aum Posted March 22, 2020 Share Posted March 22, 2020 A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order. There was a big sign posted. "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted." The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here." Karlston, haris_sane69, leapinlizards and 1 other 2 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted March 22, 2020 Share Posted March 22, 2020 Dad jokes... What do you do if you see a spaceman? Spoiler You park in it, man. How do you organise a space party? Spoiler You planet. flash13, TrojanK and leapinlizards 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flash13 Posted March 22, 2020 Share Posted March 22, 2020 TrojanK and Karlston 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted March 23, 2020 Share Posted March 23, 2020 A Father is asked by his friend, "Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?" "Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector," he replies. To this his friend responds "Strange ambition to have for a career." "Well, he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!" Karlston, jbleck and flash13 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted March 23, 2020 Share Posted March 23, 2020 When my son graduated from high school, he had to give a speech. He began by reading from his prepared text. 'I want to talk about my mother and the wonderful influence she has had on my life,' he told the audience. 'She is a shining example of parenthood, and I love her more than words could ever do justice.' At this point he seemed to struggle for words. After a pause, he looked up with a sly grin and said, 'Sorry, but it's really hard to read my mother's handwriting.' TrojanK, Karlston and flash13 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flash13 Posted March 23, 2020 Share Posted March 23, 2020 Karlston 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted March 24, 2020 Share Posted March 24, 2020 flash13 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted March 24, 2020 Share Posted March 24, 2020 My wife told me, “If anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new.” Spoiler But apparently, “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in traffic. TrojanK and flash13 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flash13 Posted March 24, 2020 Share Posted March 24, 2020 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted March 24, 2020 Share Posted March 24, 2020 Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician's office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you..." "I know, I know." the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy." "No, that's not it at all." Brenda confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn." Karlston, cosy and flash13 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted March 24, 2020 Share Posted March 24, 2020 From another forum in a topic (appropriately) called "TPR Really Bad Joke Thread"... Scientists at the University of Hull in the UK have just completed a study into the effects of cannabis on sea birds. It was the most comprehensive study ever undertaken on this subject. Spoiler The team left no tern unstoned. Jogs, polinom00 and flash13 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flash13 Posted March 25, 2020 Share Posted March 25, 2020 Karlston 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dce3480 Posted March 25, 2020 Share Posted March 25, 2020 Album Covers.. & Karlston 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flash13 Posted March 25, 2020 Share Posted March 25, 2020 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dce3480 Posted March 25, 2020 Share Posted March 25, 2020 G = Golf Karlston 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted March 25, 2020 Share Posted March 25, 2020 What's the difference between divorced men and pigeons ? Spoiler The pigeons are still capable of making deposits on new BMW's There was this little girl sitting on the English side of the English Channel, bawling her eyes out. This pigeon was flying over and spotted her, so the pigeon flew down and asked what was wrong. The little girl told the pigeon that she wanted to be a ballet dancer more than anything, but the only way she could be a ballet dancer was to get to France, being really the only place that teaches ballet. After thinking for a moment, the pigeon told the little girl to wait and he would return. About an hour went by, then the kindly pigeon returned with 30 of his mates, they all had ropes hanging out of their beaks, and on the end of the ropes was a raft. The pigeon told the little girl to jump on the raft, and they would take her across to France. About half way across the Channel, a storm blew up and the ropes broke. Despite the pigeons' best efforts, the raft sank, and sadly - the little girl drowned. The moral of this story is: Spoiler you can’t be a ballet dancer if you're pigeon towed. leapinlizards and flash13 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
polinom00 Posted March 25, 2020 Share Posted March 25, 2020 Karlston and flash13 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flash13 Posted March 25, 2020 Share Posted March 25, 2020 polinom00 and Karlston 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted March 26, 2020 Share Posted March 26, 2020 It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the hell the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side,he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared. But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea.He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the Meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared. One week later he called the National Weather Service again."Is it going to be a very cold winter?" he asked. "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied,"it's going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find. Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replied. "It looks like it's going to be one of the coldest winters ever." "How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy". TrojanK, leapinlizards, flash13 and 1 other 2 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flash13 Posted March 26, 2020 Share Posted March 26, 2020 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
polinom00 Posted March 26, 2020 Share Posted March 26, 2020 Karlston, TrojanK, flash13 and 1 other 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted March 26, 2020 Share Posted March 26, 2020 I rang work and said, “I can’t come in today, I have a wee cough.” The boss replied, “You have a wee cough?” Spoiler I said, “Wow, thanks boss, see you next Thursday !” --- Wife crashed the car again today. She told the police the man she collided with was on his mobile phone and drinking a can of beer. Spoiler Police said he can do what he likes in his own living room --- How do you milk sheep? Spoiler Release a new phone every year syd5237, flash13, TrojanK and 3 others 1 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
polinom00 Posted March 26, 2020 Share Posted March 26, 2020 This cloud resting on a tree branch flash13, Karlston, morfeus18 and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flash13 Posted March 26, 2020 Share Posted March 26, 2020 Karlston 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted March 27, 2020 Share Posted March 27, 2020 This young couple invited their parson for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their young son what they were having. "Goat," the little boy replied. "Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth. "Are you sure about that?" "Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Pa say to Ma, 'Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.'" flash13, jbleck and Karlston 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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