[JOTD] Joke of the day

[aum]

A man was watching TV and enjoying a beer. "Don't go," he yelled at the screen. "Do not enter that building. Walk away. Argh, you stupid man!"

His wife called from the kitchen, "What on earth are you watching?"

"Our wedding video."

 

[aum]

Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"

The policeman said, "What's he like?"

Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"

 

[aum]

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer wants to ask her a few questions.

Officer: What's 2+2?
Blonde: Ummmmm... 4!
Officer: What's the square root of 100?
Blonde: Ummmm... 10!
Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?
Blonde: Ummmm... I dunno.
Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.

The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job.

 

The blonde says, excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"

 

[aum]

A spiritualist who'd recently been widowed met a colleague and reported excitedly that she'd just received a message from her dead husband - asking her to send him a pack of cigarettes.

 

"The only thing is," she mused, "that I don't know where to send them."

"Why not?" asked her friend.

"Well, he didn't actually say that he was in Heaven - but I can't imagine he'd be in Hell."

 

"Hm," responded the friend. "Well, maybe I shouldn't bring this up, but. . . he didn't mention anything about including matches in the package, did he?"

 

[aum]

An older gent had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. He approached the receptionist desk. The receptionist was a large imposing woman who looked like a wrestler.

He gave her his name. In a very loud voice the receptionist said, "Yes, I see your name here. You want to see the doctor about impotence, right?"
All of the patients in the waiting room snapped their head around to look at the very embarrassed man.

He recovered quickly though, and in an equally loud voice replied, "No, I've come to inquire about a sex change operation and I'd like the same doctor that did yours!"

 

[aum]

(The following is supposedly a true story relating a situation that actually occurred during the war.)

During the Persian Gulf War, I was assigned to go to Saudi Arabia. As I was saying good-bye to my family, my three-year-old son, Christopher, was holding on to my leg and pleading with me not to leave. "No, Daddy, please don't go!" he kept repeating.

We were beginning to make a scene when my wife, desperate to calm him, said, "Let Daddy go and I'll take you to get a pizza."

Immediately, Christopher loosened his death grip, stepped back and in a calm voice said, "'Bye, Daddy."

 

[aum]

This married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.

The husband asks "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"

"Yes" she replies. "He's my ex-husband and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."

"That's remarkable" the husband replies. "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."

 

[aum]

Dilbert's "Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and scientists can never earn as much as business executives and sales people."

This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:

As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time

Since:

Knowledge = Power
Time = Money
Knowledge = Work/Money.

Solving for Money, we get:

Money = Work / Knowledge.

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.

Conclusion:

The less you know, the more you make.

[aum]

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home.

 

As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture." The man said.

"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.

"My wife," said the man.

 

[aum]

I was struggling to get my wife’s attention?

So I simply sat down and looked comfortable.

That did the trick.

 

[Karlston]

[danielson]

Was wondering out loud one night "why do cats only have 9 lives instead of 12, 15 or more?"

 

A friend spontaneously responded, "'cause it's written on the can."

 

- - -

 

-Could be a script for Edith / Archie Bunker dialogue?

Edited December 29, 2025 by danielson

[aum]

A drunk man was brought to court. Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery.

 

The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order, order."

 

The drunk immediately responded, "Thank you, your Honor, I'll have a Scotch and soda."

 

[aum]

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

 

To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

 

[aum]

Putting your phone away and paying attention to those talking to you.

 

There is an app for that- It's called respect.

 

[aum]

On Exercising

 

1 - My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where in the world she is.

2 - The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

3 - I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

4 - I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

5 - I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

6 - I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

7 - I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

8 - The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

9 - If you are going to try cross-county skiing, start with a small country.

10 - I don't jog; it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

 

and last but not least....

 

It is well documented that for every mile that you jog..... you add one minute to your life .... This enables you, at 85 years old.... to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

 

 

[aum]

Once there was a little boy that lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter and stank all the time.The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek. One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally,the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away. That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why.

The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?"

The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."

The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree."

 

[aum]

Tom decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some loads for an upcoming hunt.

 

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally spoke.

 

"Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, handloading, and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns and boat".

Tom gets this horrified look on his face.

She said, "Darling, what's wrong?"

"There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife."

"Ex wife!", she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

 

"I wasn't. "

 

[aum]

An office technician got a call from a user. The user told the tech that her computer was not working. She described the problem and the tech concluded that the computer needed to be brought in and serviced.

He told her to "Unplug the power cord and bring it up here and I will fix it."

About fifteen minutes later she shows up at his door with the power cord in her hand.

 

 

[aum]

A woman said to her friend, "I don't know what to do. My husband is such a mess maker that you can't imagine. He doesn't put anything in its place, I am always going around the house organizing things."

The friend says, "Take a tip from me. The first week after we were married I told my husband firmly, 'Every glass and plate that you take, wash when you are done and put back in its place.'"

The first woman asked, "Did it help?"

Her friend said, "I don't know. I haven't seen him since."

 

[aum]

"Dad," a teenage girl says, running into her father's den, "I'd like to kiss you good-bye before I go to school!"

"You're too late, honey. Your mother just did that two minutes ago, and I don't have any cash left on me."

 

[aum]

A policeman sees a little girl riding her bike and says, “Did Santa get you that?"

“Yes,” replies the little girl.

“Well," says the policeman, "tell Santa to put a reflector light on it next year,” and fines her five dollars.

 

The little girl looks up at the policeman and says, "Nice horse you’ve got there, did Santa bring you that?”

The policeman chuckles and replies, “He sure did!"

 

“Well,” says the little girl, “next year, tell Santa the d*ck goes under the horse and not on it."

 

[aum]

I used to think drinking was bad for me.

So I gave up thinking.

 

[aum]

Two natural gas company service personnel, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of an alley and worked their way to the other end.

 

At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter. When they finished, the senior supervisor, proud of his physical condition, challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race back to their truck.

 

As they approached the truck, they realized that the woman from the last house they checked was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

 

Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I saw two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run, too!"

 

[aum]

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead off food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex."