[JOTD] Joke of the day

[ducky88]

How times have changed
my neighbor has an old horse drawn wagon in his front yard
council says it is art
I have an old car up on bricks
council says it is junk!

[aum]

John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

 

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

 

"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."

 

"He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him."

 

"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."

 

"Well, screw him!" said John.

 

"I did. You're back at work on Monday.

 

[aum]

A very drunk gent checked into a hotel late one Saturday night. He awoke very ill and summoned a bellboy to fetch him a bottle of whiskey and a Sunday newspaper. The bellhop was gone a long time.

When he returned, the drunk remarked, "It must be hard to buy a bottle in this town on Sunday."

"There was no trouble with the whiskey," replied the bellboy, "but it's tough finding a Sunday paper on Tuesday."

 

[aum]

Little James is at a horse auction with his father.

 

He watches as his father moves from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs, backside.

 

After a few minutes, little James asks, “Dad, why are you doing that?”

 

Nodding, his father replies, “Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I make a decision.”

 

Little James looks worried.

 

Finally, he says, “Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.”

 

[Karlston]

[lurch234]

Doctor to patient: "I have some good news and some bad news."

 

"But don't worry" he goes on " I'll tell your wife the good news..."

[lurch234]

One fine morning Paddy had had enough of all the misery in his neighborhood and declared war on Poverty.

 

But he was soon arrested after blowing up a few homeless shelters...

[aum]

A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.

He asks, “What was that for?”

She says, “I found a piece of paper in your pocket with Betty has written on it.”

He says, “Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? Betty was the name of the horse I went there to bet on.”

She shrugs and walks away.

 

Three days later he is reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan.

He asks, “What was that for?”

 

She answers, “Your horse called.”

[lurch234]

Went to a redneck wedding in the US southern states.

 

The father of the bride and groom gave such a beautiful speech...

[Karlston]

[Karlston]

[aum]

Teacher: If you multiplied 50 by 8 and then divided by 4, what would you get?

Student: The wrong answer.

 

[aum]

St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.

 

"Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches."

 

"I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed. "We've got all the umpires."

 

[aum]

An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted.

She told the artist, “Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and a gold Rolex.”

“But you are not wearing any of those things,” replied the artist.

“I know,” she said.

 

“It’s in case I should die before my husband. I’m sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry.

 

[aum]

Bob, a 65-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful 25 year-old lady.

She proceeds to knock everyone’s socks off with her youthful appeal and charm.

She also hangs on Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all aghast.

They corner him and ask. “Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?”

Bob replies. “Girlfriend? She’s my wife!”

They’re knocked over, but continue to ask, “So, how’d you persuade her to marry you?”

Bob says. “I lied about my age.”

His friends responded, “What, did you tell her you were only 50?”

 

Bob smiles and says, “No, I told her I was 90.”

 

[Karlston]

[Karlston]

[Karlston]

[Karlston]

[Dce3480]

[lurch234]

Two idiots were stuck in the middle of the desert. Making their way along they come upon the wreck of a car.

One of the idiots picks up a car door and keeps walking.

"Why are you carrying a car door?" asks the other idiot.

"Well, if it gets too hot I'll just pull the window down..."

[Karlston]

[lurch234]

Two idiots charter a seaplane to go fishing on a lake in a very remote area.

Upon arriving the pilot looks at the lake and refuses to land on the grounds it's not long enough.

The idiots start arguing that "Bob" their last year pilot had no problems with it.

Making another pass the pilot still refuses to land.

But the idiots double down and keep telling the pilot that "Bob" did it.

So, out of frustration and saying to himself he could do better than "Bob", he starts to make a landing and of course the lake wasn't long enough.

Picking themselves up from the crash in the trees the two idiots look at themselves and say "Just like Bob last year!!"

Edited January 28 by lurch234

[aum]

If any of you here are thinking of getting married, consider the following before you do.
On one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.

On the other hand, you don’t.

 

[aum]

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it.

This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.

Later, about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with bunch of perfume bottles on it...all of them hit the floor and broke.

Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer, and honest mister, all I did was tell her!"