[JOTD] Joke of the day

[Karlston]

Mountains aren't just funny...

 

Spoiler

...they are hill areas

 

[MagicSahar]

[aum]

A new preacher wanted to rent a house in the country but the only one available was rumored to be haunted. That didn’t bother the preacher since he didn’t believe in such things. He went ahead and rented the place.

 

Soon the ghost made its appearance. The preacher told his friends about the ghost, but they didn’t believe him.

They told him the only way they would believe was if he took a picture of the ghost.

 

The preacher went home and called for the ghost. When it appeared, the preacher explained the situation and asked the ghost if it would mind having its picture taken. The ghost agreed. When the picture was developed, the ghost wasn’t visible.

 

Feeling disappointed, the preacher called again for the ghost. When it appeared, the preacher showed it the picture and wanted to know why the ghost wasn’t in it.

 

The ghost thought a minute and replied, “Well, I guess the spirit was willing, but the flash was weak.”

 

Edited May 27, 2021 by aum

[aum]

Two delicate blossoms of Southern femininity, one from Mississippi and the other from Texas, were conversing on the porch swing of a large white-pillared mansion. The Mississippian said, "When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me."
The Texan lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice?"

The lady from Mississippi continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me that fine Cadillac automobile you see parked in the drive."
Again, the Texas lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice?"

The first woman boasted, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."
Yet again, the Texas lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice?"

The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"
The Texas lady replied, "My husband sent me to charm school."
"Charm school!" the first woman cried. "Land sakes, child, what on Earth for?"

The Texas lady responded, "So that instead of saying, 'Who gives a crap', I learned to say, 'Well, isn't that nice?'"

 

[ducky88]

Paddy goes to his Doctor and said, them migraine tablets are causing me problems, in what way says the Doctor, when I take one in the morning, I get a severe pain down my right SIDE, and I take the one at night and I get a severe pain down my left SIDE, I know what’s the problem says the Doctor, that's just the SIDE Effects.

[MagicSahar]

https://imgur.com/G5d2Csb

[aum]

During a funeral, the organist played a beautiful rendition of Bach's "Sheep May Safely Graze" as the casket was carried out of the church. After the service, the minister complimented him on his performance.

"Oh, by the way," the minister asked, "Do you know what the deceased did for a living?"

"No idea," said the organist as he began packing up.

The minister smiled, "He was a butcher."

 

[aum]

Our computers went down at work today, so we had to do everything manually...

It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards for solitaire.

 

[aum]

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?" To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son.... Men use them to have safe sex."

 

"Oh I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package."

 

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

 

"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men." the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

 

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March........"

 

[Karlston]

[ducky88]

The Roasting Pan

One day a little girl was watching her mom make a roast beef. She cut off the ends, wrapped it in string, seasoned it and set it in the roasting pan.

The little girl asked her mom why she cut off the ends of the roast. Mom replied, after some thought, that it was the way that her mother had done it.

That night grandma came to dinner and the little girl and her mom went to her and asked why she had cut the end off the roast before cooking. After some thought grandma replied, that was the way her mother had done it.

Now great grandmother was quite old and in a nursing home. But the little girl went with her mom and grandma to see her and again asked the question.

Grandma looked at them a bit annoyed and said:

"So, it would fit in the pan, of course."

[vitorio]

Great grandmothers know it best!

[aum]

An old-time pastor was riding furiously down the road, hurrying to get to church on time. Suddenly, his horse stumbled and threw him to the ground.

 

Lying in the dirt, his body wracked with pain, the pastor called out, “All you angels in heaven, help me get up on my horse!”

 

With extraordinary strength, he leaped onto the horse’s back—and fell off the other side.

 

From the ground again, he called out, “All right, just half of you angels this time!”

 

[aum]

A big game hunter goes on safari with his wife and his mother-in-law.

 

One morning, the wife wakes up to find her mother gone. Immediately, she awakens up her husband and they both set off to find the old woman.

 

Suddenly, they break into a clearing and there's the mother-in-law, standing face-to-face with a ferocious lion!

 

"Quick, darling," the wife shouts frantically, "Do something!"

 

"Oh, no," the husband says, "That lion got himself into this mess. Let him get himself out!"

 

[aum]

An explorer walked into a clearing and was surprised to see a pigmy standing beside a huge dead elephant.

 

"Did you kill that?" he asked. The pigmy answered: "Yes".

 

"How could a little bloke like you kill something as huge as that?"

"I killed it with my club" replied the pigmy.

"That's amazing," said the explorer. "How big's your club?"

The pigmy replied: "There's about 150 of us"

 

 

[Karlston]

So I used to knock about with a prawn and a crab.

 

Trouble was that they always wanted to do what they wanted to do and never took my feelings into account.

 

In the end I had to move on.

 

It took me a while to realise that they were just two shellfish.

[Karlston]

[Matt]

On 5/28/2021 at 2:09 AM, MagicSahar said:

https://imgur.com/G5d2Csb

Use right click and pick copy image link in order the image to be embed and show on the forums, so member doesn't need to go to other website to open the image. 

[ducky88]

After reading about the awful harm being caused to the planet by plastic, I decided to leap into action.

 

I cut up all the wife's credit cards.

[aum]

A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns. With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, "What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor?"

The doctor replied, "It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs."

 

[aum]

Last year I replaced several windows in my house and they were the expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work has been completed for a whole year and I had yet to pay for them.

Boy oh boy did we go 'round. Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.

 

So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year. . that in one year the windows would pay for themselves.

 

There was silence on the other end of the line so I just hung up and I haven't heard back. Guess I must have won that silly argument.
 

[Karlston]

[aum]

Girlfriend: "One day I will marry and a lot of men will be sad that day."

 

Boyfriend: "Wow, how many men do you plan to marry?"

 

[aum]

An 8 year old girl went to the office with her father on 'Take your kid to work Day'.

As they walked round the office she started crying and getting cranky.

Her father asked what was wrong.

As the staff gathered round she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you worked with?"

 

[Krinal]

IRISH JOB INTERVIEW 

Mick had applied for a fermentation operator post, at a famous Irish firm, based in Dublin. 

A Pole applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test by the Manager.

When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20. 

The manager went to Mick and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we’ve decided to give the Polish man the job." 

Mick said, "And why would you be doing that?

We both got 19 questions correct."  "This being Ireland and me being Irish, surely I should get the job."

The Manager said, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong."

Mick exclaimed, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?" 

Manager, "Simple. On question number 7 the Pole wrote down, 'I don’t know.' 

You put down,  “Neither do I.”

Edited May 31, 2021 by Krinal