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[JOTD] Joke of the day


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Lost in translation....

A guy had just returned from two weeks of vacation.

 

He asked his boss for two more weeks off to get married.


"What?" shouted the boss, "I can't give you more time now. Why didn't you get married while you were off?"


"Are you nuts?" he replied. "That would have ruined my whole vacation."

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There was a burglar who broke into a home and started to gather the items he wanted to take.

 

All of a sudden he heard, "Jesus is watching you!"

 

He didn't see anything in the dark house, so he went on with what he was doing.

 

He heard, "Jesus is watching you!" again and then he really wondered who was saying that. He turned on the flashlight, scanned the room, and finally saw a parrot. "Did you say that?" asked the burglar.

 

"Yes," replied the parrot.

 

"By the way, what's your name?" the burglar inquired."Moses," answered the parrot. "That's a strange name for a parrot. Who named you that?"

 

"The same people who named their Rottweiler Jesus!"

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A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

 

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

 

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

 

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"

 

"He said you're going to die," she replied.

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There was a young Scottish boy called Angus who decided to try life in Australia. He found an apartment in a small block and settled in.


After a week or two, his mother called from Aberdeen to see how her son was doing in his new life.


'I'm fine, ' Angus said. 'But there are some really strange people living in these apartments. One woman cried all day long, another lies on her floor moaning, and there is a guy next door to me who bangs his head on the wall all the time.'


'Well, ma laddie,' says his mother, 'I suggest you don't associate with people like that.'


'Oh,' says Angus, 'I don't, Mam, I don't. No, I just stay inside my apartment all day and night, playing my bagpipes.'

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One day two blind men started fighting.


Pretty soon a crowd surrounded them.


Then one of the members of the crowd yelled out "I bet 10 quid on the one with the knife."


Both men ran away.

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At 8 p.m. one night, a pilot who had run out of fuel made an emergency landing at a top-secret government base.

He was quickly surrounded by security and taken inside to be interrogated. The interrogation was grueling because they wanted to make sure it was an unplanned landing and he was not a spy.


The interrogation lasted all night. At 6 a.m. they refueled his plane and let him go with his promise never to return. Four hours later he returned and landed again.


Security met him on the runway. They asked him why he had come back.


'I know I promised never to return but I brought my wife and now you have to tell her where I was all night...'

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She entered the office of a noted divorce lawyer. 'I want to know if I have grounds for divorce? 'she asked.


'Are you married?' asked the lawyer.


'Yes, I am.'


'Then, 'he replied, 'you have grounds.'

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Little Mary was at her first wedding and gaped at the entire ceremony.

 

When it was over, she asked her mother, “Why did the lady change her mind?”

 

Her mother asked, “What do you mean?”

 

"Well, she went down the aisle with one man and came back with another one.”

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The Buffalo Theory – Your Brain and Beer

 

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. 

And when the heard is hunted, it is the lowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

 

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.

Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. 

But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. 

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

And that is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

Edited by Dino101
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On their wedding night, a young couple finally retired to their hotel room. After making her preparations, the bride left the bathroom to find the bridegroom on his knees in front of the bed.


"What are you doing?" she asked.


"I'm praying for guidance," answered the young man.


"I'll take care of that," she replied. "You pray for endurance."

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A teacher was taking her first golf lesson.

 

"Is the word spelled 'put' or 'putt'?" she asked the instructor.

 

"'Putt' is correct," he replied.

 

"'Put' means to place a thing where you want it. 'Putt' means a klutzy but unsuccessful attempt to do the same thing."

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Son : Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.

Mom : Well, you have done the right thing.

Son : But Mom, I was sitting on Daddy's lap!

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A Guy at a Bar

 

A guy at a bar was just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour. 
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. 
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry." "

 

No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. 
First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. 
When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. 
I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away." 
I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. 
I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

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After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes. 

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: 

 

'Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train'.

'Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting'.

'No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. It was with the boss'.

'No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life'.

'Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart'

 

Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly.

When the young woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone,

'Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed.'

Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.

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Wife texts her handy husband on a cold winter morning:

'WINDOWS FROZEN ~ WON'T OPEN'... 

 

Husband texts back:

'GENTLY POUR SOME LUKEWARM WATER OVER THE EDGES AND THEN TAP EDGES SHARPLY WITH HAMMER'......

 

Wife texts back 5 minutes later:

'LAPTOP REALLY MESSED UP NOW.

 

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Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami , are all excited about their decision to get married.

 

They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore.

 

Jacob suggests they go in.

 

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter (seems to Jacob he already see that face before!):

 

'Are you the owner?'

 

The pharmacist answers, 'Yes.'

 

Jacob: 'We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?'

 

Pharmacist: 'Of course, we do.'

 

Jacob: 'How about medicine for circulation?'

 

Pharmacist: 'All kinds.'

 

Jacob: 'Medicine for rheumatism?'

 

Pharmacist: 'Definitely.'

 

Jacob: 'How about suppositories?'

 

Pharmacist: 'You bet!'

 

Jacob: 'Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?'

 

Pharmacist: 'Yes, a large variety. The works.'

 

Jacob: 'What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?'

 

Pharmacist: 'Absolutely.'

 

Jacob: 'Everything for heartburn and indigestion?'

 

Pharmacist: 'We sure do.'

 

Jacob: 'You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?'

 

Pharmacist: 'All speeds and sizes.'

 

Jacob: 'Adult diapers?'

 

Pharmacist: 'Sure.'

 

.............Jacob: 'We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry.'

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At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

 

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position.

 

The director of the winery wondered how to send him away.

 

He gave him a glass to drink.

 

The drunk tried it and said, 

 

“It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.”

 

'That's correct', 

 

said the boss. Another glass...

 

“This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees, and requires three more years for finest results.”

 

'Correct.'

 

A third glass...

 

'It's a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' 

 

the drunk said calmly.

 

The director was astonished.

 

He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something.

 

She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine.

 

The alcoholic tried it. 

 

'It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if I don't get the job I'll name the father.”

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The bride was anything but a tidy housekeeper.


It didn't bother her much until one evening when her husband called from the hall, somewhat dismayed, "Honey, what happened to the dust on this table? I had a phone number written on it."

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In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth, and then He rested.

 

Then God created man, and then they both rested.

 

Then God created woman, and since then neither God nor man has ever rested.

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People say that there is no difference between ‘finished’ and ‘complete’. I say there is...


Marry the right person, and you’re COMPLETE.


Marry the wrong person, and you’re FINISHED.

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A psychiatrist's secretary walked into his study and said, "There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. Claims he's invisible."

 

The psychiatrist responded, "Tell him I can't see him."

 

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