[JOTD] Joke of the day

[aum]

Once, Yogi Berra's wife Carmen asked, "Yogi, you are from St. Louis, we live in New Jersey, and you played ball in New York. If you go before I do, where would you like me to have you buried?"

Yogi replied, "Surprise me."

 

[Abacaxi]

[Archimede]

On 4/15/2021 at 11:56 PM, Karlston said:

My wife just nudged me and said, "You weren't even listening, were you?"

 

I thought... that's a strange way to start a conversation.

Absolutely brilliant :D :D

[ducky88]

I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep.
In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

[aum]

A grandmother sent her grandson a shirt for his birthday. The only trouble was that he had a size 14 neck and the shirt was size 12.

When the grandson sent a thank you note, he wrote, “Dear Grandma. Thanks a lot for the shirt. I’d write more, but I’m all choked up.”

 

[ducky88]

One dark night in Dublin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. In the blink of an eye, it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the firefighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said, “All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give 50,000 pounds to the fire department that brings them out intact.”

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now 100,000 pounds to the fire station who could bring out the company’s secret files. But still, the firefighters could not get through.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby rural township volunteer fire brigade, composed mainly of old men over 65. To everyone’s amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside, the other firemen watched as the old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to 200,000 pounds and walked over to personally thank each of the brave firefighters.

The local TV station caught the thank you on film and asked the chief, “What are you going to do with all that money?”

“Well,” said Paddy, the 70-year-old fire chief, “the first thing we’re gonna do is fix the brakes on that bloody fire truck.”

[aum]

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car which is designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped.

She keeps it in the trunk.

 

[aum]

Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.

"Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."

The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.

He replied, "Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge.

 

Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk."

 

 

[aum]

My teacher pointed me with his ruler and said: "At the end of this ruler there's an idiot!"

 

I got detention after asking which end.

[aum]

Edited April 20, 2021 by aum

[Karlston]

Two cowboys are lost in the desert and are on the point of starvation.

 

One cowboy sees a tree that’s draped in bacon.

 

“A bacon tree! We’re saved!” He says.

 

He runs to the tree and is shot dead.

 

It wasn’t a bacon tree, it was a ham bush

[aum]

After the holidays and all those delightful, seasonal treats, a husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tells your fortune and weight.

 

He drops in a coin and eagerly reads the results.

 

"Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and an absolutely great lover in bed!"

 

"Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too!"

 

[aum]

A guy has been suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he's

referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor.

 

The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies, "I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and...."

 

He is interrupted by the doctor, "And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear".

 

"Yes! Exactly! How did you know?"

 

"Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist, you know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes".

 

Two weeks go by and the man is back, "Well, how do you feel?"

 

"Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a headache since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough.

 

And, by the way you have a lovely home."

 

[Karlston]

I went to the beekeeper to get 12 bees. He counted and gave me 13.

 

"Sir, you gave me an extra."

 

"That's a freebie."

[ducky88]

Two Irish nuns have just arrived to the USA by boat and one says to the other, “I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs.”

“Odd,” her companion replies, “but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.”

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart.

“Two dogs, please,” says one.

The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their “dogs.”

The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously: “Which part did you get?

[aum]

A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London and was in a hurry. As they went by the Tower of London the cab driver explained what it was and that construction of it started in 1346 and was completed in 1412.

The Texan replied, "Shoot, a little old tower like that? In Houston we'd have that thing up in two weeks!"

Next they passed the House of Parliament - started in 1544 and completed in 1618.

"Well boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a year!"

As they passed Westminster Abbey the cab driver was silent.

"Whoah! What's that over there?" asked the Texan.

The driver replied, "I don't know, it wasn't there yesterday."

 

[aum]

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

 

"But officer." the man began, "I can explain".

 

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..."

 

"But officer, I just wanted to say...."

 

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

 

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

 

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

 

 

[aum]

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

 

[aum]

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.

"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."

"Excuse me?" the accountant said.

"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."

"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"

"I'll start you at eighty thousand."

"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"

"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."

 

[aum]

A man entered a pet shop, wanting to buy a parrot.

 

The shop owner pointed out three identical parrots on a perch and said, "The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars."

 

"Why does that parrot cost so much?" the man wondered.

 

The owner replied, "Well, it knows how to use a computer."

 

The man asked about the next parrot on the perch.

 

"That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system." Naturally, the startled customer asked about the third parrot.

 

"That one costs 2,000 dollars."

 

"And what does that one do?" the man asked.

 

The owner replied, "To be honest, I've never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him boss!"

 

Edited April 23, 2021 by aum

[aum]

The only cow in a small Kentucky town stopped giving milk.

 

The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state line in Illinois for $200.

They brought the cow from Illinois and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy.

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.

They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Illinois?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Illinois?"

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Illinois."

[Karlston]

Since youngsters of today have their Texting Codes (LOL, OMG, AFK, etc.), the Oldies decided not to be outdone by these kiddies and now have developed their own code:

 

ATD – At The Doctor's
BFF – Best Friend's Funeral
BTW – Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT – Bring Your Own Teeth
FWIW – Forgot Where I Was
GGPBL – Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA – Got Heartburn Again
TFT – Texting from Toilet

[aum]

A man was walking down the streets of Washington DC one night. All of a sudden a mugger sticks a gun in his ribs and says. "Give me all your money!"

He replied, "Do you realize I am an important member of congress?"

The robber said, "In that case give me all my money!"

 

[ducky88]

A guy is sitting at a bar, and a drunk dude walks up to him, calling his mom a whore. The first guy just ignores it and stays in his spot drinking his beer. An hour goes by and the drunk dude comes back saying, "Your mom is a whore!" The first guy looks around the bar, sees people staring and says, "Don't worry, everything is cool here," and shrugs it off. After a few more shots, the drunk dude walks up a third time and says, "Your mom... is such... a whore!" The guy finally gets mad, throws his fist on the table and says, "You know what, Dad? Go home!"

[aum]

Two old men had been best friends for years, and they both live to their early 90's, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill. His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they're reminiscing about their long friendship, when the dying man's friend asks, "Listen, when you die, do me a favor. I want to know if there's baseball in heaven."

 

The dying man said, "We've been friends for years, this I'll do for you." And then he dies.

 

A couple days later, his surviving friend is sleeping when he hears his friend's voice. The voice says, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there's baseball in heaven."

 

"What's the bad news?"

 

"You're pitching on Wednesday."