[JOTD] Joke of the day

[ducky88]

Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 16th time now.

[aum]

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

 

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

 

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."   

 

[ducky88]

A young woman walks into a prestige car sales room. Looks around at all the Porsches, Lamborghini's, Jags etc., and says to the salesman.
"Can I have the red one?" - a top of the range Porsche.
"I'll pay cash!" and starts taking handfuls of cash out of a carrier bag until she gets to the right price.
The deal is finalized very quickly and the girl drives it away.
She is back 2 days later, "I want my money back... it smell awfully bad when I use the brakes," she states emphatically.
Not wanting to lose the sale (having taken cash and fiddled the books) the manager decides to ride in the car with her... in case she is not driving it properly.
He gets in and she roars out of the dealership, drops it into second gear at 55 mph, floors the pedal again and slips into 3rd at 80mph does a handbrake turn into a country lane and then really starts to accelerate.
120mph into 4th gear; 5th at 145mph. The engine is screaming, trying to leap out of the bonnet when it reaches 170mph. The scenery is a green blur the G-force has him pinned in the seat. In the distance, to his relief, the barriers of a level crossing are beginning to come down and she will have to slow down (he thinks!) instead the pitch of the engine increases.
100 yards from the crossing she slams on the brakes and the car stops inches from the barrier.
"Can you smell it?" she says.

"SMELL IT? I'M SITTING IN IT!"

[Karlston]

A police officer just knocked on my door, saying he was looking for a burglar with one eye.

 

I told him he'd have better luck if he used both eyes.

[aum]

You know that you're a really boring person when someone steals your identity and then tries to give it back.

 

[aum]

A guy goes to the gates of heaven where he meets St. Peter. St. Peter says to him "God has looked at your book of life and you are welcome in heaven under one condition"

The man say "What's that?"

St. Peter says "You must spell the word 'Love'." So he does and he is let in to heaven.

 

As he gets in, St. Peter's beeper goes off. He tells the man to watch the gate until he returns, and reminds him that he must ask whoever comes to spell the word.

 

Next thing you know, his wife show up at the gate and he asks her what she is doing there?

She says that on the way home from the funeral, there was an accident and she died.

The husband says alright, but you do have to spell one word first before you come in to heaven.

She asks "What's that?"

He says "Spell Czechoslovakia"

[aum]

Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying "DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!" posted on the glass door.

 

Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.

He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"

"Yep, that's him," he replied.

The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"

 

"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."

[Karlston]

After his son's first day of high school:

 

Dad: "So, what's your favourite subject so far?"

 

Son: "Well... geology rocks... but geography is where it's at"

[ducky88]

A guy walks into a bar looking real down in the dumps. The bartender notices this and asks the guy what is wrong.
"My wife told me if I ever come home drunk again, she was going to divorce me."
The bartender tells the guy he has nothing to worry about, it was probably just a threat.
The guy agrees with the bartender and proceeds to get drunk.
After more shots of rum and tequila than he can count, the man is sitting with his face down at the bar and pukes all over his shirt. after realizing what he had done, the man starts to panic. "What am I going to do? My wife is going to kick me out of the house and take everything I've got." The bartender calms him down and tells him to stick a $20 bill in his shirt pocket and tell his wife it was some other drunk who puked all over him and he gave him the twenty to cover the shirt.
After a couple cups of coffee the guy drives home to find his wife packing her bags.
He starts to explain what happened to his shirt and he pulls out two $20 bills to show his wife.
Wondering why the man gave her husband $40, the wife asks,
"What's the other $20 bill for?"
the husband replies, "he s**t in my pants too."

[aum]

Brother John entered the "Monastery of Silence" and the Abbott said, "Brother, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you wish, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."

Brother John lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Abbott said to him: "Brother John, you have been here 5 years now. You may speak two words."

Brother John said, "Hard Bed."

"I'm sorry to hear that," the Abbott said. "We will get you a better bed."

After another 5 years, Brother John was called by the Abbott. "
You may say another two words, Brother John."
"Cold Food," said Brother John, and the Abbott assured him that the food would be better in the future.

On his 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Abbott again called Brother John into his office. "Two words you may say today."
"I Quit," said Brother John.

"It is probably best," said the Abbott. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

 

[aum]

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon-load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."

 

"Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted.

"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."

 

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"

 

"Under the wagon."

 

[aum]

A man awoke one evening to discover prowlers in his storage shed. He immediately called 911, gave his address, to report the prowlers and possible burglary.

 

The operator at the other end said "Are they in your house?"

He said they were not, only in his storage shed in back of the house.

The operator said there were no cars available at that time.

 

He thanked the operator, hung up the phone and counted to 30 and called again.

"I just called you about prowlers in my storage shed.

Well you do not have to worry, as I just shot them all dead!"

 

Within seconds there were 3 police cars, an ambulance and fire engine at the scene.

After capturing the prowlers red-handed, the policeman asked the caller, "I thought you said you had shot them all!"

 

The man answered, "I thought you said there were no police available!"

 

[Karlston]

Yesterday I was at my local Woolies grocery store buying a large bag of Purina dog food for my loyal pet, Brista, and was in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

 

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 20 kilograms before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

 

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.

 

The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

 

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a German Shepherd's backside and a car hit us both.

 

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.. Woolies won't let me shop there anymore.

[ducky88]

Mr. Dickson, the science teacher, asked his 4th graders one day if anyone knew how to put 2 holes into 1 hole.
Since no one was able to answer the question, he told the kids to go home and ask their fathers.They came back the next day and still no one knew the answer.
"Look," said Mr. Dickson while holding his index finger against his thumb, forming a little "zero."
"This is one hole, my nose has 2 holes, and I can put my hand over my nose and make my nose holes appear inside this other hole.""Aaaaaaahhhhhh," said the children.
The next day, Little Johnny stood up and said, "Mr. Dickson,my daddy wants to know if you know how to put 7 holes in 1 hole. "Hmmmm," he thought,
"How can you put 7 holes in 1? Well, I'll be darned; I don't know how to do that. Um, did your father tell you how to?"
Yes," said Little Johnny, "You take a flute and shove it up your arse!"

[aum]

An Englishman and an Irishman go to a bakery.

The Englishman steals three buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves.

He says to the Irishman: “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn’t even see me.”

“That’s just simple thievery,” the Irishman replied. “I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”

 

The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says: “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.”

The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick.

The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it.

He asked two more times and after eating them again the owner says: “Okay my friend, where’s the magic trick?”

The Irishman then said: “Look in the Englishman’s pockets.”

[Archimede]

20 hours ago, Karlston said:

Yesterday I was at my local Woolies grocery store buying a large bag of Purina dog food for my loyal pet, Brista, and was in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

 

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 20 kilograms before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

 

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.

 

The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

 

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a German Shepherd's backside and a car hit us both.

 

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.. Woolies won't let me shop there anymore.

Absolutely priceless Karlston :D :D :D

[Karlston]

I was teaching my son how to carve an elephant.

 

"You hit the block with the chisel. Leave anything that looks like an elephant. Everything else is irrelephant. "

[Karlston]

[ducky88]

A guy asks his neighbor on the landing of his tenement building: “Mr Smith, you live directly above me and you have the same 2-room flat as I do.
How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy when you moved in?
“We got 18 rolls,” answers the neighbor.
Two weeks later the guy meets his neighbor again and says,
“It’s really funny – I put the wallpaper on everywhere and I still had 10 rolls left over.”

Neighbor smiles, “Yeah, so did I !!"

[aum]

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could barely see over the dashboard.

 

As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.

 

She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"

 

[ducky88]

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack!
"Help me, dear," she groans to her husband.
The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.
His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.
"I'm dying here and you're putting?"
"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you.
"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.

"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."

[Karlston]

[aum]

An opera singer said she could teach me how to hit high C.

I said, “No thanks. I’ve heard that pitch.”

 

[aum]

A plumber was called to a woman's apartment in New York to repair a leaking pipe. When he arrived he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite a luscious, well-stacked babe, and during the course of the afternoon the two became extremely friendly.

 

About 5.30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing the bedroom shenanigans. "That was my husband," she said, "He's on his way home, but he's going back to the office around 8. Come back then, dear, and we can take up where we left off."

 

The union plumber looked at the woman in disbelief. "What? On my own time??"

 

[aum]

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, “Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?”

His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.

Oh, no,” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team.”

 

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, “How did she know that you drink Budweiser?”

“She’s in the Ladies’ Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.”

 

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says “Hi Davey. Want your usual lap dance, big boy?”

Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

 

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

 

The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.”