[JOTD] Joke of the day

[aum]

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

 

The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?" The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."    

 

 

[Krinal]

Teacher: Whats the meaning of Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder?

Student: Bamba'lakkadi Jimba.

Teacher: I dont understand anything you said. Student: Same here.

 

[aum]

Wanted for Attempted Murder (the actual AP headline)

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in laws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head.

When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

And, yes, Linda is a blonde.

 

[Karlston]

Just got a PS5 for my son.

 

Spoiler

Best trade ever.

 

[aum]

When my son graduated from high school, he had to give a speech. He began by reading from his prepared text.

'I want to talk about my mother and the wonderful influence she has had on my life,' he told the audience. 'She is a shining example of parenthood, and I love her more than words could ever do justice.'

At this point he seemed to struggle for words. After a pause, he looked up with a sly grin and said, 'Sorry, but it's really hard to read my mother's handwriting.'

 

[ducky88]

Grandma, sitting in bed, proclaims "Hmmm -- I fancy a bowl of ice cream right now".

Grandpa, who is walking around, quickly suggests "Oh, I'll go get you a bowl, dear."

"You old fool", she replies, "you'll just go to the kitchen and forget why you're there. It'll be faster if I get it".

"No, no, no honey. A bowl of ice cream - simple. I'll be right back" he says as he shuffles off the the kitchen.

However, as he stares into the fridge, he can't quite remember what he's supposed to fetch for his wife. He decides that she wanted some eggs and so he quickly scrambles up a couple for her.

He returns to his wife with the plate of eggs and a fork and immediate hears:

"You old fool! I knew you'd forget!! Where's the bacon?!"

[aum]

The teacher asks little Johnny if he knows his numbers.

 

"Yes," he says, "I do. My father taught me."

 

"Good. What comes after three."

 

"Four," answers little Johnny.

 

"What comes after six?"

 

"Seven."

 

"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?"

 

Little Johnny smiles and says, "Jack."

 

[aum]

"Grandma, how long have you and Grandpa been married?" asked young Nina.

"Fifty years," Grandma replied.

"That is so wonderful," exclaimed Nina. "And I bet in all that time, you never once thought about divorce, right?"

"Right Nina. Divorce, NEVER. Murder, lots of times, but never divorce."

 

[aum]

Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician's office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you..."

 

"I know, I know." the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."

 

"No, that's not it at all." Brenda confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."

 

[Karlston]

Gillian Anderson of the X-Files just lost custody of her 12 year old boy following a long legal battle.

 

She is now Gillian Withouterson.

[aum]

Two delicate blossoms of Southern femininity, one from Mississippi and the other from Texas, were conversing on the porch swing of a large white-pillared mansion. The Mississippian said, "When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me."

The Texan lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice?"

The lady from Mississippi continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me that fine Cadillac automobile you see parked in the drive."

Again, the Texas lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice?"

The first woman boasted, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."

Yet again, the Texas lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice?"

The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"
The Texas lady replied, "My husband sent me to charm school."

"Charm school!" the first woman cried. "Land sakes, child, what on Earth for?"

The Texas lady responded, "So that instead of saying, 'Who gives a crap', I learned to say, 'Well, isn't that nice?'"

 

 

[aum]

A grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson, who is coming to visit with his wife:

 

"You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T.

 

I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14.

 

When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell".

 

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow"?

 

"You're coming empty handed"?

 

[ducky88]

Two eagles are soaring along when suddenly a passenger jet screams past them.

One eagle says to the other, "Wow, did you see how fast that thing was moving?"

The other replies, "Yeah. You'd move fast too if you had three a$$holes and they were all on fire!"

[aum]

A proud and confident genius makes a bet with an idiot.

 

The genius says, "Hey idiot, every question I ask you that you don't know the answer, you have to give me $5.

 

And if you ask me a question and I can't answer yours I will give you $5,000."

 

The idiot says, "Okay."

 

The genius then asks, "How many continents are there in the world?" The idiot doesn't know and hands over the $5.

 

The idiot says, "Now me ask: what animal stands with two legs but sleeps with three?"

 

The genius tries and searches very hard for the answer but gives up and hands over the $5,000.

 

The genius says, "Dang it, I lost. By the way, what was the answer to your question?"

 

The idiot hands over $5.

 

 

 

[aum]

The inventor of the umbrella was originally going to call it brella...

But he hesitated.

 

[aum]

After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to perform in bed anymore. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works.

Finally the doctor says to him, "This is all in your mind", and refers him to a psychiatrist.

After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured."
Finally the psychiatrist refers him to witch doctor.

The witch doctor tells, "I can cure this", and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks the witch doctor, "What happens when it's over?"

The witch doctor says, "All you have to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned it will not work again for a year!"

The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says "123", and suddenly he gets a massive erection.

His wife turns over and says, "What did you say '123' for?"

 

[aum]

A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!"

Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed. The redhead said "I can't take this, you're my friend"

The blonde said "No! A bet's a bet".

So the redhead said "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money"

The blonde replied "well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"

 

 

[Karlston]

My wife is always nagging.

 

I remembered to bring the stroller, the diaper bag, even an extra set of clothes.

 

Spoiler

But all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.

 

[aum]

Panicking when her toddler swallowing a tiny magnet; my sister, Betty, rushed him to the emergency room.

"He'll be fine," the doctor promised her. "The magnet should pass through his system in a day or two."

"How will I be sure?" she pressed.

"Well," the doctor suggested, "you could stick him on the refrigerator. When he falls off, you'll know."

 

[ducky88]

A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!"

The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke, so the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!" The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.

The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up. "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the s**t out of the little rabbit. As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all! " The lion answers, "That little fukker makes me run around the forest like an idiot for hours every time he's on ecstasy!"

[aum]

A husband and wife are sitting on the couch watching TV. The wife looks at the husband and he is staring at the ceiling above her head, she looks up and asks, "What are you staring at?"

"A spider," he replies.

"I don't see anything," she says.

"Oh, it must have fallen on your head," he said calmly.

The wife jumps up screaming...

The man says, "While you're up, can you get me another beer?"

 

[aum]

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a "Living Will"

 

"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.

 

If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

 

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.

 

[aum]

An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout "PRAISE THE LORD!"

Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!"

Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for GOD to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted "PRAISE THE LORD. GOD I NEED FOOD!! I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!"

The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD."

The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't."

The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, "PRAISE THE LORD. He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil pay for them. Praise the Lord!"

 

[fields]

Thank you, I love these jokes !   I'm incapacitated and humor goes a long way in making a bad day a little better.  

[aum]

A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory, and once all the mess has been cleared up, and inquiry begins.

One of the few survivors is pulled up to make a statement. "Okay Simpson," says the investigator, "you were near the scene, what happened?"

"Well, it's like this. Old Charley Higgins was in the mixing room, and I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light up."

"He was smoking in the mixing room?" the investigator said in stunned horror, "How long had he been with the company?"

"About 20 years, sir"

"20 years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match in the mixing room, I'd have thought it would have been the last thing he'd have done."

"It was, sir."