[JOTD] Joke of the day

[kenzhin]

Wrong Choice!

 

A middle aged couple is vacationing in the West. Toby always wanted a pair of exotic cowboy boots. Sees some on sale one day, he buys them, wears the boots and goes hotel, walks proudly. He walks into their hotel room and says to his wife, “Notice anything different, Ruth?”

Ruth looks him over. “No.”

Toby says excitedly, “Come on, Ruth, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?”

Ruth looks again. “No Toby.”

Frustrated, Toby storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the cowboy boots. Again he asks, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different now?”

Ruth looks up and down and says, “Toby, what’s different? It was hanging down yesterday, it’s hanging down today and it will be hanging down tomorrow!”

Angry, Toby screams, “And do you know why its hanging down, Ruth? It’s hanging down because it’s looking at my new awesome cowboy boots!”

Ruth replies, “You should bought a hat, Toby!”

 

 

[kenzhin]

Cemetery Visit!

 

Duncan placed some daisies on the grave of his dearly deceased mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating,

“Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?” Duncan approached him and said, “Sir, I don’t wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I’ve ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A kid? A parent?”

The man paused a second and collect himself, then answered, “My wife’s first husband.”

 

 

[kenzhin]

Cross Examining!

 

The attorney was cross-examining a witness.

“Isn’t it true” he screamed, “that you were given 1.000.000 dollars to throw this case?”

The witness did not answer. Instead, he just looked out the window as though he hadn’t heard the question. The lawyer repeated himself, again getting the same reaction – no answer.

Finally, the judge spoke to the witness, “Please answer the question.”

“Wha…Oh,” said the bewildered witness, “I thought he was talking to you.”

[Vdogeek]

Would you cheat on your wife?

On whom else would I be cheating?!

[kenzhin]

Flashlight!

 

One sunny day, three dead bodies are delivered to the mortuary. Each of them has a great big smile on their faces.

The Coroner examines the bodies and then calls the Inspector to tell him what has happened.

“First lifeless body Italian; 60, died of heart attack while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector”, says the Coroner.

“Second lifeless body Spanish; 25, won a million pounds on the lottery, drunk too much tequila, whisky, vine, rom etc. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.”

The inspector then asks, “What about the third body?”

“Ahh, Jesus,” says the officer, “This is the most unusual one. Deleware the redneck from Kansas, 34, struck by lightning.”

“Why is he smiling then?” asks the Inspector.

The Coroner replies; “He thought he was having his picture taken.”

[Vdogeek]

How did the pirate become a boxing champion so fast?

Nobody was ready to take on his right hook.

 

[kenzhin]

Get It Wrong!

 

A young couple Harlan and Goldie had just finished having remarkable sex. Afterwards, Goldie looked in the box of preservatives and saw that there were only six left out of the original twelve. She asked her boyfriend, “What happened to the five other condoms?”

Harlan rather nervously and shiftily replied, “Ummm, I played by myself with them.”

The next day Goldie went to one of her male friends and told him what had happened. Then she said to her male friend, “Have you ever done that?”

Her friend replied, “Yeah, a few times.”

Goldie said, “You mean you’ve actually m..turbated with a condom before?”

“Oh! I got it wrong,” he said, “I thought you were asking if I had ever lied to my girlfriend.”

[kenzhin]

Jumping Into The Pool!

 

Three patients Clive, Daryl and Chuck in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the chief psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they can’t pass the exam, the institution will detain them for six years.

The psychiatrist takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks Clive to jump.

Clive jumps head first into the pool and cracks his skull.

Then Daryl jumps and breaks his hipbone .

Finally, it’s Chuck’s turn but he looks over the side and refuses to jump.

“Congratulations! You’re a free man. Just tell me why didn’t you jump?” asked the doctor.

Chuck answered, “Well Doctor, I can’t swim!”

 

 

[Vdogeek]

 How did Captain Hook die?
-
Multiple stabbings. He got a bad case of an itchy rash.
 

 

[Sharelol]

[Vdogeek]

At a medical check-up:

Do you do dangerous sports?

Well, sometimes I talk back at my wife.

[kenzhin]

Taxi Tour!

 

A Chinese guy was taking a taxi tour of London and was in a hurry. As they went by the Tower of London the taxi driver explained what it was and that construction of it started in 1346 and was completed in 1412.

The Chinese replied, “Seriously? A little old tower like that? In Shangai we’d have that thing up in two weeks!”

Next they passed the House of Parliament – started in 1544 and completed in 1618.

“Well Mr. , we put up a bigger one than that in Shenzhen and it only took a year!”

As they passed Westminster Abbey the taxi driver was silent.

“Wow! What’s that over there?” asked the Chinese.

The chauffeur replied, “I don’t know, it wasn’t there yesterday.”

 

 

[Vdogeek]

Me: “Do you think it’s strange to talk to yourself?”

Me: “No.”

[kenzhin]

Wanted: Rooster!

 

The preacher in a small village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the chicken house out the back of the parish manse. He had a cock rooster and about ten chickens.

One Saturday afternoon the cock rooster went missing and as that was the time preacher suspected cock fights occurred in the village he decided to do something about it at church the next morning.

At Mass, preacher asked the congregation “Has anybody got a cock?”

All the men stood up.

“Jesus Christ! No!” he said “That wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?”

All the women stood up.

“Jesus Christ! No!” he said “That wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn’t belong to them.” –

Half the women stood up.

“Jesus Christ! No!” he said “That wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen my cock?”

All the nuns stood up.

 

 

[Vdogeek]

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Doris.

Doris who?

The Doris locked, why do you think I'm knocking?

[kenzhin]

Red-Handed!

 

An old woman had just returned to her home from an evening church service when she was startled by an uninvited quest. She caught the thief red-handed, and screamed, “Stop! Acts 2:38!" (meaning, repent and be baptized…)

The thief stopped dead in his tracks. The old woman then calmly called the police station and explained what she had done.

As the police officer handcuffed the thief, he asked, “Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.”

“Scripture?” replied the thief, “I thought she said she had an axe and two 38’s Smith Wesson!”

 

 

[Vdogeek]

What do you get when you cross-breed a shark and a cow? 

I have no idea but I wouldn’t try milking it.

[ZaG]

 

[Reefa]

19 minutes ago, ZaG said:

 

[kenzhin]

Teenage Daughters!

 

There are three guys; American, Italian and French all talking about their teenage daughters.

The American says ” I was cleaning my daughter’s back-pack yesterday and I found a small packet marijuana. I was really shocked as I didn’t even know she smokes”.

The Italian says ” That’s nothing. I was cleaning my daughter’s back-pack yesterday when I came across a half full bottle of Absinthe. I was really shocked as I didn’t even know she drank.”

With that the French guy says ” Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter’s back-pack yesterday when I found packet of preservatives. I was really shocked. I didn’t even know she had a c*ck.”

 

 

[Vdogeek]

Organized people are simply too lazy to search for stuff......hmmmmmmm

 

Edited April 17, 2018 by Vdogeek

[tao]

"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket.

"Keep it," the cop said, "when you collect four of them you get a bicycle."

[tao]

This example shows the importance of accuracy when submitting your tax return. The IRS returned the Tax Return submitted by a New York City man implying that he answered one of the questions incorrectly.

 

In response to the question, 'List your dependents”, you wrote: '12.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crack-heads, 4.4 million unemployed deadbeats, 80,000 criminals in over 85 prisons, at least 450 idiots in Congress and those who call themselves Politicians.' The IRS responded that “this is unacceptable!”

 

The man's response to the IRS was: 'Who did I leave out?'

[tao]

A wife started doing her make up as soon as she woke up.

Her husband asked the reason.

She replied, “I have locked my phone with facial recognition. And it’s not recognizing me without makeup.”

[tao]

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?" The man says, "Yep, sure do."

Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."

Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?"

 

The man says, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."