vitorio Posted May 10 Share Posted May 10 On 1/13/2024 at 11:35 AM, aum said: For birthday husband bought wife a bath scale, as a joke. For his birthday, she bought him a ruler. touché aum, Karlston and funkyy 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted May 10 Share Posted May 10 Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother was putting cold cream on her face. "Why are you rubbing that cream on you face, mommy?" he asked. "To stay pretty for daddy," said his mother. A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter mommy?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?" ducky88, Adenman, funkyy and 1 other 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted May 10 Share Posted May 10 sandman117, funkyy and ducky88 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted May 11 Share Posted May 11 funkyy, ducky88 and aum 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted May 12 Share Posted May 12 It was different when we were kids. In second grade, a teacher came in and gave us all a lecture about not smoking, and then they sent us over to arts and crafts... To make ashtrays for Mother's Day. ducky88, danielson, Adenman and 1 other 2 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted May 12 Share Posted May 12 A guy from the New York City was cruising at high speed down a Georgia back road he crested a hill and hit 2 hitchhiking hippies. One flew 50 feet off the road and into a field, the other smashed through the windshield ending up in the back seat. The sheriff showed up and the very nervous New York City guy asked the sheriff what the charges might be. After the sheriff surveyed the scene and noted the two were long haired hippies he turned to the NYC guy and said, “well we’ll charge the first one with leaving the scene of an accident and the second one with breaking and entering. Adenman 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted May 12 Share Posted May 12 I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper. 'This is the 21st century,' she said. 'We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad.' I can tell you this: That fly never knew what hit him! Adenman, ducky88, funkyy and 1 other 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted May 12 Share Posted May 12 Boss: Experts say that humor on the job relieves tension in this time of downsizing. Knock, knock. Employee: Who's there? Boss: Not you anymore. Adenman 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted May 12 Share Posted May 12 One day, Marie sent her little boy Johnny down to the pond to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in the water, he saw two big eyes looking back at him from the water. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it back to the kitchen. “Now, where’s my bucket and my water?” Marie asked him. “I can’t get any water from that pond, Momma” cried Johnny. “There’s a BIG ol’ alligator down dere!” “Now don’t you mind that ol’ alligator, johnny. He’s been there for a few years now, and he ain’t never hurt nobody. Cher, he’s probably as scared of you as you are of him!” “Well, Momma,” replied Johnny,” if he’s as scared of me as I am of him, then dat water ain’t fit to drink!” funkyy and Adenman 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted May 12 Share Posted May 12 I grilled a chicken for two hours. It still wouldn't tell me why it crossed the road. Karlston, Adenman and ducky88 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted May 12 Share Posted May 12 funkyy and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted May 13 Share Posted May 13 ducky88 and funkyy 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dce3480 Posted May 14 Share Posted May 14 Karlston and lurch234 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted May 14 Share Posted May 14 sandman117 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted May 15 Share Posted May 15 funkyy and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted May 16 Share Posted May 16 ducky88 and funkyy 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted May 17 Share Posted May 17 And even worse... only 25% in the top quartile Spoiler Quartiles are 25% ("Quart" means a quarter, ie 25%) funkyy, sandman117 and ducky88 1 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lurch234 Posted May 18 Share Posted May 18 ducky88, Karlston, TrojanK and 2 others 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ducky88 Posted May 18 Share Posted May 18 A husband went to the police station to file a "missing person" report for his missing wife. Husband: I lost my wife, she went shopping & hasn't come back yet. Inspector: What is her height ? Husband: I never checked. Inspector: Slim or healthy ? Husband: Not slim can be healthy. Inspector: Color of eyes ? Husband: Never noticed. Inspector: Color of hair ? Husband: Changes according to season. Inspector: What was she wearing ? Husband : Not sure whether it was a dress or a suit. Inspector: Was she driving ? Husband: yes. Inspector: tell me the number, name & color of the car ? Husband: black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode and it has full LED headlights which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door, and then the husband started crying Inspector: Don't worry sir, we'll find your car. TrojanK, lurch234, funkyy and 3 others 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted May 18 Share Posted May 18 lurch234, funkyy, ducky88 and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted May 20 Share Posted May 20 funkyy and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
malan Posted May 20 Share Posted May 20 (edited) Edited May 20 by malan funkyy, Karlston and ducky88 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
malan Posted May 20 Share Posted May 20 ducky88, funkyy, Karlston and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
malan Posted May 20 Share Posted May 20 Karlston and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lurch234 Posted May 20 Share Posted May 20 A young man was taking a shortcut thru a cemetery and happened to walk by Beethoven's grave. In doing so he suddenly hears Beethoven's Fifth but played backwards. He runs to the grounds keeper to tell him. Not believing a word and wishing to be left alone the grounds keeper agrees to go have a look. Upon arriving they distinctly hear Beethoven's sixth symphony again played backwards. "What do you make of that!?" asks the young man. The grounds keeper ponders this a few seconds and replies: "Well, when he was alive Beethoven composed. Now, he's just decomposing..." Karlston 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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