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[JOTD] Joke of the day


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Two young boys were closely examining bathroom scales at the department store.

 

"What's it for?" one asked.

 

The other replied. "You stand on it and it makes you real mad."

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Lost in translation....

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a “Living Will”

"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.
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Three guys are stranded in a desert. By a stroke of luck, they find a magic genie lamp.

 The genie grants each of them one wish. 

The first guy wishes to be back home. Wish granted. 

The second guy wishes the same. Wish granted. 

The third guy says, "It feels very lonely here now, I wish my friends were with me…” Wish granted.

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Father: “Son, you were adopted.”
 
Son: “What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!”
 
Father: “We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.”

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At school one day, Little Johnny’s teacher asks the class to use the word “contagious” in a sentence…

 

Cindy raises her hand. “Yes, Cindy?” She answers, “I was at the dentist’s office with my mom, and she said not to play with the toys in the waiting room because the other kids were contagious.”

 

“Very good, Cindy!” the teacher said, “Anyone else want to try?”

 

Samantha raises her hand. “Yes, Samantha?” She answers, “My dad tells me not to yawn because then everybody else yawns. He says yawning is contagious.”

 

“Excellent work, Samantha! Very creative,” the teacher praises. “Okay, one more volunteer.” Little Johnny raises his hand. “Yes, Johnny?”

 

“Well,” he says, “I was helping my dad in the yard last week, and we saw the neighbor painting his house. He was using a small brush, so I asked my dad, ‘Daddy, why is he using such a small brush?’ and he says, ‘I don’t know son, but it’s gonna take that contagious.'” 

 

 

**Let me know when you guys get the joke :P

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A tourist was admiring the necklace worn by a local Indian.


"What is it made of?" she asked.


"Alligator's teeth," the Indian replied.


"I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us."


"Oh no," he objected. "Anybody can open an oyster."

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Boy complains to his father: You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks! You said it would impress the girls at the pool! But you forgot to mention one thing! 

Father: Really, what?

Boy: That the potato should go in the front.

 

------------------>>

 

 

Sometimes it is very important if a sentence was said by a man or a woman. A good example: “I used a whole pack of tissues during that awesome movie yesterday!”

 

 

Edited by Dino101
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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. 
 

Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. 

 

On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

 

The old lady thinks, “I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.”

 

The blonde thinks, “I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the old lady for me and she slapped him.”

 

The Frenchman thinks, “I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.”

 

The Englishman thinks, “I can’t wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.” 

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  A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office and says,"Doc, I want my sex drive lowered."


"Sir", replied the doctor, "You're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?"


"You're darned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!"

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  • 2 weeks later...

How you can tell when it's going to be a bad day:

 

1) You wake up - face down on the pavement.

2) You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.

3) You see a "60 minutes" news team waiting for you in your office.

4) Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

6) You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city.

7 )Your twin sister forgets your birthday.

8 ) You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then you realize you don't have a waterbed.

9) Your carhorn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of hells angels on the freeway.

10) Your wife wakes up feeling amourous and YOU have a headache.

11) Your boss tells you to not bother taking off you coat.

12) The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.

13) You wake up and your braces are locked together.

14) You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business.

15) Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.

 

---->>---------------------------->>>----------------------------------->>>----------------------------------------->>>----------------------------------------->>>

 

I applied to be a sperm donor and the nurse asked if I could masturbate in the cup...

 

I told her I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete in a tournament yet.

 

 

Edited by Dino101
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A man is waiting for his wife to give birth

The doctor comes in and informs him that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. "Your son is just a head!"

But the father loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him.

Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out!

The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!"

The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out.

The bar goes wild, but the bartender is clearly disapproving.

The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!" The bartender ignores the whole affair.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.

The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left... then to the right... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief.

The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head."

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A married fellow gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.


"What's up?" he asks.


"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.


He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy!Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"


The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, pas this screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. "You bastard!!!" says the husband. "My wife's having a heart attack, and all you can do is run around the house naked scaring the kids?"

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An angry wife to her husband on phone: "Where the hell are you?"


Husband: "Darling, you remember that jewelry shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it, and I didn't have money that time, and I said 'Baby it'll be yours one day'?"


Wife, with a smile and blushing: "Yeah I remember that my love!"


Husband: "I'm in the pub just next to that shop."

Edited by sva
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A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee. On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone, "Get me a coffee, quickly!"


The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"


"No," replied the trainee.


"It's the CEO of the company, you fool!"


The trainee shouts back, "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!"


"No," replied the CEO indignantly.


"Good!" replied the trainee, and puts down the phone.

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When Nasa first began sending astronauts into space, they were confronted by a small problem. Their standard ballpoint pens would not work in space.

 

They spent a decade and twelve million dollars designing a pen that would work below three hundred degrees, in space, and on glass.


Russia used a pencil.

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A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?"

"Pastor, I'm afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied.

"What happened?" inquired the pastor.

"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"That's okay," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the grocery store anymore either."

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A priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

 

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

 

"Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

 

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

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At the end of the following month when he opens the cheque, he sees that he's been underpaid by £2000.

 

Fuming, he goes to have it out with his employer. "Sir, I think you've made a mistake on my cheque."

 

"And how do you figure that?" his employer asks.

 

"It seems I've been underpaid by £2000."

 

"So?"

 

"No disrespect Sir, but I want my money."

 

"Last month I overpaid you by £2000 and you didn't complain so why now?"

 

"Well Sir, thing is I don't mind if you make a mistake once but if it becomes a habit I have to say something."

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