[JOTD] Joke of the day

[aum]

Patient 1: 'Why did you run away from the operation table?'

Patient 2: 'The nurse was repeatedly saying 'don't get nervous', 'don't be afraid', 'be strong', 'this is a small operation only', things like that.'

Patient 1: 'So what was wrong in that? Why were you so afraid?'

Patient 2: 'She was talking to the surgeon!'

 

[Karlston]

[ducky88]

Floyd the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'll be worth it. So, he buys Floyd. The farmer takes Floyd home and sets him down in the barnyard--then gives the rooster a pep talk.

"I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Floyd seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed toward the hen house and Floyd took off like a shot. WHAM! Floyd nailed every hen in the hen house, three or four times. The farmer was flabbergasted

After that the farmer heard a commotion in the duck pen. Sure enough, Floyd was there.

Later, the farmer saw Floyd after a flock of geese by the lake. Once again, WHAM! Floyd got all the geese.

By sunset the farmer saw Floyd in the field chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer was distraught and worried that his expensive rooster wouldn't last even 24 hours. The farmer went to bed.

When he awoke the next day, he found Floyd on his back--stone cold in the middle of the yard. Vultures were circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive bird, shook his head and said

"Oh, Floyd, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Floyd opened one eye, nodded toward the vultures circling in the sky and said, "Shhh! They're getting closer."

[aum]

John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, "I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away."

Just then Jessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed."

So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired."

And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.

Jessica said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired."

Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Jessica, shut your mouth!"

The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. "Does your husband always talk to you like that?"

Jessica replied, "only when he's drunk."

 

 

[aum]

All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades.

One knight told his best friend: "My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade."

The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching.
Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted.

A horseman approached. It was the knight's best friend.

He yells: "Hey, you gave me the wrong key!"

 

 

[Karlston]

[vitorio]

This is call subliminal advertising.

[aum]

A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he could out do anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had enough.

'Why don't you put your money where your mouth is,' he said.

'I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back.

'You're on, old man,' the braggart replied. Let's see you do it.'

 

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.

Then, nodding to the young man, he Said,

'All right, Dumb Ass, get in.'

 

[Karlston]

The CEO of IKEA was just elected president in Sweden.

 

He should have his cabinet together by the end of the week.

[aum]

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.

 

After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those new sports cars."

 

"She did," he replied, "but where the heck was I going to find a fake convertible?"

 

[aum]

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their P.J.'s, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers thrown all about the front yard. The door to his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.

 

A lamp had been knocked over, and a throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, Breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand lay piled up by the back door.

 

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and other piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried that she might be ill, or worse!

 

He found her lounging into the bedroom, still in her pajamas, reading a novel.

 

She smiled, looked up at him and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

 

She again smiled and answered, "you know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?"

 

"Yes", he replied reluctantly.

 

She answered, "We'll, today I didn't do it!"

 

[Karlston]

My email password has been hacked again.

That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.

[ducky88]

A computer programmer happens across a frog in the road. The frog pipes up, "I'm really a beautiful princess and if you kiss me, I'll hang out with you for a week". The programmer shrugs his shoulders and puts the frog in his pocket.

A few minutes later, the frog says "OK, OK, if you kiss me, I'll be your girlfriend for a week". The programmer nods and puts the frog back in his pocket.

A few minutes later, "Turn me back into a princess and I'll be your girlfriend for a whole year!". The programmer smiles and walks on.

Finally, the frog says, "What's wrong with you? I've promised lots of fun with a beautiful princess for a whole year and you won't even kiss a frog?"

"I'm a programmer," he replies. "I don't have time for girls.... But a talking frog is pretty neat."

[aum]

There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death.

 

Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. At the séance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?"

A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you."

Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?"

"It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time."

"What do you do all day?" asked Martha.

"Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m."

Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?"

"Heaven? I'm not in heaven, Martha."

"Well, then, where are you?"

"I'm a rabbit in Arizona."

 

[aum]

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

 

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

 

'What in bag?' asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'

 

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, 'Good trade.'

 

[Karlston]

The whole Suez debacle could have been sorted much faster.

 

Everyone knows you call a plumber when the Suez blocked.

[ducky88]

A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse attached around his neck. He walks up to the meat counter and calmly sits there until it's his turn to be served. A man, who is already in the butcher shop, finished his purchase and notices the dog.

The butcher leaned over the counter and asked the dog what it wanted today. The dog put his paw on the glass case in front of the minced beef, and the butcher said, "How many pounds?" The dog barked twice, so the butcher made a package of two pounds of minced beef.

He then said, "Anything else?" The dog pointed to the pork chops, and the butcher said, "How many?" The dog barked four times, and the butcher made up a package of four pork chops.

The dog then walked around behind the counter, so the butcher could get at the purse. The butcher took out the appropriate amount of money and tied the two packages of meat around the dog's neck.

The man who had been watching all this time, decided to follow the dog. It walked for several blocks and then trotted up to a house where it began to scratch the door to be let in.

As the owner appeared at the door, the man said to him, "That's a really smart dog you have there." The owner replied, "He's not all that smart. This is the second time this week he forgot his key."

[Karlston]

[fields]

[aum]

A truck loaded with Vick’s VapoRub overturned on the highway.

Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours.

 

[Karlston]

After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks kinda strange so she decides to do a DNA test. She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.

 

Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you.

 

Husband: What’s up?

 

Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our kid.

 

Husband: Well you don't remember, do you?? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had pooped. Then you said "Please go change the baby, I’ll wait for you here." So I went inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one there.

[ducky88]

A man and woman were having marriage problems, and decided to end their union after a very short time together. After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple went to court to finalize their break-up.

The judge asked the husband, "What has brought you to this point, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?"

The husband said, "In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing."

The wife said, "Seven weeks."

[aum]

When you get older, lack of pep is often mistaken...

Mistaken for patience!

 

[aum]

A milkman who is dying in the hospital is surrounded his two sons, daughter and his wife and nurse.

Says to his eldest son: "To you, Peter, I leave the Beverly terrace."

"To you, my dear daughter, I leave the apartments in the High street Plaza."

"To you, Charlie, being my youngest son with a large future, I leave the City Centre offices."

"And you, my dear wife, the three residential buildings towers in down town."

The nurse, impressed, tells his wife: "Madam, your husband is very rich. He is bequeathing many properties! You all are so lucky!"

And the wife retorts: "Rich? Lucky?? Are you kidding??!! Those are his routes where he delivers milk!"

 

 

[aum]

The other night, I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise," were my last words.

 

The hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily and around 3 a.m. we piled into a cab and headed to our respective homes, quite inebriated.

 

Just as I walked through the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times!

 

Realizing that my husband would probably wake up to this, I quickly cuckooed another 9 times.

 

I was quit pleased with myself for coming up with such a quick witted solution to cover up my tardiness. Even with my impaired judgment, I could count 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos equaled 12 cuckoos!

 

The next morning, my husband asked me what time I got in, and confidently, I replied, "Midnight...like I promised." He didn't even raise and eyebrow and went on reading the morning paper! Phew! Got away with that one!

 

After a moment, he then replied, "I think we might need a new cuckoo clock."

 

A bit nervously, I asked him why, to which he responded:

 

"Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, 'Oh, crap,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the coffee table and farted."