ducky88 Posted November 24, 2022 Share Posted November 24, 2022 A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??" "No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??" "But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing." pc71520, aum, funkyy and 1 other 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted November 24, 2022 Share Posted November 24, 2022 A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door. Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!" Karlston and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted November 24, 2022 Share Posted November 24, 2022 Two psychiatrists were walking down a hall. One turned to the other and said, "Hello." The other one thought, "I wonder what he meant by that." Karlston, pc71520, funkyy and 1 other 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pc71520 Posted November 24, 2022 Share Posted November 24, 2022 ducky88, Karlston, aum and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted November 24, 2022 Share Posted November 24, 2022 ducky88, funkyy, TrojanK and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted November 25, 2022 Share Posted November 25, 2022 ( Not me, that's my twin brother Dilbert. You can only tell us apart by the colour of our polo shirts. ) ducky88, pc71520, aum and 1 other 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ducky88 Posted November 25, 2022 Share Posted November 25, 2022 A pessimist sees a dark tunnel An optimist sees light at the end of the tunnel A realist sees a freight train The train driver sees three idiots standing on the tracks TrojanK, Karlston, aum and 3 others 2 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pc71520 Posted November 25, 2022 Share Posted November 25, 2022 Some people eat Snails. Really, they must not like Fast food... Karlston and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted November 25, 2022 Share Posted November 25, 2022 A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business. when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breastfeed her baby. The baby wouldn’t take it so she said, “Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I’ll have to give it to this nice man next to us.” Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, “Come on, honey. Take it or I’ll give it to this nice man here.” A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out: Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!” Karlston, Lexionline, funkyy and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted November 25, 2022 Share Posted November 25, 2022 Lexionline, funkyy, aum and 1 other 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted November 25, 2022 Share Posted November 25, 2022 WELCOME TO THE 21ST CENTURY The "LESS" Century *Our Phones ~ Wireless *Cooking ~ Fireless *Cars ~ Keyless *Food ~ Fatless *Tires ~ Tubeless *Dress ~ Sleeveless *Youth ~ Jobless *Leaders ~ Shameless *Relationships ~ Meaningless *Attitude~ Careless *Wives ~ Fearless *Babies ~ Fatherless *Feelings ~ Heartless *Education ~ Valueless *Children ~ Mannerless *Politicians ~ Gutless Everything is becoming LESS BUT still our hopes are ~ ENDLESS. All this, quite frankly, leaves me ~ Speechless! Karlston, ducky88 and funkyy 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pc71520 Posted November 26, 2022 Share Posted November 26, 2022 (edited) What does Air-Conditions have in common with Computers? They both lose efficiency as soon as you open Windows. Edited November 26, 2022 by pc71520 aum, Karlston, ducky88 and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted November 26, 2022 Share Posted November 26, 2022 Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings... One by one... As each relative goes home. Karlston, pc71520 and ducky88 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted November 26, 2022 Share Posted November 26, 2022 If anyone has no family and will be alone on thanksgiving please let me know ... I really need to borrow some chairs from you. funkyy, ducky88, Karlston and 1 other 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted November 26, 2022 Share Posted November 26, 2022 Thanksgiving: The day in 1621 when Native Americans shared a meal with undocumented immigrants who never left. funkyy, Karlston, pc71520 and 1 other 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted November 26, 2022 Share Posted November 26, 2022 funkyy, aum, ducky88 and 2 others 1 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted November 26, 2022 Share Posted November 26, 2022 3 hours ago, aum said: Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings... One by one... As each relative goes home. Hospitality is making your guests feel like they're at home, while wishing they were. ducky88, pc71520 and aum 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted November 27, 2022 Share Posted November 27, 2022 An investment counselor went out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, so she began interviewing young lawyers. "As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an *honest* lawyer?" "Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case." "Impressive. And what sort of case was that?" The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money." Karlston, ducky88 and funkyy 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted November 27, 2022 Share Posted November 27, 2022 Inside me there's a thin person struggling to get out. Good news is I can usually sedate him with three or four cupcakes. funkyy, Karlston and ducky88 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted November 27, 2022 Share Posted November 27, 2022 Calm down, McDonald's! ducky88, aum and funkyy 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted November 27, 2022 Share Posted November 27, 2022 Gotta love the practicality. (Hilarious, genius solution by busy grocery worker on Thanksgiving a.m.) TrojanK, funkyy, aum and 1 other 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ducky88 Posted November 28, 2022 Share Posted November 28, 2022 Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call. Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, let's get out and get him." After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?" The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself" aum and Karlston 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted November 28, 2022 Share Posted November 28, 2022 When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?" Mom smiled and then replied, "I remember." ducky88 and Karlston 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted November 28, 2022 Share Posted November 28, 2022 Karlston 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted November 28, 2022 Share Posted November 28, 2022 ducky88 and Karlston 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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