[JOTD] Joke of the day

[Akaneharuka]

 

 

 

[nir]

A husband and wife were sitting around one day drinking a bottle of wine.

 

The husband turns to his wife and says, "I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time."

After thinking about it a few minutes the wife looks at her husband and says, "Your pecker is bigger than your brothers!"

 

[nir]

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom.

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now, please sit back and relax... AAHHHHH! ....DAMMIT!"

The passengers sat in silence, waiting for terrible news.

Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight- attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

 

[nir]

A Blonde Redneck Guy finds a lamp. He rubs it and a Genie emerges.

 

The Genie tells him he will be granted three wishes. The Guy thinks for a moment and says, 'First, give me a bottomless mug of beer.'

A mug of beer appears in his hand. He sips it once, then again and the mug is magically refilled.

 

The Guy is thrilled and continues to drink. The mug never empties.

Then the Genie says, 'And what about your other two wishes?'

The guy thinks for a moment and says, 'Give me two more just like this one!'

 

[nir]

A prospective husband in a book store “Do you have a book called ‘Husband – the Master of the House?’'
Sales girl: “Sir, fiction and comics are on the 1st floor!”

 

Someone asked an old man: “Even after 70 years, you still call your wife – darling, honey, luv. What’s the secret?'
Old man: “I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask her.'

 

Pharmacist to customer: “Sir, please understand, to buy an anti-depression pill you need a proper prescription. Simply showing your marriage certificate and wife’s picture is not enough!'

[nir]

Why do women live a better, longer & more peaceful Life, compared to men?

A very INTELLIGENT student replied: 'Because women don't have a wife!'

 

COOL MESSAGE BY A WIFE: Dear Mother-in-law, Don't teach me how to handle my children. I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement!?

 

When a married man says, I WILL THINK ABOUT IT - what he really means is that he doesn't know his wife's opinion yet.

 

[nir]

A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description.

 

She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."

 

The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."

 

The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"

 

[Akaneharuka]

Use knife to cut 4 times to share 3 apples for 7 peoples.....

 

(Hint) They did not say what you can cut....

 

 

[Kalju]

Microsoft announced to all customers - "Our next Windows 10 release will work from the first day! Don't leave us alone, please!"

Date: 13th of the October 2018

Edited October 13, 2018 by Kalju

[nir]

A woman was telling her friend, "It was I who made my husband a millionaire."
 

"And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.
 

The woman replied, "A billionaire."

[nir]

A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town.

To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given.

He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening. "Who's the boss around here?" he asked.

"I am." said the man.

"I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said, "which one would you like?"

The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one."

"No, no, no, get the brown one." the man's wife said.

"Here's your chicken." said the farmer.

[nir]

Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers.
 

"So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."
 

Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably.
 

"You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000."
 

The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon. "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits!"

[nir]

A college student wrote a letter home:

 

Dear folks, I feel miserable cause I have to keep writing for money. I feel ashamed and unhappy. I have to ask for another hundred, but every cell in my body rebels. I beg on bended knee that you forgive me.

 

Your son, Marvin

 

P.S. I felt so terrible I ran after the mailman who picked this up at the box at the corner. I wanted to take this letter and burn it. I prayed to God that I could get it back, but I was too late.

 

A few days later, he received a letter from his father:

 

Dear Son, Good news! Your prayers were answered. Your letter never came!

[vitorio]

8 minutes ago, nir said:

A college student wrote a letter home:

 

Dear folks, I feel miserable cause I have to keep writing for money. I feel ashamed and unhappy. I have to ask for another hundred, but every cell in my body rebels. I beg on bended knee that you forgive me.

 

Your son, Marvin

 

P.S. I felt so terrible I ran after the mailman who picked this up at the box at the corner. I wanted to take this letter and burn it. I prayed to God that I could get it back, but I was too late.

 

A few days later, he received a letter from his father:

 

Dear Son, Good news! Your prayers were answered. Your letter never came!

Fathers know best!!!

On 10/24/2018 at 10:07 AM, nir said:

Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers.
 

"So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."
 

Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably.
 

"You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000."
 

The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon. "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits!"

Smart judge!!!

On 10/15/2018 at 12:24 PM, nir said:

A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town.

To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given.

He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening. "Who's the boss around here?" he asked.

"I am." said the man.

"I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said, "which one would you like?"

The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one."

"No, no, no, get the brown one." the man's wife said.

"Here's your chicken." said the farmer.

The man always has the last words: Yes dear!

[nir]

Mary and Jane are old friends. They have both been married to their husbands for a long time; Mary is upset because she thinks her husband doesn't find her attractive anymore.

 

"As I get older he doesn't bother to look at me!" Mary cries.

 

"I'm so sorry for you, as I get older my husband says I get more beautiful every day." replies Jane.

 

"Yes, but your husband's an antique dealer!"

[nir]

Author: Well, the upshot of it was, that after ten years, I realized I had absolutely no talent for writing.

Friend: So, you gave up?

Author: No, I couldn't. By then, I was too famous.

[nir]

A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it. God says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.

 

Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc.. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it. She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital.

 

She arrives in front of God and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?"

 

God replies, "Sorry...I didn't recognize you." 

[nir]

A woman gets home, whirls her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband says, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

The wife yells back, "It doesn't matter....just get the hell out!

[NEW123]

A man was pulled over for driving too fast, even though he thought he was driving just fine.

Officer: You were speeding.
Man: No, I wasn't.
Officer: Yes, you were. I'm giving you a ticket.
Man: But I wasn't speeding.
Officer: Tell that to the judge! (The officer gives man the ticket.)
Man: Would I get another ticket if I called you a jerk?
Officer: Yes, you would.
Man: What if I just thought that you were?
Officer: I can't give you a ticket for what you think.
Man: Fine, I think you're a jerk!

[NEW123]

I saw an old man sitting on a park bench. He was crying. I asked him what was wrong.

He said, “I’m 80 years old. I’m rich beyond my wildest dreams. I own every expensive toy you can think of. And I’m married to a hot 23-year-old who not only gives me the greatest sex ever, but cooks like a master chef, and keeps my house spotless!”

“So what’s the problem?” I asked.

He said, “I can’t remember where I live!”

[NEW123]

"Daddy Died"

A man goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, Auntie Susie dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day, granddaddy dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed. The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified.

The next day, the man is scared for his life- he is sure is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk.

Upon walking in his front door at the end of the day, he finds his wife. "Good God, Dear," he proclaims, "I've just had the worst day of my entire life!"
She responds, "You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning."

[nir]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.

She says hello. He's rather taken a back because he can't place where he knows her. So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife, and he says, "Oh, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I did on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped me with wet celery?"

The woman looks sternly into his eyes and says very calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

[NEW123]

Who’s guilty here? 

Wife is dreaming. wakes up and shouts"Quick my husband’s back!” his husband wakes up and jumps out the window!

 

_______________________

 

What happened?

One morning at a doctor's office a patient arrives complaining of serious back-pain.

The doctor examines him and asks him" OK, what happened to your back?"

The patient replies "You know that I work for a local night club right?
This morning I got home to my apartment early and heard a noise in my bedroom.
On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and the balcony door was open. I rushed out the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out and he was dressing himself. I grabbed
the fridge and threw it at him, That’s how I strained my back"

The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck. The doctor said "My
previous patient looked bad, but you look terrible. What the hell happened to you?"
He replied, "You know I have been unemployed for a while now. Today was the first
day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and was running late. I was
running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and you won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge."

The 3rd patient arrives; he looks even worse than the other two Patients do.. The
doctor is shocked. Again asks,"What the hell happened to youuuuuu.....?"
"Well I was sitting in a fridge& someone threw it from the 3rd floor"......

Edited November 15, 2018 by NEW123

[NEW123]

Dear John

An Army ranger was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had been dating two guys while he had been gone, she wanted to break up and she wants pictures of herself back.

So the Ranger does what any squared away Ranger would do.

He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures to his girlfriend with the following note: "I'm sorry I can't remember which one you are, but please take the one that belongs to you and send the rest back. Thank you".

[vitorio]

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