[JOTD] Joke of the day

[PLASMA]

[Karlston]

My parents told me I could be anyone I want to be.

 

But it turns out that identity theft is a crime.

 

----

 

As part of its Covid-19 recovery, the UK government is designating areas of the country that have been particularly hard-hit economically as special investment zones, with tax incentives to companies that relocate to the zone.

 

The initial special investment zone to be created is Yorkshire. The first company to take advantage of this is Gumtree, who its owners Ebay announced would be setting up a new combined headquarters in the heart of Yorkshire.

 

It will be called...

 

Spoiler

Ebaygum

 

[ducky88]

A woman comes home late in the night and goes quietly in the bedroom.
To her surprise, she sees male and female feet peeking out from under the blanket.
Shocked and raging, she gets her baseball bat and beats and beats until all movement stops.
After that she goes into the living room and sees her husband laying on the sofa.
He turns to her half asleep: "Oh, you're home, darling. I'm afraid we have to sleep here tonight, your parents came for a surprise visit."

[aum]

My boss texted me, "Send me one of your funny jokes, Pete."

I replied, "I'm working at the moment, Sir, I will send you one later."

He replied, "That was fantastic, send me another one."

 

[Karlston]

[aum]

Two elderly ladies were discussing the upcoming dance at the country club.

"We're supposed to wear something that matches our husband's hair, so I'm wearing black," said Mrs. Smith.

"Oh my," said Mrs. Jones, "I'd better not go."

 

 

[aum]

The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like Dad!"

 

Her mother replied, "So what you want from me, sympathy?"

 

[aum]

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND..."

Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.

So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy..."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."  

 

[aum]

After a two-week criminal trial in a very high profile bank robbery case, the judge turns to the jury foreman and asks, "Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?"

 

"Yes, we have, your honor," The foreman responded.

 

"Would you please pass it to me," The judge declared, as he motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to him.

 

After the judge reads the verdict himself, he delivers the verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman and instructs the foreman, "Please read your verdict to the court."

 

"We find the defendant Not Guilty of all four counts of bank robbery." stated the foreman. The family and friends of the defendant jump for joy at the verdict and hug each other as they shout expressions of divine gratitude.

 

The man's attorney turns to his client and asks, "So, what do you think about that?"

 

The defendant, with a bewildered look on his face turns to his attorney and says, "I'm real confused here. Does this mean that I have to give all the money back?"

 

 

[Karlston]

A man died after falling into a vat of coffee.

 

His wife told reporters, at least he didn't suffer – it was instant.

[ducky88]

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Australia and park themselves on a bar stool.
 
One of them says to the bartender, “Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip.  I'm John, he's Jim.  Two Fosters beers, draft please."
 The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"
 
 "Off to America next month," says John.  "We go to America every year, rent a car and drive for miles.  Don't we, Jim?"   Jim agrees.
"Ah, America!" says the bartender.  "Wonderful country... New York, L.A,   Vegas..."
 "Nah, we don't like that American crap," says John. "Meat pies and Fosters beer, that's us, says Jim?  And we can't stand the Yanks - they're so arrogant and rude."
"So why keep going to America?" asks the bartender.
 
"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

[PLASMA]

Triball Tribal....🤪

[aum]

A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them.

When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign. The man thought that was great.

A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly. The bartender looked over and signed, "Now cut that out! I warned you!" and threw the group out of the bar.

The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said, "If I told them once I told them 100 times - no singing in the bar!"

 

[Karlston]

The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.

 

I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.

[aum]

My wife claims I'm a baseball fanatic. She says all I ever read about is baseball. All I ever talk about is baseball. All I ever think about is baseball.

I told her she's way off base!

 

[aum]

A young man and a young woman were soon to be married, but they both had a problem they had never told anyone else about. The man approached his father one day before the wedding and told him about his problem.

 

His feet really stunk, even if he washed them constantly, he was worried that this would scare off his new bride, so he needed a solution, fast. His father pondered the situation and finally told his son to wear socks constantly (even to bed) and always wash his feet whenever he got a chance. The son thought about this and went along happy.

 

The same day the young lady approached her mother and told her about her problem. Her morning breath was horrid. Her mother reassured her and told her everyone had bad morning breath. The young woman told her mother that this was not normal morning breath but easily the worst in the world. The mother thinks about this and comes up with this bright idea. She tells her daughter to get up earlier than everyone else and don't say a thing, go make breakfast and then brush her teeth while the others are eating. The young woman thinks and then runs off to get ready for the wedding, happy.

 

The couple is married and they are happy, him with his perpetual socks and her with her morning silences. One morning about 5:30 am the young man wakes up to find one sock missing. He starts rustling around in the bed looking for it, which of course wakes up his wife, who without thinking asks what's wrong.

 

With a look of shock on his face the young man says, "Oh my god! You've swallowed my sock!"

 

[aum]

Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the corner of the room, drinking a sip out of each pint in turn. When he had finished all three, he went back to the bar and ordered three more.

 

The barman says, “You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it . Your pints would taste better if you bought one at a time.”

 

Patrick replies, “Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America and de odder in Australia and here I am in Dublin . When we all left home, we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder.”

 

The barman admits that this is a nice custom and says no more.

 

Patrick becomes a regular customer and always drinks the same way … ordering three pints and drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished.

 

One day, he comes in and orders just two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he goes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

 

Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops and he starts to laugh, “Oh no,” he says, Bejesus, everyone is fine! Tis me … I've quit drinking!”

 

Edited April 28, 2021 by aum

[MagicSahar]

[aum]

A man was brought to a hospital with heavily fractured bones. The doctor in the intensive care unit asks him, "Are you married?"

"No, I've been run over by a truck."

 

[aum]

"Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for Christmas," little Joshua said to his uncle the first time he saw him after the holidays. "It's the best present I ever got."

 

"That's great," said his uncle. "Do you know how to play it?"

 

"Oh, I don't play it," the little fellow said.

 

"My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night.

 

 

[aum]

Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified engineers sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.

Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:

Defrost the chicken..

 

[Karlston]

A weasel walks into a bar.

 

The bartender exclaims, “Wow I’ve never served a weasel before! What can I get for you bud?”

 

“Pop” goes the weasel.

[ducky88]

For our Silver Wedding Anniversary I put a map of the world on a cork board and gave my wife a dart. I told her that we would go wherever the dart landed. She said she was aiming for anywhere in the Mediterranean.

I am happy to announce that we will soon be spending two weeks by the baseboard in the laundry room.

[aum]

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day.

Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

 

[aum]

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.

He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home now, 'Mother of six?'"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of four."