there by the bench watching him. After a long period of silence, she finally said, “Honey, I’ve just been thinking, now that we’re married, maybe it’s time you quit spending so much of your time out here in your garage. You probably should consider selling your Harley and all that welding equipment; they take up so much of your time. And that gun collection and fishing gear, they just take up so much space. And you know the boat is such an ongoing expense, and you hardly use it. I also think you should lose all those stupid model airplanes and your home brewing equipment…and what’s the use of that vintage hot rod?”

Dick got a horrified look on his face.

She noticed and said, “Darling, what’s wrong?”

He replied, “You were starting to sound like my ex-wife.”

“Ex-wife!?” she shouted, “YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!”

Dick replied, “I wasn’t…”

[aum]

I pulled a muscle digging for gold...

No worries though, it's just a miner injury.

 

[aum]

Two factory workers were talking. "I know how to get some time off from work." said the man.

"How do you think you will do that?" said the other one. He proceeded to show her...by climbing up to the rafters, and hanging upside down.

The boss walked in, saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he was doing? "I'm a light bulb" answered the guy.

"I think you need some time off," said the boss. So, the man jumped down and walked out of the factory. The second worker began walking out too. The boss asked her where did she think she was going?

"Home. I can't work in the dark."

 

[MagicSahar]

[aum]

A young man was visiting his brother and sister-in-law for the holidays. As he arrived at their house he found his young nephew, Timmy, helping them bake some cupcakes.

 

After they were done, his sister-in-law allowed Timmy to put the icing on. When the boy had finished, he brought them to the table.

 

"The cupcakes look delicious, Tim." his uncle said. He took a bite and said, "Timmy these are so good."

 

As he finished cupcake and took another, he again complimented his little nephew. "The cupcakes look beautiful, Tim," his uncle said. "How did you get the icing so neat?"

 

His nephew replied, "It was easy. I just licked them."

 

The uncle turned pale. He pointed to the plate of cupcakes. "You licked all of these?"

 

Timmie replied, "Well no. After a while my tongue got tired, and I got the dog to help."

 

[aum]

Her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.

 

When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

 

As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side.

 

Well, now that I think about it, I think you bring me bad luck!

 

[aum]

I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

'This is the 21st century,' she said. 'We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad.'.

I can tell you this... That fly never knew what hit him!

 

[aum]

The banker fell overboard from a friend's sailboat.

 

The friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up, not knowing if the banker could swim, and shouted, “Can you float alone?”

 

“Obviously,” the banker replied, “but this is a heck of a time to talk business.”

 

[ducky88]

A man walks into a church confessional and says to the priest, “Bless me, father, for I have sinned. I was with seven different women last night.”
The priest is silent for a moment, then says, “Go home and cut seven lemons in half. Squeeze the juice into a glass and drink it down in one gulp.”
“And I’ll be forgiven?” asks the man.
“No,” replies the priest, “but it will wipe that smirk off your face"

[MagicSahar]

[unding69]

Being rich is not easy..

Yesterday, I donated my phone, wallet and watch to a poor guy. You can't imagine the happiness that I felt as I saw him putting the gun back on his pocket. Kindness is everything 

[Krinal]

"This house," said the real estate salesman, "has both its good points and its bad points. To show you I'm honest, I'm going to tell you about both".

  "The disadvantages are that there is a chemical plant one block south and a slaughterhouse a block north". 

"What are the advantages" inquired the prospective buyer? 

"The advantage is that you can always tell which way the wind is blowing".