[JOTD] Joke of the day

[tao]

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

 

'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'

 

'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'

 

'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. 'He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'

 

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

 

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

 

Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.

 

'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'

 

Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?'

 

'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'

 

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run?'

 

'Nope..just when it's raining.'

[Dean213]

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 

'Talking Dog For Sale'. 

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. 

'You talk?', he asks.

'Yep', the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says,

'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so... I told the CIA.

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. 

I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.

I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. 

He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars', the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the yard.'

Edited July 12, 2018 by Dino101

[tao]

Mr. Jones is driving past the state mental hospital when his left rear tire suffers a flat. While he is changing the tire, another car goes by, running over the hub cap in which he was keeping the lug nuts. The nuts are all knocked into a nearby storm drain.

He is at a loss for what to do and is about to go call a cab when he hears a shout from behind the hospital fence, where one of the inmates has been watching the whole thing.

"Hey, pal! Why don't you just take one lug nut off each of the other three wheels and use them to replace the missing ones? That'll hold your tires on until you can get to a garage or something."

Mr. Jones is startled by the patient's seeming rationality, but realizes the plan will work, and installs the spare tire without incident. Before he leaves, he calls back to the patient. "You know, that was pretty sharp thinking. Why do they have you in there?"

The patient smiles and says, "I'm in here because I'm crazy, not because I'm stupid."

[debebee]

[tao]

A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper.

 

"Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager, "but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?"

 

"Well," he replies pointing out one brand, "this is as soft as a baby's bottom. It's $1.50 per roll."
He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft, strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll."
Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per roll."

"Give me the No Name," she says.

 

She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says, "Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne."

"Why?" he asks.

"Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't take crap from anybody!"

[tao]

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Jenny went straight round to visit her grandmother.

 

When she asked how her grandpa had died, her granny explained, "He had a heart attack during sex on Sunday morning."

 

Horrified, Jenny suggested that having sex at the age of 94 was surely asking for trouble.

 

"Oh no," her granny replied, "we had sex every Sunday morning, in time with the church bells.

 

She paused, and wiped away a tear.

 

"If it wasn't for that dang ringy-ding-ding ice cream truck going past just as the church bells were ringing, he'd still be alive."

[tao]

A man meets a woman at a bar and asks her

"Would you have sex with me for 10 million dollars?"

Without skipping a beat she screams

"Yes!"

 

The man then asks

"What about for $20?"

She looks at him sideways and says

"What do you think I am, a whore?"

 

The man says

"We've already established that you are, now we're just negotiating."

[tao]

A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door. She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there. He asks the lady, "Do you have a Va.ina?" She slams the door in disgust.

 

The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question to the woman, "Do you have a Va.ina?" She slams the door again.

 

Later that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey, I am taking an off tomorrow so as to be home, just in case this guy shows up again."

 

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door. The husband whispers to the wife, "Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to a see where he's going with this."

 

She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks, "Do you have a Va.ina?" "Yes I do." says the lady.

 

The man replies, "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!"

[Dean213]

Good & Bad News

 

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client.

“Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."

The art collector replied, 

"You know, I've had an awful day, Jack, so let's hear the good news first."

The lawyer said, 

"Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she has invested only $5,000 in two very nice pictures that she thinks will bring somewhere between $15 and $20 million ... and I think she could be right."

Saul replied enthusiastically, 

"Holy cow! Well done! My wife is a brilliant business woman, isn't she? You've just made my day. Now, I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"

The lawyer replied, 

"The pictures are of you and your secretary."

[tao]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

 

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

 

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

 

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.  The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[tao]

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”

 

“Why?”

 

“Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”

[tao]

One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. The bartender asks the man what he wants. The man says “Oh just a beer”.

 

The bartender asked the man “Whats wrong, why are you so down today?”.

 

The man said “My wife and i got into a fight, and she said she wouldn't talk to me for a month”.

 

The bartender said “So whats wrong with that”?

 

The man said “Well the month is up tonight”.

[tao]

Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years. One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his pen.s into the pickle slicer.

 

His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome this rash desire on his own.

 

A few weeks later, Bill returns home absolutely ashen. His wife asks, "What's wrong, Bill?"

"Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my pen.s into the pickle slicer?"

 

His wife gasps, "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired."

"No, Bill I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

 

"Oh, um, she got fired, too."

[tao]

John: I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married. Did you?

 

Bob: I'm not sure. What was your wife's maiden name?

[leapinlizards]

just discovered... love da jokes .

bookmarked.

 

cheers

Edited July 15, 2018 by leapinlizards

[tao]

Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm.

 

Johnny asked his mom, “Where’d he come from?”

 

“He came from heaven, Johnny.”“Wow! I can see why they threw him out!”

[tao]

Ben went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law.One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone.Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.

Ben picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her.In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.

The wife said, "What are we going to do?"

"Nothing," said Ben, "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."

[tao]

How many online forum group members does it take to change a lightbulb?

 

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

53 to flame the spell checkers.

41 to correct spelling/grammar flames.

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"...another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp".

15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct.

156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy".

109 to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb group

203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb group about changing light bulbs be stopped.

111 to defend the posting to this group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this group.

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.

27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's.

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.

33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too".

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three".

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.

44 to ask what is a "FAQ".

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs".

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again....

[tao]

Internet forum rules:
1. Come
2. Ask something
3. Get banned
4. Go & Google it
 

[tao]

Moderator on witness stand: " I didn't mean to shoot him. I thought the trigger was the Delete key."  ?

[tao]

After receiving his medication from the pharmacist, the customer asked, "Are these time-release pills?"

The pharmacist replied, "Yes, they are. They'll begin to work after your check clears."

[tao]

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section.

 

One asked the other if she would like a beer.

The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable purchasing it.

 

The first nun replied that she would handle it without a problem.

She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier.

 

The cashier was surprised, so the nun said, “This is for washing our hair.”

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer. “The curlers are on the house".

[tao]

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers.

 

The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And, it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

 

[tao]

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. 'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'

'Go away!' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door.

 

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. ''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.'' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. ''Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.''

The old lady stepped back and said, ''Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning!

[tao]

Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"

 

"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."

 

"Social Security sex?"

"Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"