[JOTD] Joke of the day

[aum]

After ordering a milkshake, a man had to leave his seat in the restaurant to use the rest room. Since he didn't want anyone to take his shake, he took a paper napkin, wrote on it, "The world's strongest weight lifter," and left it under his glass.

When he returned from making his call, the glass was empty.

 

Under it was a new napkin with a note that said "Thanks for the treat!" It was signed, "The world's fastest runner."

 

[Karlston]

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.

 

I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

[Krinal]

What’s the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?

One’s a superhero and the other is an instruction.

[MagicSahar]

[Karlston]

[Krinal]

An old guy (not able to get in the best of shape from tennis) started working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing.

He asked the trainer who's nearby: "What machine in here should I use to make this body look attractive to someone like that sweet young thing over there?"

The trainer looked him up & down & said: "I'd try the ATM in the lobby."

[Karlston]

My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo.

 

So I had to put my foot down.

[ducky88]

The wife has started having these weird fantasies....

Just Last night she had one where she wanted me to come home early from the pub and have dinner with her....

[ducky88]

A MAN was driving down the road and ran out of petrol. At that moment, a bee flew in his window.
“What seems to be the problem?” asked the bee.
“I’m out of petrol,” the man replied.
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his petrol tank.
After a few minutes, the bees flew out.
”Try it now,” said the bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.
“Wow,” the man exclaimed. “What did you put in my petrol tank?”
“BP,” answered the bee.

[Akaneharuka]

[aum]

Two men walk into a bar. The first guy says he wants some H2O.

The second guy says he wants some H2O too.

The second guy died.

 

[aum]

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly.

Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.

The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"

St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"

 

[Karlston]

I finally quit drinking for good.

 

Spoiler

Now I drink for evil

 

[Krinal]

 

[aum]

Wife: "Whenever I keep money in my purse, our son steals it! I don’t know what to do?"

Husband: "Hide it in his books. I know he will never touch them."

 

[aum]

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome.

 

So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.

 

So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they're overpriced.

 

So, whatcha' doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people are trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

 

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand, I knelt down, and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What did he say?"

"He said: 'Where did you get the shitty hairdo?'"

 

[aum]

The father is telling his son stories to help him sleep. The only sound is the murmur of dad's voice.

Two hours pass, and there's silence in the room.

 

The mother creeps to the door and whispers, "Is he asleep, dear?"

"Yes, Mommy," says her son.

 

[aum]

I got the strangest recording when I called the phone company the other day.

It said, "You have been connected to the correct department on the first try. This is against company policy. Please hang up and redial."

 

[aum]

One day an old lady walked into the doctor's office and was shown into a room. When the doctor came in and asked what the problem was, she answered, "I have awful gas, but it doesn't bother me. You see, it's completely silent and doesn't smell at all."

 

The doctor, after examining her thoroughly, gave her some pills and told her to take one everyday and come back in a week. The lady returned, and when the doctor asked if her problem was any better she replied, "Well I don't know what you gave me, but now my gas smells terrible!"

 

The doctor replied, "Well, now that we've got your sinuses cleared up let's work on your hearing!"

 

[ducky88]

I've noticed, if you're scared of spiders they always turn up in your bedroom.
Using that logic... I'm scared of blonde girls with big boobs.

[Krinal]

 

[aum]

A few moments after the daughter announced her engagement, her father asked, "Does this fellow have any money?"

The daughter shook her head sadly...

"Oh Daddy! You men are all alike," sighing deeply, she replied, "That's exactly what he asked me about you."

 

[aum]

Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say: "Close Enough."

 

 

 

[Karlston]

I asked my wife if I am the only one she has ever been with.

 

She said yes, all the others were nines and tens.

[aum]

One day, Jimmy Jones was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.

Bubba, where'd you git that truck?!?"

Tammie give it to me" Bubba replied.

"She give it to ya?

I know'd she wuz kinda sweet on ya, but a New truck?"

"Well, Jimmy Jones, let me tell you what happened.

We wuz drivin' out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowheres. Tammie pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said,' Bubba, take whatever you want.' So I took the truck! "

"Bubba, yore a smart man! Them clothes woulda never fit you!"