tao Posted January 15, 2018 Share Posted January 15, 2018 (edited) After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the wife replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it." Edited January 15, 2018 by adi mona, Pequi, Vdogeek and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vdogeek Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 (edited) Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live." Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!" Doctor: "Nine..." Edited January 17, 2018 by Vdogeek Pequi 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tao Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 After being married for 25 years, a wife asked her husband to describe her. He looked at her carefully, then said, 'You are A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K.' 'What does that mean?' she asked suspiciously. He said, 'Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous and Hot!' She beamed at him happily and said: 'Oh, that's so lovely! But what about I, J and K?' 'I'm Just Kidding!' (The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctors are fairly optimistic about saving his genitals). Radpop, Pequi, sefton22 and 3 others 3 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vdogeek Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 (edited) My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away. Edited January 17, 2018 by Vdogeek tao 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vdogeek Posted January 22, 2018 Share Posted January 22, 2018 Tonight I dreamt of a beautiful walk on a sandy beach. ... At least that explains the footprints I found in the cat litter box this morning. tao and Pequi 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tao Posted January 22, 2018 Share Posted January 22, 2018 Once upon a time there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly decided to fly south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to Earth in a barnyard, nearly frozen solid. A cow passed by where he had fallen, and crapped on the little sparrow.The sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings! Warm and happy, able to breath, he started to sing. Just then a large cat came by, and hearing the chirping he investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and promptly ate him. The Moral of the Story: Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy Everyone who gets you out of crap is not necessarily your friend. And if you're warm and happy in a pile of crap, you might just want to keep your mouth shut. Pequi, NEW123, mona and 2 others 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vdogeek Posted January 22, 2018 Share Posted January 22, 2018 Man to his priest: “Yesterday I sinned with an 18 year old girl.” The priest: “Squeeze 18 lemons and drink the juice all at once.” Man: “And that frees me from my sin?” Priest: “No, but it frees your face from that dirty grin.” tao and Pequi 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KRS Posted January 23, 2018 Share Posted January 23, 2018 My mother-inlaw fell down a wishing well. I was amazed, I never knew they worked. hiphip and Pequi 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vdogeek Posted January 23, 2018 Share Posted January 23, 2018 8 p.m. I get an SMS from my girlfriend: Me or football?! 11 p.m. I SMS my girlfriend: You of course. Pequi 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vdogeek Posted January 24, 2018 Share Posted January 24, 2018 Optimist: The glass is half full. Pessimist: The glass is half empty. Mother: Why didn’t you use a coaster! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tao Posted January 24, 2018 Share Posted January 24, 2018 A 60-year-old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception. His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment, one of them asks him how did he land such a hot 23-year-old beauty. “Simple,” grins the millionaire, “I faked my age.' His friends are really amazed and ask him how much he said. 'Well,' he replied, 'I said I was 87!' 0bin, Pequi, Vdogeek and 2 others 4 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Akaneharuka Posted January 25, 2018 Share Posted January 25, 2018 Real before and After. Cat take a bath. BioHazard, 0bin and hiphip 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BioHazard Posted January 25, 2018 Share Posted January 25, 2018 Is this your ?? Akaneharuka and 0bin 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Akaneharuka Posted January 25, 2018 Share Posted January 25, 2018 Not my cat. I want to have cat too.But I live in apartment can not have cat BioHazard 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BioHazard Posted January 25, 2018 Share Posted January 25, 2018 2 minutes ago, Akaneharuka said: Not my cat. I want to have cat too.But I live in apartment can not have cat I ❤️ small animals but where l live no pets are allowed Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hiphip Posted January 25, 2018 Share Posted January 25, 2018 51 minutes ago, Akaneharuka said: Not my cat. I want to have cat too.But I live in apartment can not have cat It's not joke of the day but two years ago I had two cats and not anymore! because my neighbor has stolen both cats by giving only milk! they do not come back even if they got milk from me at home! cats are scumbags! both cats were called ANt! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vdogeek Posted January 25, 2018 Share Posted January 25, 2018 I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent. So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?” One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales, dumbo!” So I corrected myself, “Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?” ..... That’s about as far as I remember. tao, lurch234, IronY-Man and 2 others 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IronY-Man Posted January 25, 2018 Share Posted January 25, 2018 A young, American soldier arrives to his first tour of duty in an undeveloped area of Kuwait, and quickly discovers that things are rather strict. While he's able to distract himself for the first few days, he soon starts to get a little bit "antsy," and wonders how, exactly, he's meant to contend with that. Finally, feeling rather embarrassed, he approaches another soldier. "Listen, man," the newly arrived soldier whispers, "I was a teenager once. I know how to 'take care of things' without much for inspiration... but come on! There must be something around here to help 'ease the tension.'" "You're using a lot of euphemisms," the seasoned soldier responds. "Shut up and tell me the secret," answers the newly arrived soldier. "Well, which do you want me to do?" The newly arrived soldier rolls his eyes, becoming irritated at the length of this joke. "Just tell me!" After glancing around to make sure that nobody is listening, the seasoned soldier leans in close. "Okay, listen: Out behind the barracks, there's a tree. Tied to that tree is a camel. When you're feeling... you know..." Before the seasoned solider can finish, the newly arrived soldier makes a sound of disgust and pulls away. "That's horrible!" he shouts, and he struts off in a huff. Still, as the sun sets and the young man finds it increasingly impossible to fall asleep, he decides to bite the proverbial bullet and give the "local remedy" a try. He sneaks out behind the barracks, and sure enough, there's a camel tied to a tree there. After taking a few deep breaths (and finding a bucket on which to stand), the soldier drops his pants. The next several minutes of this joke have been removed for decency's sake, but suffice to say that the soldier finally got some rest that night. The following morning, the newly arrived solider approaches the seasoned soldier who told him about the camel. "Well, I did it," he says. "It wasn't as bad as I thought." "Yeah, you get used to it," the seasoned soldier replies. "My first time, though, I thought that camel-ride to the brothel would last forever." Vdogeek, Pequi, jbleck and 1 other 2 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vdogeek Posted January 26, 2018 Share Posted January 26, 2018 Wait for me honey, I’m just finishing my make-up. You don’t need make-up, Jane. Oh, Richard…. really? That is so sweet of you! You need plastic surgery. Jordan, NEW123, tao and 1 other 2 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tao Posted January 26, 2018 Share Posted January 26, 2018 A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the man on the top bunk, the woman on the lower. In the middle of the night the man leans over, wakes the woman and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket?" The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye, says, " I have a better idea, just for tonight, let's make pretend that we're married." The man says happily, "OK!" AWESOME!" The woman says, "GOOD ....get your own darn blanket!!!" NEW123, Pequi, IronY-Man and 2 others 2 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tao Posted January 26, 2018 Share Posted January 26, 2018 A wife died. A few weeks later the husband died. As he got to heaven he saw his wife. He ran up to her with tears in his eyes. 'Darling, how I've missed you!' The wife extends her arms stopping him from embracing her and says, 'Whoa there man, the contract was until death!' jbleck, IronY-Man, Vdogeek and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vdogeek Posted January 26, 2018 Share Posted January 26, 2018 Knock, knock! Who’s there? Opportunity! That is impossible. Opportunity doesn’t come knocking twice! NEW123 and Pequi 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tao Posted January 27, 2018 Share Posted January 27, 2018 The doctor took his patient into the room and said, "I have some good news and some bad news." The patient said, "Give me the good news." The doctor says, "They're going to name a disease after you." IronY-Man and Pequi 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IronY-Man Posted January 27, 2018 Share Posted January 27, 2018 A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?" And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?" The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit." jbleck and Pequi 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lurch234 Posted January 28, 2018 Share Posted January 28, 2018 A man was taking a stroll with his wife one fine Sunday afternoon. They come across a man who's visibly dead drunk. The wife tells her husband that she knew the man and that he proposed to her 10 years ago, pointing out that she refused him. The husband replied, "I can understand why he's still celebrating" tao, NEW123 and Pequi 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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