[JOTD] Joke of the day

[Abacaxi]

In a shoe shop:

These shoes might be tight for the next two weeks.

- Don’t worry. My intention to start wearing them only on the third week. 

[leapinlizards]

@Karlston;

 

I am out of reactions for the day.

 

that looks like my walk home from the pub.

 

cheers

[Karlston]

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life... that is, until the ship sank.

 

He alone managed to swim to a nearby island, with no other people, no supplies, nothing – only bananas and coconuts.

 

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

 

The guy is stunned. "Let's row over to my place," she says.

So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf.

As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please."

"Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

 

After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into Something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned... she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him. "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around?" She stares into his eyes.

 

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes... "You've built a Golf Course?"

[aum]

During the American Civil War, a particular captured Confederate soldier was a hard man to handle.

Constantly, in his soft drawl, he would say, “Anyway, we beat the hell out of you sniveling Yankee dogs at Fredericksburg.”

 

The Northern sergeant in charge could not punish the impertinent prisoner as he would have liked because there was a drive on at the time to make sure that prisoners were treated humanely. Finally, however, he could stand it no more.

 

He marched the prisoner out with a squad of soldiers and said, “Listen, you damned Reb, I don’t care if it means my court-martial, but I’m going to have you shot if you don’t swear allegiance to the United States.”

The prisoner, weighing the murder in the sergeant’s eyes, swore allegiance.

 

“Now,” said the sergeant, “you did this before witnesses. You’re a loyal American. If I hear any snide remarks about the American Army, you’ll be a traitor. It may be against the articles of war to shoot prisoners, but it’s perfectly all right to shoot traitors.”

 

The ex-Confederate soldier thought about that for awhile, then he said, “Okay, sergeant, but ain’t it a stinking, filthy shame what them damned rebels did to us Yankees at Fredericksburg?”

 

[J WACKO]

Two mates were talking over a pint of beer.

“What’s wrong, Jack, you don’t look so good,” said Bob.

“It’s this bloody toothache, been driving me mad, I just can’t get rid of it.”

“Well, maybe I can help you there. I had a toothache a couple of months ago and believe it or not my wife gave me a blow job and I was cured.

Why don’t you try it?”

“Thanks, Jack, I’ll have a go.

Will your wife be home tonight? 🤗

[Karlston]

[Karlston]

[Abacaxi]

[Karlston]

[Disco Bob]

An elderly man thinks his wife is losing her hearing so he calls their doctor. The doctor tells him "We need to figure out how bad her hearing is. Using a normal tone, talk to her at various distances until she can hear you."

That night the man decides to try this. He estimates he is sitting about 30 feet from his wife and asks her, "What's for dinner?"

He hears nothing so he moves a little closer; about 20 feet away. He asks her again, "What's for dinner?" Still nothing.

Finally, he gets right next to her and asks, "What's for dinner?"

She finally hears him and responds "For the third time, chicken!"

 

 

 

A faith healer visits a small town. During his healing session a man with crutches approaches him, "Ever since I was a boy I couldn't walk without these, can you heal me?"

The healer yells back, "All that believe will receive! Go behind the curtain."

Another man approaches him, "F-f-f-fix my st-st-st-stutter?"

The healer yells back, "All that believe will receive! Go behind the curtain."

The healer starts praying and yells, "Drop your crutches!" He continues to pray and yells, "Now tell us in a clear voice, how do you feel?"

The man replies, "The f-f-fucker f-f-fell on his f-f-f-f-face."

 

 

 

A motorist is speeding down the road when he is pulled over. The officer tells him, "Sir do you realize how fast you were going?"

The motorist replies, "Yeah I know, but I have to go."

The cop interrupts him, "Not so fast. You're going to have to wait for the chief to get back in a few hours."

The cop immediately takes the man to jail. After a few hours the cop tells the man, "You're lucky, the chief is on his way back from his daughter's wedding, he'll be in a good mood."

The man replies, "I doubt it."

The cop snaps back, "Why do you say that?"

The man replies, "I'm the groom!"

 

 

[Disco Bob]

Not a joke but riddles

 

When is 99 more than 100?

Spoiler

A microwave.Generally when you run a microwave for '99' it runs for 1 minute and 39 seconds. '100' runs for 1 minute.

 

What asks but never answers?

Spoiler

An owl!

 

What tastes better than it smells?

Spoiler

A tongue.

 

What loses its head in the morning and gets it back at night?

Spoiler

A pillow.

 

[Karlston]

[Karlston]

[Karlston]

[Karlston]

All of his life Len from British Columbia (Canada) had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink.

 

So when Len's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Corky took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Len stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned!

 

Corky just managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Len went to see his grandmother. "Grandma, it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake, like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

 

Granny looked Len straight in the eyes, and said, "Because, you idiot, your father, grandfather and great grandfather were born in January, you were born in July."

[debebee]

A Catholic priest, a Baptist preacher and a rabbi fish in a lake. The preacher has to use the bathroom, so he walks across the water, does his business and walks back. Then the rabbi has to go, so he walks across the water, does his business and walks back.

The Catholic has to go, but when he gets out he falls into the water. He swims back, gets back into the boat, and says, "God, let me walk across the water." He tries again and falls into the water, swims back, tries again and falls again.

The Baptist leans over to the rabbi and asks, "Do you think we should tell him where the stepping stones are?"

Edited April 17, 2019 by teodz1984

[Karlston]

Out of written jokes, hope some funny pics will suffice...

 

[Karlston]

Probably won't do a lot for tourism...

 

[Karlston]

DID YOU KNOW...

 

There is a species of antelope that can jump higher than the average house.

 

This is due to its powerful hind legs and the fact that the average house cannot jump.

[Karlston]

On their way to the church to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident.

 

Being good Catholics the young couple find themselves sitting outside The Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

 

While waiting, they begin to wonder: could they possibly get married in Heaven?

 

When St. Peter finally showed up, they asked him.

 

St Peter said "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out" and he leaves them sitting at the Gate.

 

After three months, St Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes" he informs the couple, "I can get you married in Heaven".

 

"Great!" said the couple "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

 

"You must be bloody joking" says St. Peter, red-faced with frustration, slamming his clipboard on the ground.

 

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

 

"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted "It took me three months to find a Priest up here... do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

[Karlston]

[aum]

Once upon a time, there was an island where all the feelings lived: Happiness, Sadness, Knowledge, and all of the others including Love. One day it was announced to the feelings that the island would sink, so all repaired their boats and left.

Love wanted to persevere until the last possible moment. When the island was almost sinking, Love decided to ask for help. Richness was passing by Love in a grand boat. Love said, "Richness, can you take me with you?" Richness answered, "No, I can't. There is a lot of gold and silver in my boat. There is no place here for you."

Love decided to ask Vanity who was also passing by in a beautiful vessel, "Vanity, please help me!" "I can't help you Love. You are all wet and might damage my boat." Vanity answered. Sadness was close by so Love asked for help, "Sadness, let me go with you." "Oh.... Love, I am so sad that I need to be by myself!" Happiness passed by Love too, but he was so happy that she did not even hear when Love called her!

Suddenly, there was a voice, "Come Love, I will take you." It was an elder. Love felt so blessed and overjoyed that he even forgot to ask the elder his name. When they arrived at dry land, the elder went his own way.

Love realizing how much he owed the elder and asked Knowledge, another elder, "Who helped me?" "It was Time," Knowledge answered. "Time?" asked Love. "But why did Time help me?" Knowledge smiled with deep wisdom and answered, "Because, only Time is capable of understanding how great Love is."

 

[debebee]

i thought the old geezer was lust.......looking for a good time 😄

[PLASMA]

 

[Abacaxi]