[JOTD] Joke of the day

[bobsyboy]

An I.Q. Too High To Buy

A scientist tells a pharmacist, “Give me some prepared tablets of acetylsalicylic acid.”

“Do you mean aspirin?” asks the pharmacist.

The scientist slaps his forehead. “That’s it!” he says. “I can never 
remember the name.”

[dac]

[JeffDunhill]

I told my dad to embrace his mistakes

 

He gave me a hug

[JeffDunhill]

Long time nothing new
 

Hey baby are you a Communist?

Because i can feel an uprising in my lower class.

[Timeover]

Okay I'll help too

 

Why can't dyslexics tell jokes?

They always punch up the fuckline.

[JeffDunhill]

Give it to me, I'm so wet give it to me!

 

She could scream all she wanted but the umbrella was mine.

[bobsyboy]

Entrance to Heaven

Three men die on Christmas Eve and go to heaven, where they’re met by Saint Peter. “In order to get in,” he tells them, “you must each produce something representative of the holidays.”

The first man digs into his pockets and pulls out a match and lights it. “This represents a candle of hope.” Impressed, Peter lets him in.

The second man pulls out a tangle of keys and shakes them. “These are bells.” He’s allowed in too.

“So,” Peter says to the third man, “what do you have?”

The third man proudly shows him a pair of red panties.

“What do these have to do with Christmas?” asks Peter.

“They’re Carol’s.”

[bobsyboy]

A Failure to Communicate

A father shows up at his daughter’s home and finds his son-in-law angrily packing his bags.

“What’s wrong?” he asks.

“I texted my wife that I was coming home today from my golfing trip. And what did I find when I walked through the door? Her making out with Joe Murphy! I’m leaving!”

“Now, calm down,” says his 
father-in-law. “There must be a 
simple explanation. I’ll find out what happened.” Moments later, he reappears. “I told you there was a simple explanation, and there is,” he says. “She never got your text.”

[JeffDunhill]

Long time, so...

 

A hot naked woman robbed a bank

 

Nobody could remember her face

[eyezonly]

Back in January, a group of HELL’S ANGELS, South Carolina bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.


George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked, "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . . why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . . and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

 

 

 

Edited March 13, 2017 by eyezonly

[eyezonly]

Male logic... flawless


This a conversation between a man and his wife. Please note that she asks five or six questions which he answered quite simply,

but then she is speechless after answering only one question. l bet this happens more often than not to most husbands out there:

Woman: Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes

Woman: How many beers a day?

Man: Usually about three

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip (this is where it gets scary!)

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: About 20 years, I suppose

Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have three beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately

$5400 correct?

Man: Correct

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000 correct?

Man: Correct

Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account

and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought an airplane?


Man: Do you drink beer?

Woman: No.

Man: Where is your airplane?

[eyezonly]

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. 

3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest..

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. 

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. 

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. 

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from California would be stupid enough to try to pass them. 

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it. 

11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first. 

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer. 

13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries. 

14 . God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark. 

15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

[eyezonly]

* Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?

* Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

* I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

* If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

* I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

* When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

* A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.

* Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

* America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

* You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.

* Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

* My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

* I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

* Strong people don't put others down. They lift them up and slam them on the ground for maximum damage.

* Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye.

* You're not fat, you're just.... easier to see.

* If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

[Akaneharuka]

 

 

 

[vitorio]

On March 14, 2017 at 5:07 AM, eyezonly said:

Male logic... flawless


This a conversation between a man and his wife. Please note that she asks five or six questions which he answered quite simply,

but then she is speechless after answering only one question. l bet this happens more often than not to most husbands out there:

Woman: Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes

Woman: How many beers a day?

Man: Usually about three

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip (this is where it gets scary!)

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: About 20 years, I suppose

Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have three beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately

$5400 correct?

Man: Correct

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000 correct?

Man: Correct

Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account

and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought an airplane?


Man: Do you drink beer?

Woman: No.

Man: Where is your airplane?

Touché!!!

[Agent 86]

A man gets his fiance' name, "Wendy" tattooed on his penis....

 

So when he's hard it says "Wendy," but when it's soft it just says, "W Y."

So they get married and go to Jamaica on their honeymoon.

They are on a nude beach and get thirsty so the man goes to the snack bar to get something to drink.

He's standing at the snack bar and notices a big tall Jamaican guy next to him has "W Y" tattooed on his penis.

The newlywed says, "Excuse me, but I noticed you have "W Y" on your penis.

The Jamaican replies, "Ya mon. I see you have it too.. Tell me mon, what does yours say when it's hard?"

The man says proudly, "When mine's hard, it says 'Wendy'. What does yours say?"

The jamaican says, "Ah Mon, when mine is hard it says 'Welcome to the island of Jamaica, Have a nice day!"  

Edited April 1, 2017 by Agent 86

[NorthEastKnight]

• Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
• Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
• "Doc, I can't stop singing "The green green grass of home"." "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."
• A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
• A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"
• Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start"
• "Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's." "Well you can't say fairer than that then"
• Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!
• What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
• So I went to the dentist. He said "Say "Aaah"." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"
• A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."
• Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first says, "Yes, I'm positive..."
• So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said "Who's speaking please?" And a voice said "You are."
• So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said "Is that the local swimming baths?" He said "It depends where you're calling from."
• So I rang up a local building firm, I said "I wanna skip outside my house." He said "I'm not stopping you."
• Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
• So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said "You've been promoted." And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again." And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said "You're managing director." And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said "What happened to you?" And I said "I careered off the road."
• Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me "Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'
• So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."
• Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bastard!"
• Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"
• Two prostitutes standing on a street corner. One says to the other, "Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" The other replies, "No, but I've been swung around by the tits!"
• Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
• A man gets on a train and sits next to a young woman reading a book called 'Sex Statistics'. "Any good?", he asks. "Fascinating - American Indians have the widest pricks, and Polishmen the longest. By the way, I'm Jane." "Hi," he says. "I'm Tonto Palawlaski."
• You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.
• Tommy Cooper was in a taxi and when he got to the end of his journey and paid his fare, the cabby sat there waiting for his tip. Tommy gave him a tea bag and said, "Have a drink on me."
• A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said "I haven't seen you in a long time." The man replied "I know, I've been ill"
• A man walked into the doctor's, he said "I've hurt my arm in several places." The doctor said "Well don't go there any more."
• I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.
• You know those mange-tout? They're really nice, but I couldn't eat a whole one.
• My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed?
• I was driving down the motorway with my bird the other day when we both got a bit frisky and decided to do something about it. So we decided we'd take the next exit, but it was a turn-off.
• I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
• I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
• I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, "No, the steaks are too high."

[vitorio]

On April 1, 2017 at 2:50 PM, Agent 86 said:

A man gets his fiance' name, "Wendy" tattooed on his penis....

 

So when he's hard it says "Wendy," but when it's soft it just says, "W Y."

So they get married and go to Jamaica on their honeymoon.

They are on a nude beach and get thirsty so the man goes to the snack bar to get something to drink.

He's standing at the snack bar and notices a big tall Jamaican guy next to him has "W Y" tattooed on his penis.

The newlywed says, "Excuse me, but I noticed you have "W Y" on your penis.

The Jamaican replies, "Ya mon. I see you have it too.. Tell me mon, what does yours say when it's hard?"

The man says proudly, "When mine's hard, it says 'Wendy'. What does yours say?"

The jamaican says, "Ah Mon, when mine is hard it says 'Welcome to the island of Jamaica, Have a nice day!"  

He asked for it!!!?

[Atasas]

De- En

Rindfleisch-etikettierungs-überwachungs-aufgaben-übertragungs-gesetz 

: 'Beef labeling regulation and delegation of supervision law.' 

[Agent 86]

16 minutes ago, Atasas said:

 

De- En

Rindfleisch-etikettierungs-überwachungs-aufgaben-übertragungs-gesetz 

: 'Beef labeling regulation and delegation of supervision law.' 

 

sorry dude, think something got lost (literally) in the translation!  

[Atasas]

Just now, Agent 86 said:

 

sorry dude, think something got lost (literally) in the translation!  

 

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-22762040

 

Hang on, there's few more "easy one's" 

 

http://theweek.com/articles/463500/8-favorite-ridiculously-long-german-words

Quote

The term rindfleischetikettierungsüberwachungsaufgabenübertragungsgesetz — that's 63 letters long for those of you keeping track at home — means "the law for the delegation of monitoring beef labeling." A regional parliament recently repealed the legislative measure, which was established in 1999, rendering the word obsolete. Because the mouthful of a word is legal jargon, it remained outside the Duden German dictionary during its existence and it is unlikely the average German ever encountered it. (For those curious how in the world you might pronounce the word, check out this recording.)

Compound words exist in many languages, but German's grammar construction in particular lends itself to easily tacking on parts to make single words stretch across a page. As a result, the language is rife with lanky terms. As Mark Twain put it, "Some German words are so long that they have perspective."

What follows are 10 of our favorite seemingly-never-ending German words, which earn a spot on our list thanks to characteristics like technicality, definition, adaptation, or sheer perseverance in length. And to think we English language speakers consider it a feat to verbalize "antidisestablishmentarianism" without stumbling.

1. Lebensabschnittpartner
As David Sedaris noted in his New Yorker article about learning German, this word is most astutely described as another option for "partner" or "lover," but with a more transient twist: "the person I am with today." A more elegant, proper version of the term is lebensabschnittgefährte.

2. Unabhaengigkeitserklaerungen
Twain's frustrations with learning German are well documented in his book A Tramp Abroad. This term he notes as meaning "independencedeclarations" (sic), which is perhaps a parchment-saving way our own Declaration of Independence could have been titled.

3. Freundschaftsbezeugung
Here's one that even an English speaker might be able to break down, beginning with "freund," which means "friend." Twain also took umbrage at this "clumsy" term despite its sunny meaning: "demonstrations of friendship."

4. Rechtsschutzversicherungsgesellschaften
The Guinness Book of World Records recognizes this cumbersome word as the longest German word in everyday use. It means "insurance companies providing legal protection."

5. Kaftfahrzeug-Haftpflichtversicherung
Those getting started in insurance must have to practice their pronunciations outside the office, because the longest word listed in the Duden German dictionary also belongs to the industry. It means "motor vehicle liability insurance."

6. Donaudampfschiffahrtsgesellschaftskapitän
This word continues the theme of transportation, and is four words pieced neatly together to say "Danube steamship company captain," which it seems we cannot handle all at once in English.

7. Siebentausendzweihundertvierundfünfzig
In German, numbers also receive the compound word treatment. This is the integer 7,254, which takes 38 letters to spell out.

8. Bezirksschornsteinfegermeister
Leave it to bureaucracy to produce even more clunky words. This one, which could take its place in a Mary Poppins song much like "supercalifragilisticexpialidocious," equates to "head district chimney sweep."

 

 

[Atasas]

Don't Fa4t in a Apple Store 

....

... Because they don't have Windows 

[clubhouse]

Why was the Pepsi employee fired?

 

 

 

He tested positive for coke.

 

 

What did the zero say to the eight?

 

 

Nice belt.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Agent 86]

A blind man walked into a bar.......

and a table

and a chair

and a waitress!  

[clubhouse]

I asked my mom if I was adopted

She said, "of course not, why would we choose you?"

 

 

What happened when the chef died?

 

 

He pasta-way