[JOTD] Joke of the day

[rudrax]

Edited July 3, 2017 by rudrax

[tao]

A boy was playing with himself in the bathtub when his father walked in and said, "Son, if you don't stop doing that, you'll go blind."

 

The boy replied, "Dad, I'm over here."

Edited July 2, 2017 by adi

[tao]

< deleted >

 

Edited July 4, 2017 by adi

[Akaneharuka]

 

 

 

[tao]

[tao]

An old man went to the Doctor complaining that his wife could barely hear.

 

The Doctor suggested a test to find out the extent of the problem. “Stand far behind her and ask her a question, and then slowly move up and see how far away you are when she first responds.”

 

The old man excited to finally be working on a solution for the problem, runs home and sees his wife preparing supper. ”

 

Honey” the man asks standing around 20 feet away “whats for supper?”

After receiving no response he tried it again 15 feet away, and again no response.

Then again at 10 feet away and again no response.

Finally he was 5 feet away “honey whats for supper?”

She replies “For the fourth time it’s lasagna!”

[tao]

Two men, Jim and John, were walking their dogs when they passed by a restaurant.

 

“Let’s go in and get something to eat,” Jim suggested.

 

“We can’t” responded John, “don’t you see the sign says NO PETS ALLOWED.”

 

“Aah that sign,” said Jim “don’t worry about it” and taking out a pair of sunglasses, he walked up to the door.

 

As he tried walking into the restaurant he got stopped at the door, “sorry no pets allowed.” Can’t you see” said Jim “I am blind, this is my seeing eye dog.” But it’s a doberman pincher, who uses a doberman pincher as a seeing eye dog?” the man asked “Oh,” Jim responded “you must have not heard, this is the latest type of seeing eye dog, they do a very good job.”

 

Seeing that it worked, John tried walking in with his Chihuahua.

 

Even before he could open his mouth, the doorman said “don’t tell me that a Chihuahua is the latest type of seeing eye dog.”

 

Thinking quickly John responded in a angry voice “You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?”

 

[rudrax]

[tao]

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."

"And that's how you built an empire?" the boy asked.

"Heavens, no!" the man replied. "Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

[tao]

The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.

 

Three weeks later, a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes.

 

He took the precious book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"

 

"Not really," said the cow. "Your name is written inside the cover."  

[knowledge-Spammer]

 

[tao]

Unfortunately, this is not a joke; it has serious consequences.  

 

(But, it's understandable your posting it here.  )

Edited July 7, 2017 by adi

[tao]

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office.

 

"What's your name?" he asked the new guy.

 

"John," the new guy replied.

 

The manager scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only ... Smith, Jones, Baker ... That's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

 

The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

 

"Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . "

Edited July 7, 2017 by adi

[tao]

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news: "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.

She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked: "Will I be acquitted?"

[tao]

Stalin is giving a long speech at an event, naturally in front of a huge audience. While he's in full flow, somebody near the front of the hall sneezes. Stalin stops and surveys the crowd.

"Who sneezed?" he asks.

Deathly silence.

"I repeat," says Stalin, "who sneezed?"

Not a peep.

"Very well," says Stalin. "First row, stand up!" Everyone in the first row stands up. "Guards! Open fire!"

A few seconds later, the entire first row of the audience is lying in bloody heaps on the ground.

"Now, who sneezed?" Still not a whimper. "Second row, stand up! Guards! Open fire!" The second row writhes and breathes its last.

"Now, comrades: who sneezed?" Absolute silence. "Third row! Stand up! Guards! Op...."

"Wait! Wait!" From the sixth row a man rises, shaking so hard with fear that he can barely stay on his legs. "Please! Comrade Stalin! It was me. I sneezed."

Stalin fixes his eye on the wretch. The entire audience watches, paralysed.

"You sneezed?"

"Yes, Comrade Stalin, yes. It was me."

"Bless you, comrade!"

[tao]

A man goes to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.'

The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?'

The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.'

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?'

The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?'

The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.'

 

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, 'Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?'

The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, 'Take the poison.'

[tao]

A man was walking along a beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up, rubbed it and out popped a genie.

The genie said, "You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick.

"Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete! How much steel! You're going to have to think of another wish."

The man agreed, and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment. I want to figure out why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing', and know how to make them truly happy."

The genie paused for a while and said, "How many lanes do you want on that bridge?"

[tao]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

‘Careful,’ he said, ‘CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!’

The wife stared at him. ‘What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?’

The husband calmly replied, ‘I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.‘

[tao]

A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed.

 

He asked her where she was going and she replied "I'm going to Las Vegas."

He questioned her as to why she was going and she told him "I just found out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I give you for free".

 

He pondered that then went into the house and packed his bags and returned to the porch and with his wife. She said "And just where do you think you're going?"

"I'm going too!" he replied.

"Why?" She asked.

"I want to see how you are going to live on $800.00 a year"!

[tao]

The secret to a long marriage is that we take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing.

 

She goes on Tuesdays. I go on Fridays.

[rudrax]

 

[Akaneharuka]

 

 

[tao]

A young couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word.

 

An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.

 

As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Are they relatives of yours?"

 

"Yes," his wife replied. "I married into the family."

Edited July 14, 2017 by adi

[tao]

A small town prosecuting barrister called his first witness to the stand in a trial - a attractive middle aged lady. He approached her and asked, "Ms. Jones, do you know me?"

 

She responded, "I do know you Mr. Leigh. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

 

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

 

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Knowles since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

 

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both barristers to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"

Edited July 14, 2017 by adi

[tao]

A woman taking golf lessons had just started her first round when she was stung by a bee.

 

Distraught, she went back into the clubhouse and told her golf teacher about the incident.

 

"Where did it sting you?" he asked.

 

"Between the first and second hole," she replied.

 

He shook his head and said: "That’s your problem right there. You had your feet too far apart!"