[JOTD] Joke of the day

[aum]

Absolutely naked woman enters the pub. Barman looks at her very attentively.

Woman: Hey, what's up? Haven't you ever seen naked woman?

 

Barman: Well, yes I have... I'm only interested - where will you take your cash from?

 

[aum]

"How the diet going?"

"Not good, I had eggs for breakfast."

"Scrambled?"

"No, chocolate."

 

[Karlston]

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe, you will believe it, but if someone tells you a wall has wet paint, you will have to touch it to be sure?

 

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUPs?

 

Are Lipton Tea employees allowed to take coffee breaks?

 

What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men?

 

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?

 

How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?

 

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

 

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

 

No one ever says 'It's only a game,' when their team is winning.

[aum]

I have a spelling checker,
It came with my PC;
It plainly marks four my revue,
Mistakes I cannot sea;
I've run this poem threw it,
I'm sure your please to no;
Its letter perfect in it's weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.

 

[Karlston]

When my great granddad went bald, he built a machine to weave himself a wig out of yarn. He then gave it to my granddad, who then gave it to my dad, and one day, it will be mine.

 

Spoiler

It's our family hair loom.

 

[ducky88]

A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything costs one dollar. He jumps at the offer and heads off for a weekend of fun in the sun.

He arrives and plays a round of golf. It cost him a dollar. When he goes for dinner that evening, it costs him another dollar. His room is only a dollar a day! The day before he’s to check out, he heads out to play a last round and stops by the pro shop and charges a sleeve of three balls to his room.

When he’s checking out next morning, he looks at the bill and sees:

Golf: $1.00

Dinner: $1.00

Room: $1.00

Sleeve of golf balls: $3,000.00

He asks the Manager, “What is this all about? Everything is supposed to cost one dollar, and you charged me three thousand for three golf balls?”

“I’m sorry, sir, said the manager, but you didn’t read the fine print in our promotional brochure. That’s what our golf balls cost.”

“Well, said the man, "if I wanted to spend that kind of money, I could’ve gone to that luxury hotel across the street and paid them a thousand dollars a day for a room. At least I would’ve known what I was paying for!”

“That’s right, sir, you could have,” said the manager. “Over there they get you by the room. Over here we get you by the balls!”

[aum]

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."

 

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

 

He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."

 

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

 

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

 

"Oh yeah?" the man asked... "And where the hell were you when I got married?"

 

[PLASMA]

Who wants to read me a book?

[Karlston]

A soap factory had a problem.

 

They sometimes shipped empty boxes without the bar inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the buyers and distributors. Understanding how important these relationships were, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. They decided to hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem. Six months, and $8 million later, they had a fantastic solution – on time, on budget, and high quality. Everyone in the project was pleased.

 

They solved the problem by using a high-tech precision scale that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a soap box weighed less than it should. The line would stop, someone would walk over, remove the defective box, and then press another button to re-start the line. As a result of the new package monitoring process, no empty boxes were being shipped out of the factory.

 

A while later, the CEO decides to look at the first week report. Since the scales were put in place, no empty boxes had been shipped out of the factory. Each day about a dozen defective boxes were being removed, which was consistent with the projections. There were almost zero customer complaints and they were gaining market share. The CEO felt the $8 million was well spent.

 

However, the number of defective boxes picked up by the scales dropped to zero after three weeks. He filed a bug against it and after some investigation, the engineers came back saying the report was actually correct. The scales really weren't picking up any defects because all boxes that got to that point in the conveyor belt were good.

 

Puzzled, the CEO traveled down to the factory, viewed the part of the line where the precision scale was installed, and observed just ahead of the new $8 million dollar solution sat a $20 desk fan blowing the empty boxes off the belt and into a bin. He asked the line supervisor what that was about.

 

"Oh, that," the supervisor replied, "Bert, the kid from maintenance, put it there because he was tired of walking over, removing the box and re-starting the line every time the bell rang."

[aum]

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' 

 

A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

 

[ducky88]

There was this zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo and was getting on a bit so the zoo keeper decided as a treat that she could spend her final years in bliss on a farm. The zebra was so excited, she got to see this huge space with green grass and hill and trees and all these strange animals. She saw a big fat weird looking brown thing and ran up to it all excited, 'Hi, I'm a zebra! What are you?'
'I'm a cow.'
'Right, right. What do you do?'
'I make milk for the farmer.'
'Cool.' The zebra then saw this funny looking little white thing and ran over to it. 'Hi, I'm a zebra. What are you?'
'I'm a chicken.'
'Oh, right. What do you do?'
'I make eggs for the farmer.'
'Right, great, see ya round.' Then the zebra saw this very handsome beast that looked almost exactly like her without the stripes. She ran over to it and said, 'Hi, I'm a zebra. What are you?'
'I am a Stallion,' said the stallion.
'Wow,' said the zebra. 'What do you do?'

 

'Take off your pajamas, darling, and I'll show you.'

[Karlston]

Bruce Lee had a vegan brother.

 

Broco Lee

[aum]

An elderly couple were in church. The wife leaned over and whispered to her husband, "I just let out a long silent fart... what should I do?"

The husband replied, "Replace the batteries in your hearing aid."

 

[Karlston]

I remember when you could walk into a store with a quarter and walk out with a can of coke and a candy bar.

 

Spoiler

Nowadays they have cameras everywhere

 

[Krinal]

Banta: Name the 3 fastest means of communication.

Santa: Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman

[ducky88]

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, recently received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.
On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.
"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.
Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.
There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."
"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."
"That'll be me then," said Paddy.

[PLASMA]

Today I Learned....

[aum]

The Santa Claus at the mall was very surprised when a young lady about twenty years old walked up and sat on his lap. Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at him, so he asked her, "What do you want for Christmas?"

 

"Something for my mother," said the young lady.

 

"Something for your mother? Well, that's very thoughtful of you,'' smiled Santa. "What do you want me to bring her? "

 

Without blinking she replied, "A son-in-law!"

 

[aum]

A cowboy rides into town on Friday, stays three days and leaves on Friday how does he do it?

 

Spoiler

The horses name is Friday

 

 

[Karlston]

[ducky88]

A woman is driving towards home from work, In Northern Arizona.
When she sees a Navajo woman hitchhiking.

Knowing the trip will be long, she stopped the car and asked the woman to get in.

During their small talk, the Navajo woman glances suspiciously at a brown bag in the front of the seat between them.

"If you're wondering what's in the bag." Offers the woman, "it's a bottle of wine. I got for my husband."

The Navajo woman is silent for a while, nods several times and said, "hmm good trade."

[Krinal]

TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

 

[Karlston]

Advice from children...

 

1. Never trust a dog to watch your food. – Patrick, age 10

2. When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' don't answer him. – Michael, 14

3. Never tell your mom her diet's not working. – Michael, 14

4. Stay away from prunes. – Randy, 9

5. Never pee on an electric fence. – Robert, 13

6. Don't squat with your spurs on. – Noronha, 13

7. Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to. – Emily, 10

8. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. – Taylia, 11

9. Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment. – Traci, 14

10. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. – Kyoyo, 9

11. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. – Armir, 9

12. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. – Lauren, 9

13. Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. – Joel, 10

14. When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone. – Alyesha, 13

15. Never try to baptize a cat. – Eileen, 8

[ducky88]

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up - fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman... and so forth..

However, little Paul was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes to music in front of other men and they put money in his underwear.

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little Paul aside to ask him, “Is that really true about your father?"

"No," the boy said, "He plays hockey for the Toronto Maple Leafs, but it's too embarrassing to say that in front of the other kids."

[aum]

Doctor: "Would you have the money if I said you needed an operation?"

Patient: "Would you say I needed an operation if you thought I didn't have the money?"