[JOTD] Joke of the day

[Vdogeek]

Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? 
-
Of course, a house doesn’t jump at all.

[tao]

A Medical lecture on harmful foods:

 

'The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. The following are just a few examples:

Red meat is full of steroids and dye.
Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.
Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
High trans-fat diets can be disastrous
Germs in our drinking water.

But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it.
Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'

After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Yeah, ........Wedding Cake.'

[tao]

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive''s wife stopped by his office. When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

 

Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."

[tao]

The real estate boss got a hot new secretary. Afraid of sexual harassment issues he held himself off for a week, but finally overcome with lust, he decided to put some moves on her.

 

But within a few weeks, he is feeling displeased at the way she is working, not caring, coming to work late, and so on. So, he pulls her aside, and has a little talk with her. "Listen, baby, we may have gone to bed together a few times, but who said you could start coming in late and slacking off?"

 

Looking him in the eyes, she replied, "My lawyer!"

[kn_andre]

Ouch .....  ???

[vitorio]

There is no free lunch.

[tao]

A minister stood in front of his congregation and announced, "I have good news and bad news.

 

The good news is we have enough money to pay for our new building program.

 

The bad news is that it’s still in your pockets.”

[tao]

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband -- who was a big burly man -- tossed his trousers to his bride and said, "Here, put these on."

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I cant wear your trousers," she said.

"That's right, said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Hell," he said. I cant get into your panties!"

She replied, "That's right, and that's the way its going to stay until your attitude changes."

[vitorio]

Women knows better!!!

[IronY-Man]

Q: What do a gynecologist and a pizza boy have in common?

Spoiler

A: They can smell it but they can't eat it!

 

[nir]

An old man went to the college that he went to when he was a youth. He knocked on room number 3 of the hostel and said:
"May I come in. I lived in this very room thirty years ago when I studied in this college".

A young man opened the door and let him in.

The old man examined the room, fondly remembering everything.
He said, "The same old room, the same old wooden table, the ventilator and the same old window that opens to the garden. And the same old bed."
When examining it he found a young girl under the bed.

The young man got alarmed and said, "Don't mistake me. She is my sister. She dropped her ear ring and is searching for it."

The old man said, "And the same old story..."

[nir]

[Vdogeek]

 Anton, do you think I’m a bad mother?

My name is Paul.

 

?

[nir]

A woman invited some people to dinner.

 

At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"

 

"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the woman answered. 

 

The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

[nir]

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home.

 

As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer.

 

"I'm going to a lecture." The man said.

 

"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.

 

"My wife," said the man.

[Akaneharuka]

 

Yeahh ! Drink it girl !

 

[Sylence]

[nir]

A guy is stranded on a desert island all alone for ten years. One day he sees a speck on the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship."

The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She comes up to the guy and she says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!" he says.

She reaches over, unzips this waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"
He replies, "Ten years!"

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.
He takes a long swig and says, "Wow! That's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"

And the man replies, "Oh my! Don't tell me you've got a computer in there!"

[nir]

Him: There is one word that will make me the happiest man in the world. Will you marry me?

Her: No!

Him: That's the word!

[nir]

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital and she timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator responded, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the patient's name and room number?"

The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."

After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone, "Oh, good news. Her nurse has told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal. And her physician, Dr.Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday."

The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried! God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me anything."

Edited September 13, 2018 by nir

[nir]

My ex-wife and I could not reconcile our marriage because of religious differences.

 

She thought she was God.

 

I disagreed.

[nir]

A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were finished, they fell asleep, not waking until 8 o'clock that night.

 

They got dressed quickly. Then the man asked his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she did as he asked, thinking him pretty weird.

 

The man finally got home and his wife met him at the door. Upset, she asked where he'd been. The man replied, "I can not tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late."

 

The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes, and yelled, "I can see those are grass stains on your shoes. YOU LIAR! You've been playing golf again, haven't you?"

[nir]

There was this gas station in "redneck country" trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up."

 

Soon a "redneck" customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.

 

The owner told him to pick a number from (1) to (10), and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

The buyer then guessed (8) and the proprietor said, "No, you were close. The number was (7). Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time".

 

Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex.

 

The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number. The man guessed (2) this time, and the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was (3). You were close but no free sex this time".

 

As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't give away free sex".

 

The buddy replied, "No, it's not rigged -- my wife won twice last week."

[nir]

The 1982 Israeli invasion of Lebanon resulted in many dogfights between Syrian and Israeli jet fighters.

In the end, the Syrians lost over 80 planes and had a number of SAM batteries knocked out, while the Israelis lost no planes.

Sometime later, the Syrian Defense Minister was shopping for weapons in Moscow.

His host, the Soviet Defense Minister, was embarrassed about the scorecard from Lebanon.

He told his Syrian guest, "Take anything you want - our best tanks, rifles, or surface-to-air missiles."

"No, no - you don't understand!" the Syrian replied. "Last time you gave us surface-to-air missiles. This time we need surface-to-*jet* missiles!"

 

[nir]

After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, the young lady decided she'd been stood up. Exasperated, she changed from her dinner dress into pajamas and slippers, fixed some popcorn and resigned herself to an evening of TV. 

No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV than her doorbell rang. 

There stood her date. 

He took one look at her and gasped, "I'm two hours late, and you're still not ready?"