[JOTD] Joke of the day

[ducky88]

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.
First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.
As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade.
Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts.
He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do?
Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything...
He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees.
As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.
By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.. He wanders up to the other lions and says "What's the food like here?"
The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant today, we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees" !!!

[Karlston]

I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday.

 

I wasn't putting in enough shifts.

[Krinal]

Ron Chester, 89 years of age, was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

 

Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." 

 

The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?" 

 

Ron replied, "That would be my wife."

[aum]

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

 

 

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

 

[Karlston]

A large corporation hires a Tribe of cannibals...

 

And they tell them: "You have full rights as employees, but you're not allowed to eat anybody."

 

Things go well for several weeks and then the CEO calls the Tribe into his office. The CEO says:

 

"Somebody has been reported missing. Did you eat them?"

 

The chief of the Tribe checks with his people and says:

 

"No sir, we have not eaten anybody. It must be a coincidence."

 

The CEO is skeptical but he has no evidence so he lets the Tribe go back to work.

 

Once they are away from the other employees, the chief turns to his Tribe and asks: "Okay, which one of you idiots did it?"

 

A tribesman sheepishly puts up his hands and admits:

 

"I ate a secretary."

 

The chief smacks the tribesman and yells:

 

"You fool! We've been eating middle management for weeks and nobody has noticed. Then you had to go and eat someone that does actual work!"

[ducky88]

I've been having real problems with nuisance phone calls lately.
The most common one seems to be: "You said you'd be home from the pub three frigging hours ago!"

 

[aum]

Store Manager: "I saw you arguing with that customer who just left. I told you before that the customer is always right. Do you understand me?"

Salesclerk: "Yes, sir. The customer is always right."

Store Manager: "That's better. Now what were you arguing with the customer about?"

Salesclerk: "Well, sir, he said you were an idiot."

 

[Krinal]

Arguing with a woman is like reading a software licence agreement, in the end you ignore it all, wait for the end and click "I agree"

[Karlston]

Two cannibals are eating a clown.

 

One turns to the other and asks, "Does this taste funny to you?"

[ducky88]

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken....."
 

[Krinal]

 

[aum]

Henry goes to confession and says, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. Last night I was with seven different women."

 

The priest says, "Take seven lemons, squeeze them into a glass and drink the juice without pausing."

 

"Will that cleanse me of my sins, Father?"

 

"No," replies the priest. "But it'll wipe that silly grin off your face."

 

[aum]

College is really just kidnapping done backwards.

If you don’t give us a ridiculously large amount of money, we’ll send you your child back!

 

[aum]

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game.

 

For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.

 

When the day of the game arrived, everything went quite well. As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, “Up Nuts”, and the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem, he yelled, “Down Nuts”, and they all sat back down in their seats.

 

After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, “Cheer Nuts” They all broke out into applause and cheered. When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, “Booooo Nuts” and they all started booing and cat calling.

 

Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a riot in progress.

 

Finding his missing assistant, the doctor asked:” What in the world happened?”

 

The assistant replied: “Well everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled, “Peanuts!”

 

[Karlston]

I'm considering a job installing mirrors.

 

The pay isn't great, but it's a job I can see myself doing.

[ducky88]

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton-balls and a ball of string on the counter. The sales girl says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?" He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's so much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own... so does she."

[aum]

A woman told a marriage counselor that her husband's complaint that he leads a dog's life is probably well founded.

"He comes in the house with muddy feet," she said, "tracks across my clean floors, barks at nothing, growls at his food, and makes himself comfortable on my best furniture."

 

 

[aum]

Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry."

 

"Hans Olaffsen?", he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?"

 

So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter.

 

The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?"

 

The old man answers, "Is name of owner."

 

The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?"

 

"Me, is right here," replies the old man.

 

"You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"

 

"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, "What your name?" He say, "Hans Olaffsen." Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?'"

 

"I say, Sem Ting."

 

[aum]

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?"

 

The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer.

 

He proceeded to tell her all about the "birds and the bees." When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open.

 

The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?"

 

The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."

 

 

[vitorio]

An IRS examiner was auditing a rancher. As the examination concludes the IRS says he has to look at the property. Rancher says, OK just do not go in the south pasture. The IRS whips out his badge and says this authorizes me to go anywhere I need to go. Rancher, shakes his head and responds with you go do what you think you should do. Ten minutes pass and the rancher hears screams of terror from the south pasture. Rancher goes to the fence and sees the IRS running as fast as he can, followed closely by the bull. The IRS hollers to the rancher, you gotta help me. Rancher thinks for a minute and yells back, show him your badge.

[Karlston]

What's the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?

 

Beer nuts are always over a dollar, whereas deer nuts are always under a buck.

[ducky88]

DOG PET PEEVES ABOUT HUMANS
1. When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping.
2. Blaming your farts on me...not funny...not funny at all.
3. Yelling at me for barking... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG YOU IDIOT!!
4. How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat butt?)
5. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly who's walk is this anyway?
6. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose...stop it.
7. Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet. Why'd you buy carpet?
8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet...idiot.
9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.
10. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur? Imbecile.
11. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your s**t up when you're not home.
12. When you pick up the crap piles in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?
13. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out everytime we go back.
14. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain, you nitwit.
15. Invisible fences. Why do you insist on screwing with us? To my knowledge, dogdom hasn't yet solved the visible fence problem!!

[aum]

Prior to turning on the TV to watch a recorded soccer match, I said to my wife, “Don’t tell me the score!”

She replied, “ Don't worry, there wasn’t any.”

 

[ducky88]

An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats at a symphony concert.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The old man didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the old man just muttered and did nothing. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.

The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"
"Bob," the old man moaned.
"Where you from, Bob?", asked the police officer.

With a terrible strain in his voice, and without moving, Bob replied; "The balcony."

[Krinal]

Women's Revenge 'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked. 'No,'

she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'