[JOTD] Joke of the day

[Vdogeek]

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Ken.

Ken who?

Ken I come in?

[Dean213]

 

 

But before him it was the first Apple product that really fu%#k'd  things up...

 

 

 

 

 

Edited April 30, 2018 by Dino101

[Dean213]

 

Enlarge image!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited April 30, 2018 by Dino101

[Dean213]

 

 

LOL

Edited May 1, 2018 by Dino101

[Dce3480]

[Dean213]

 

 

 

 

Dang it, every time....

Edited May 3, 2018 by Dino101

[tao]

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an Elderly Native American Woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the woman.

The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

‘What in bag?’ asked the old woman.

 

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, ‘It’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.’

The woman was silent for another moment or two.

Then, speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, ‘Good trade.’

[tao]

A couple pulled into the driveway after their first date. The guy leans over and gives the girl a long, slow kiss. While he's kissing her, he quietly unzips his pants, takes her hand, and puts it on his p..is.

When she realizes what it is, she screams, jumps out of the car, and yells back at him as she starts closing the car door, "I've got just two words for you, Drop Dead!!"

"And I've got two words for you too," the guy shrieks, "LET GO!!!!"

[Dean213]

Why haven’t there been any shark attacks on lawyers? Sharks observe professional courtesy.


------------------------------------------------------>
A fat guy and a thin guy meet:

Fat guy: “When I see you, I’d think a famine broke out!”

Thin guy: “And when I see you, I’d think you’re the one responsible for that!”


------------------------------------------>
 

An elderly man was on the operating table awaiting surgery to be performed by his son, a renowned surgeon. Just before they would put him under, he asked to speak to his son: "Don’t be nervous, son, do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me… your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."


--------------------------------------->
An almost hysterical man calls 911 and yells, "Please come quickly! Kailey is pregnant and her labor started now, it’s really intense!" 
"Is this her first child?" asks the operator. 
"No you dumbass! It’s her husband!"


-------------------------------->
Late one night a robber wearing a mask stopped a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money," he demanded. Scandalized, the man replied, "You can’t do this – I’m a US Congressman!" "Oh! In that case," smiled the robber, "Give me MY money!"

 

 

-------------------------------->

 

Police: Where do u live?


Me: With my parents

Police: Where does ur parents live?

Me: With me

Police: Where do u all live?

Me: Together

Police: Where is ur house?

Me: Next to my neighbors house

Police: Where is your neighbors house?

Me: If i tell you u wont believe me.

Police: Tell me

Me: Next to my house 

 

Edited May 11, 2018 by Dino101

[vitorio]

2 hours ago, Dino101 said:

Why haven’t there been any shark attacks on lawyers? Sharks observe professional courtesy.


------------------------------------------------------>
A fat guy and a thin guy meet:

Fat guy: “When I see you, I’d think a famine broke out!”

Thin guy: “And when I see you, I’d think you’re the one responsible for that!”


------------------------------------------>
 

An elderly man was on the operating table awaiting surgery to be performed by his son, a renowned surgeon. Just before they would put him under, he asked to speak to his son: "Don’t be nervous, son, do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me… your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."


--------------------------------------->
An almost hysterical man calls 911 and yells, "Please come quickly! Kailey is pregnant and her labor started now, it’s really intense!" 
"Is this her first child?" asks the operator. 
"No you dumbass! It’s her husband!"


-------------------------------->
Late one night a robber wearing a mask stopped a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money," he demanded. Scandalized, the man replied, "You can’t do this – I’m a US Congressman!" "Oh! In that case," smiled the robber, "Give me MY money!"

 

 

-------------------------------->

 

Police: Where do u live?


Me: With my parents

Police: Where does ur parents live?

Me: With me

Police: Where do u all live?

Me: Together

Police: Where is ur house?

Me: Next to my neighbors house

Police: Where is your neighbors house?

Me: If i tell you u wont believe me.

Police: Tell me

Me: Next to my house 

 

This can go forever.

[tao]

Hubby: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?

Wife: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

Hubby: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?

Wife: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"

[tao]

A widow visited a spiritualistic medium, who satisfactorily produced the deceased husband for a domestic chat.

"Dear John," the widow questioned eagerly, "are you happy now?"

"I am very happy," the spook assured her.

"Happier than you were on earth with me?" the widow continued, greatly impressed.

"Yes," John asserted, "I am far happier now than I was on earth with you."

"Oh, do tell me, John," the widow cried rapturously, "what is it like in heaven?"

"Heaven!" the answer snapped. "I ain't in heaven!"

[Dean213]

Exams are like Girl friends

- Too many questions
- Difficult to understand
- More explanation is needed
- Result is always fail!


------------------------------------------------------>>
Teacher Fell Asleep In Class And A Little Naughty Boy Walked Up To Him,

Little Boy : “Teacher Are You Sleeping In Class?”
Teacher : “No I Am Not Sleeping In Class.”
Little Boy : “What Were You Doing Sir?”
Teacher : ” I Was Talking To God.”
The Next Day The Naughty Boy FellAsleep In Class And The Same
Teacher Walks Up To Him
Teacher : “Young Man, You Are Sleeping In My Class.”
Little Boy : “No Not Me Sir, I Am Not Sleeping.”
Angry Teacher: “What Were You Doing.??”
Little Boy : “I Was Talking To God.”
Angry Teacher: “What Did He Say??”
Little Boy : “God Said He Never Spoke To You Yesterday” ::-) :-D


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------->>

My friend told me he had the body of a Greek god. I had to explain to him that Buddha is not Greek.

------------------------------>>

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. The man eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over. The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my shift is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go." The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"

------------------------------->>

A bank robber pulls out gun points it at the teller, and says, "Give me all the money or you're geography!" The puzzled teller replies, "Did you mean to say 'or you're history?'" The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"

-------------------------------->>

A: I have the perfect son. 

B: Does he smoke? 
A: No, he doesn’t. 
B: Does he drink whiskey? 
A: No, he doesn’t. 
B: Does he ever come home late? 
A: No, he doesn’t. 
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he? 
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.

------------------------>>

An old man is met by his attorney, and is told he is going to be audited. He rides to the IRS office with his attorney, and when he gets there, he begins to talk with the IRS agent. "I bet $2,000 I can bite my own eye!" The IRS agent agrees to the bet, believing it an impossible task. The old man laughs, pulls out his glass eye, and bites it. The IRS agent is dumbfounded. The old man bets $3,000 he can bite his other eye. The IRS agent knows there's no way possible to do this, so he once more agrees. The old man cackles, pulls out his dentures, and bites his eye. Then the old man finally wagers, "I bet $20,000 I can stand on the far side of your desk, pee over the desk, and get it into your wastebasket, without missing a single drop." The agent knows he won't be able to, so once more he agrees. The old man indeed misses, peeing all over the desk, and on the paperwork. The IRS agent jumps for joy, but then notices the attorney over in the corner moaning. "Are you all right?" asks the agent. "No! On the way over here, he bet me $400,000 he could pee on your desk and you'd be happy about it!"

 

Edited May 12, 2018 by Dino101

[tao]

A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her, and having an affair with the maid.

 

So she laid down a trap.

One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend and didn't tell the husband.

That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story: Excuse me my dear, my stomach aches, and went to the bathroom.

The wife promptly went into the maid's bed. She switched the lights off. When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words but quickly got on top of her...

When he finished and was still panting, the wife said: "You didn't expect to find me in this bed, did you?" And then she switched on the light...

"No madam," said the gardener.

[Akaneharuka]

I really don`t know why ,Almost picture of the people who use that tools in the internet ,Use the same way like that !

 

It not the right way

!

 

[Dean213]

So two Irishmen are traveling to Australia. Before they leave home, one of their dads gives them both a bit of advice: "You watch them Aussie cab drivers. They'll rob you blind. Don't you go paying them what they ask. You haggle." At the Sydney airport, the Irishmen catch a cab to their hotel. When they reach their destination, the cabbie says, "That'll be twenty dollars, lads." "Oh no you don't! My dad warned me about you. You'll only be getting fifteen dollars from me," says one of the men. "And you'll only be getting fifteen from me too," adds the other.

--------------------------------------->>

A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?" "Do you have any proof he owes you the money?" asked the lawyer. "Nope," replied the man. "OK, then write him a letter asking him for the $5,000 he owed you," said the lawyer. "But it's only $500," replied the man. "Precisely. That’s what he will reply and then you’ll have your proof!"

--------------------------------------------->>

Q: What’s the easiest way to remember your wife’s birthday?

A: Forget it once!

--------------------------------------------------------->>

Police officer talks to a driver: Your tail light is broken, your tires must be exchanged and your bumper hangs halfway down. That will be 300 dollars.
 -
Driver: Alright, go ahead. They want twice as much as that at the garage.

---------------------------------------------------------->>

How can you tell you have a really bad case of acne?
 
It’s when the blind try to read your face.

--------------------------------------------------------------->>

How can they call it "Alcoholics Anonymous" when the first thing you do is you stand up and say, 

‘My name is John and I am an alcoholic’?

-------------------------------------------------------------->>

Smile and the world smiles with you. Fart and the world suddenly stops smiling.

A teacher asked her students to use the word "beans" in a sentence. "My father grows beans," said one girl. "My mother cooks beans," said a boy. A third student spoke up, "We are all human beans."

------------------------------------------------------>>

A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck. When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous." God snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This want on and on throughout the group. God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically. By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground. When the man's turn came, he laughed and said, "I wish they were all ugly again."

--------------------------------------------------->>

Instead of "the John," I call my toilet "the Jim." That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning.

--------------------------------------------------->>

A proud and confident genius makes a bet with an idiot. The genius says, "Hey idiot, every question I ask you that you don't know the answer, you have to give me $5. And if you ask me a question and I can't answer yours I will give you $5,000." The idiot says, "Okay." The genius then asks, "How many continents are there in the world?" The idiot doesn't know and hands over the $5. The idiot says, "Now me ask: what animal stands with two legs but sleeps with three?" The genius tries and searches very hard for the answer but gives up and hands over the $5000. The genius says, "Dang it, I lost. By the way, what was the answer to your question?" The idiot hands over $5.

 

-----------<>----------------------------------------------------------------------->>>

Edited May 15, 2018 by Dino101

[tao]

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

 

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

 

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

 

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

 

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me. What should I do?"

 

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

 

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says. "I spoke to your wife...spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" 

 

The man said yes, and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison!"   

[KRS]

If this message reaches 1,000 times, I do not agree, I'm just doing tests. 

[Dean213]

A man to a psychiatrist: “How do you select who should be admitted to your facility?” 

The psychiatrist replies: “We fill a bathtub with water and give the person a spoon, a cup and a bucket. Then we ask that person to empty the bathtub.” 

The man smiles: “Ah, I understand, if you are sane you would take the bucket.” 

The Psychiatrist replies: “No, a sane guy pulls the plug. Do you want a room with or without a balcony?”
---------------------------->>>

A five-year-old Mikey asks his Grandpa, “Grandpa, what do you call it when there are two people on top of each other in bed?”

-
The Grandpa feels very uncomfortable but decides not to confuse the child and bravely says, “That’s intercourse, my boy.”
-
“OK,” nods Mikey and off he goes.
-
He comes back after five minutes and says, “Grandpa, that’s not right. I’ve just spoken to mom and she said that it’s not called intercourse but a bunk bed!”

-------------------------------------------->>>>

 

A judge asks a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a garbage man with a chain saw."

 

From the back of the courtroom a man shouts, "You lying bas@#rd!"

 

"Silence in the court!" The judge turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."

 

"You tightwad!" blurts the spectator.

 

"Quiet!" yelled the judge. "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."

 

"You cheap son of a... " the spectator starts to shout.

 

The judge thunders back, " I will hold you in contempt! What is the reason for your outbursts?"

 

"I've lived next to that lying bas@#rd for 10 years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one?"

 

 

------------------->>
 

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

 

Moral of the story:

1. Not everyone who sh1ts on you is your enemy
2. Not everyone who gets you out of sh1t is your friend
3. And when you’re in deep sh1t, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!!!

 

 

---------------------------->>>

 

My wife and me were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have s_x?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

"Yes," she replied.

Then I said, "I'd like to phone a friend."

That's the last thing I remember after waking up in Hospital.
 

----------------------->>

 

Edited May 17, 2018 by Dino101

[tao]

A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor.

 

"I feel really good today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a twenty dollar bill to a bum."

"You gave a bum twenty whole dollars? That's a lot of money to just give away. What did your husband say about it?"

"Oh, he thought it was the proper thing to do. He said, 'Thanks.'"

[tao]

A woman comes home and finds her husband in bed with a female midget.

 

Furious, she screams, "You promised me you wouldn't cheat on me again!"

 

The husband replies, "Darling, can't you see I'm trying?  I've cut down."

[Dean213]

One More Final Wish ...


A bus carrying many people crashed on an icy road, burst into flames, and everyone died.
Upon arrival in heaven, The lord said, "Since you have died in a terrible way, I'll grant you
one wish before I let you into heaven."

The first woman, being a person always concerned on her looks, comes up to the Lord and says "I wish to be beautiful." God grants her wish.
The next person can’t decide on what to wish for, so he ends up wishing for the same thing.
At this point a Man at the very back of the Line starts to laugh.

The next couple, seeing how utterly wondrous the two have become, make their wish to become beautiful also.
And the man at the end laughs even louder.

One after another, the people wish for the same thing.

The closer Lord gets to the end of the line, the harder the man Laughs.
When The lord finally reaches him, he asks "What is your wish my son?"
The man at the end of the line says,: "Make them all Ugly again !!!!!"

 

 

------------------------------------------------>>>>

 

A guy was siting in d toilet when

someone from the adjacent toilet said,
1: Hi, how r u?
He got embarrassed n said,
2: I m fine.
1: So what r u up to?
2: Well, just sitting like u.
1: Can i come over?
2: No! R u crazy?
1: Listen I will call u back.There is
an idiot in d other toilet answering my
questions...

 

------------------------------------->>

 

 

A little boy was doing his maths homework & saying..

2+2, the son of a bi#ch is 4.

3+6, the son of a bi#ch is 9..

His Mom: What are you doing? 

Boy: I'm doing maths homework. 

Mom: this is how your teacher taught you?

Boy: Yes.

Infuriated, Mom asked the teacher the next day- 'What

are you teaching my son in maths?'

Teacher: Right now, we are learning addition.

 

Mom: You teaching them to say 2+ 2, the Son of a bi#ch

is 4? 

 

Teacher after laughing: What I taught them was, 2+2, the

sum of which is 4... 

 

--------------------------------------->>

 

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. 


The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." 

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. 

The undertaker asked,"Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?" 

The man replied, "Long ago a man called Jesus Christ died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance.

 

-------------------------------->>

 

Wedding Anniversary Gift


Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.

She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I want to see a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"

The next morning, Bob got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale !!!

Edited May 20, 2018 by Dino101

[tao]

We Are The Best Of Friends

 

The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will."

"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change."

[tao]

One night at the dinner table, the wife commented, 'When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger.

 

Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller.

 

Don't love me anymore?'

 

'Nonsense, darling,' replied the husband, 'you just cook better now.'

[tao]

A preacher on his deathbed summoned his doctor and his lawyer. They came, and he asked them to sit on either side of his bed and hold his hands.

They sat thus for a long while until the doctor stirred and said, ”You don’t have long on this earth, Reverend. Better tell us why you asked us to come.”

The old preacher stirred himself wheezed and said ”Well, Jesus died between two thieves, and that’s the way I want to go too.”