[JOTD] Joke of the day

[Karlston]

The wife and I went to a new restaurant that serves the meat of exotic animals and birds.

 

We both ordered pelican.

 

It was absolutely fantastic... but the bill was enormous.

[aum]

A guy bought a new fridge for his house.

 

To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying, “Free to good home — you want it you take it.”

 

For three days, the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it.

 

He eventually decided that people were rather skeptical about such a good deal, so he changed the sign to read, “Fridge for sale, $50.”

 

The next day, someone stole it.

 

[ducky88]

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded rural area of the state he lived in.
After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon.
He noticed a film -- like substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather...."are these plates clean?"
His grandfather replied, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal".
That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate, and a substance that
looked like dried egg yokes..... so he ask again, "Are you sure these plates are clean"?
Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says, "I told you before; those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them! Now don't ask me about it anymore!"
Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby town. As he was leaving, his
grandfather's dog started to growl and wouldn't let him pass so he said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me out."
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV his grandfather shouted, "COLDWATER, Go lay down!"

[Karlston]

[ducky88]

A Farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Is your Dad or Mom home" ..??, said the Farmer.
"Nope, they went to Town."
"How about your brother, Howard..??? Is he here"..???
"No, he went with Mom and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
The little boy says to to farmer.
"I know where all the Tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."
"Well," said the Farmer uncomfortably,
"I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my f**kin' daughter Suzy pregnant."
The young boy thought for a moment...
"You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the Bull, $50 for the Boar Pig, $20 for the Ram

but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

[aum]

The dentist pulls out a Novocain needle to give the man a shot, so he can extract the man's tooth.

'No way! No needles. I hate needles' the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects I can't do the gas thing.

The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!

 

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill. 'No objection,' the patient says. 'I'm fine with pills.'
The dentist then returns and says, Here's a Viagra tablet.'

The patient says, 'Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!'

It doesn't' said the dentist, 'but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth.
 

[aum]

A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down, waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So, she thought to herself, "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me."

She went over to the machine and put her nickel in and out came a card that said, "You're a nun. You weigh 128 lbs., and you are going to Chicago, Illinois."

She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, but decided to try it again. She put her nickel in, and out came a card that read, "You're a nun. You weigh 128 lbs. You're going to Chicago, Illinois, and you are going to play a fiddle."

The nun said to herself, "I know that's wrong. I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life." She sat back down. From out of nowhere, a cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down next to her. The nun picked up the fiddle and started playing beautiful music.

Startled, she look back at the machine and said, "This is incredible! I've got to try it again!

Back to the machine she went, put her nickel in, and another card came out. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you're going to Chicago, Illinois, and you're going to break wind."

Now, the nun knew the machine was wrong. "I've never broken wind in public in my whole life!" Just then, she tripped, fell off the scales and broke wind.

Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, "This is truly unbelievable! I've got to try it one more time."

She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and collected the card. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago!!!"

[ducky88]

Daughter to Dad TEXTING
Daddy, I am coming home to get married, soon. Get out your check book. LOL
I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me. I am in Australia, and he lives in Scotland.

We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on WhatsApp,

he proposed to me on Skype, and now we've had two months of relationship through Viber.
My beloved and favorite Dad, I need your blessing, good wishes, and a really big wedding."
Lots of love and thanks, Your favorite daughter,

Dad's reply ....also texting
My Dear Lilly: Like Wow! Really? Cool!
Whatever....., I suggest you two get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon, and pay for it all through PayPal.
And when you get fed up with this new husband, sell him on eBay.

[aum]

A beautiful, sexy, good-looking lady was sitting next to a guy in a plane.

The lady said to him, "Can you help me remove something from my breast please?"

The exciting young man replied, "Wow! It will be my pleasure. So what is it?"

"Your Eyes, idiot!"

 

[aum]

Mary and Jane are old friends. They have both been married to their husbands for a long time; Mary is upset because she thinks her husband doesn't find her attractive anymore.

 

"As I get older he doesn't bother to look at me!" Mary cries.

 

"I'm so sorry for you, as I get older my husband says I get more beautiful every day." replies Jane.

 

"Yes, but your husband's an antique dealer!"

 

[Karlston]

Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.

 

But it’s definitely up there.

[ducky88]

 

A priest calls the police because a dead pig lies in front of the church.
The police arrive and one of the officers sarcastically remarks “I thought that priests took care of the dead?”
The priest answers “You’re right about that, but we always notify the family first.”

[aum]

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you doing there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was very concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, "That's because he's inside your fricking cat."

 

 

[aum]

A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!"

 

The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

 

 

[Karlston]

My friend Jack claims he can communicate with vegetables.

 

Jack and the beans talk.

[ducky88]

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but here is one:
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'
The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.

[aum]

The train was about to pull out of the station. A young man ran towards it and managed to throw his bag in and climb aboard just in time.

A fellow passenger looked at him and said, "Young man, you should be in better shape! At your age, I could catch the train by a gnat's whisker and still be fresh. Look at you, panting away."

The young man took a deep breath and replied, "I missed this train at the last station."

 

[aum]

A couple arrived at town hall seconds before closing time, and caught a judge just as he was about to leave, and asked him to marry them.

He asked if they had a license and, when they didn’t, sent them off to get one.

They caught the town clerk just as he was locking up, and got the license from him.

When they got back to the judge, he pointed out they had filled the names in backwards — his where hers belonged and vice versa.

They rushed back to the clerk’s office, caught him again, and got another license.

This time, the judge noticed that the clerk had filled in the date in the wrong format.

Again they catch the clerk… After five reissued licenses, the judge is finally satisfied.

Judge: “I hope you appreciate why I made you keep going back. If there are irregularities in the license, your marriage would not be legal, and any children you might have would be technical bastards.”

Groom: “That’s funny – that’s just what the clerk called you.”

 

 

[aum]

A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Superbowl from his company.

 

Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium -- he is closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field.

 

About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.

 

As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man says no.

 

Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Superbowl and not use it?"

 

The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Superbowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

 

"Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?"

 

"No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral."

 

[aum]

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'

'Helll000000......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!

 

[aum]

"I have good news and bad news," a defense attorney told his client.

 

"First the bad news: The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with the sample found on the victim's dress."

 

"Oh, no - I'm ruined!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"

 

"Your cholesterol is down to 140!"

 

[Karlston]

I went to a job interview today. The interviewer asked how well I perform under pressure.

 

I replied, Yeah I do OK, but I'm better at We are the Champions and Bohemian Rhapsody.

[aum]

At my granddaughter's wedding reception, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest. It turned out to be my husband and me. The DJ asked us, "What advice would you give to the newly married couple?"

I said, "The three most important words in a marriage are, 'You're probably right.'"

Everyone then looked at my husband. He said, "She's probably right."

 

 

[aum]

A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.

The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark."

 

The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you."

 

The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?"

 

"Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said.

 

The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"

 

[andy2004]

A penguin takes his car to the shop and the mechanic says it'll take about an hour for him to check it. While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. The penguin isn't the neatest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream. When he returns to the shop, the mechanic takes one look at him and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." "No," the penguin insists, "it's just ice cream."