[JOTD] Joke of the day

[Karlston]

A woman named Shirley was from Beverly Hills. One day, she had a heart attack and was taken to Cedars Sinai hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience.

 

She saw God and asked, “Is this it?”

 

God said, “No, you have another 30 to 40 years to live.”

 

Upon her recovery, she decided to stay in the hospital and have collagen shots, cheek implants, a face lift, liposuction, and breast augmentation. She even had someone dye her hair. She figured since she had another 30 to 40 years, she might as well make the most of it.

 

She walked out of Cedars Sinai lobby after the last operation and was killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital.

 

She arrived in front of God and said (quite angrily), “I thought you said I had another 30 to 40 years!”

 

God replied, “Shirley!? I didn’t recognize you!”

[aum]

A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil. As he passed sulfurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.

"That's unfair !" he cried. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."

 

"Shut up!" barked the devil, jabbing him with his pitchfork.

 

"Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"

[Karlston]

An engineer was out walking one day, when he noticed a beautiful emerald green frog in a puddle in the road.

He bent over, picked up the frog, intending to move it to safety when the frog says "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He looked closely at the frog, smiled and placed it gently into his pocket.

The frog called out from the pocket, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."

Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

[Karlston]

Did you hear about the 3 statisticians who went duck hunting.

 

The first took a shot at a duck and missed 3 metres to the left. The second took a shot and missed 3 metres to the right.

 

The third one jumped up and shouted "GOT HIM".

 

---

 

For a while Houdini used trapdoors in every act.

 

It was just a stage he was going through.

[Disco Bob]

Little Johnny's teacher asks him, "If I gave you two cats, then two more, and two more cats; how many would you have?"

Little Johnny replies, "Seven!"

His teacher asks him again more slowly, "If I gave you two cats, then two more, and two more cats; how many would you have?"

But again Little Johnny replies, "Seven!"

Next she asks, "If I get two cats, then two more, and two more cats; how many would I have?"

Little Johnny replies, "Six!"

"Good Job Johnny! Now if I gave you two cats, then two more, and two more cats; how many would you have?"

Johnny thinks for a second, "Seven."

His teacher gets mad, "Johnny, where do you get seven?!"

Johnny replies, "You gave me six cats, and I already have a freaking cat!"

 

 

 

TYPICAL FEDS :)

 

A rancher was minding his own business when an FBI agent comes up to him and says, "We got a tip that you may be growing illegal drugs on the premises. Do you mind if I take a look around?"

The old rancher replies, "That's fine, you shouldn't go over there though." As he points at one of his fields.

The FBI agent snaps at him, "I'm am a federal agent! I can go wherever I want!" With this he pulls out his badge and shoves it into the ranchers face.

The rancher shrugs this off and continues with his daily chores. About 15 minutes later he hears a loud scream from the field he pointed out earlier. Suddenly he sees the FBI agent sprinting towards him with a large bull on his heels. The rancher rushes to the fence and yells "Your badge! Show him your badge!" 

Edited April 2, 2019 by win10

[Karlston]

Once upon a time, a farmer was walking down a deserted country road in Russia in the middle of winter. The weather was freezing cold and snow was beginning to fall, and the man was shivering violently.

 

As he was hurrying home, he happened to spy a little bird lying in the middle of the road, seemingly frozen solid.

 

The man’s heart went out to it. “We are birds of a feather,” he thought, as he picked the bird up and gently put it in his pocket in the hope that his own body heat would revive it.

 

Half an hour later, the man felt a flutter in his pocket and was very happy that the bird was still alive. But he knew that what the bird needed most was real heat, something the man just could not provide.

 

Right at that moment, a cow in a nearby pasture voided itself of a big steaming load. Realizing that this could provide the warmth the bird so desperately needed, the man walked over and stuck the lucky little bird into the steaming pile. He walked away, happy that he had saved its life.

 

Sure enough, very soon the bird was completely revived. Happy to be alive, it started whistling notes of pure joy. A very hungry fox happened to be nearby, heard the bird singing, followed the chirping to its source, and quickly ate the bird.

 

This typical Russian fable has three morals: One – it’s not only your enemies that get you into it. Two – it’s not always your friends who get you out of it. Three – if you’re in it up to your neck, for God’s sake, don’t sing!

[Karlston]

The Pope arrives at at the airport where he's met by his limo driver. After loading his luggage into the limo, the driver asks if there's anything else he can do before they leave.

 

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "They never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive."

 

Reluctantly, the driver gets into the back as the Pope settles behind the wheel. The driver quickly regretted his decision when, after clearing the airport, the Pope accelerated the limo to 105 mph.

 

Sure enough, they heard a siren behind them, and the police officer motions to pull over. As the Pope rolls down his window, the cop took one look at him, went back to his motorcycle, and got on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he said to the dispatch.

 

When the Chief got on the radio, the cop told him that he'd stopped a limo going a hundred and five. "So bust him," said the Chief.

 

"I think the guy's a big shot," said the cop. "All the more reason." said the Chief.

 

"No, I mean really a big shot," said the cop. "What'd ya got there, the Mayor?" asked the Chief.

 

"Bigger." "Governor?" said the Chief.

 

"Bigger." "Well," said the chief, "Who is it?"

 

"I don't know," said the cop. "But he's got the Pope driving for him."

[Abacaxi]

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Harry.
Harry who?
Harry up, it’s cold out here!

[Disco Bob]

A wealthy lawyer is driving down the road in his limo when he sees two men eating grass on the side of the road. He pulls over to investigate.

He asks one of the men, "Why are you eating this disgusting grass?"

The man replies, "I'm too poor, it's all we have."

The lawyer replies, "You and your buddy can come home with me and I'll feed you."

The man replies, "But sir, we both have families."

The lawyer replies, "Bring them all!" So they all pile into the car.

One of the men's wives turns to the lawyer and tells him, "Thank you so much sir, we really needed this."

The lawyer responds, "No problem, the grass is almost a foot tall, you'll love it!"

 

 

 

An antique dealer is walking through town and sees a cat drinking milk from a saucer in a shop window. He is shocked when he realizes that the saucer is very rare and expensive.

He enters the shop and asks the owner "Hey, I really like the cat. Would you be willing to sell it to me?"

The store owner replies "Not for sale."

The antique dealer thinking quickly responds "I'll give you $100 for it."

The shop owner agrees and the antique dealer grabs the cat. He acts like he is about to leave then adds "Oh, would you mind throwing in the saucer, the cat seems to like it."

The shop owner replies "No, that's my lucky saucer. I've sold hundreds of cats since I got it."

[Karlston]

A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie!

The genie says, "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes."

The man says "Great! I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want one billion dollars in a Swiss bank account."

Poof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand!

He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here."

Poof! There is a flash of light and a bright red, brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him!

He continues, "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women."

Poof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.

[Disco Bob]

54 minutes ago, Karlston said:

He continues, "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women."

Poof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.

I wish lol


A blonde, a brunette and a red head are having their lunches. The blonde little girl says, "I'm sick of PB&J, we should all jump off the school tomorrow if we get it again tomorrow." The other girls agree.

The next day they all meet up on the roof of the school and open their lunch boxes to expose three PB&J sandwiches. So they all jump.

That night at the hospital the families of the girls are in the waiting room. The brunette and red headed girl's parents are crying, but the blonde girls parents are silent and confused. The other parents approach them and ask them why they are acting so strangely. The blonde mother responds, "I just don't understand. She makes her own lunch."

 

 

 

A struggling zoo's main attraction, a gorilla, dies during their most popular season. They can't afford to lose the gorilla so they secretly hire one of the employees to be a gorilla in a suit for an extra $500 a week.

He quickly becomes even more popular than the original gorilla, everyone wants to see the human-like gorilla.

After a few months his popularity begins to wane so he decides to raise the stacks. He climbs out of his enclosure and dangles from a tree in the lion exhibit but he loses his grip and falls. Scared he begins to yell for help, "Somebody help!"

With this the lion pounces on top of him and whispers, "Shut up or you'll get us both fired!"

[Karlston]

While attending a "Sex, Love & Intimacy – Weekend workshop" Dave and his partner, Ann, listened to the instructor declare "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other".

 

He then addressed the men "Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?"

 

Dave leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered "It's Self-Raising, isn't it?"

 

The divorce goes through next week.

[aum]

At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

 

The little boy nodded yes.

 

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?"

 

The little boy nodded yes.

 

"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you are out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?"

 

Again, the boy nodded yes.

 

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain it to your mother."

Edited April 5, 2019 by aum

[Disco Bob]

The FBI, the CIA and the LAPD all think they are the most efficient law enforcers, so they decide to have a contest. They release a squirrel into a forest and they all get a chance to catch it.

The CIA bugs the entire forest and gets animal informants. They then question all of the plants and mineral witnesses. But after four months, they conclude that the rabbit never existed.

Next the FBI comes in. After a couple of weeks they still have no leads so they burn the entire forest down killing everything, supposedly including the rabbit.

Finally, the LAPD comes in and comes out a week later with a bear. The bear is yelling, "Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

 

 

 

A man walks up to a bartender and tells him "I bet you $5,000 I can pee into a cup all the way across your bar."

The bartender, knowing this is impossible, agrees. They set it up and the man starts peeing all over the place, missing the cup completely. The bartender gets begins to cheer because he know he just won $5,000.
The man walks over to his friends and comes back to the bartender. He pays the bartender his money with a grin on his face. The bartender asks him "Why are you so happy? You just lost $5,000."

The man replies "I know, but I bet my friends $10,000 dollars that you would cheer while I pee all over the bar."

 

[aum]

I was happy, My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister-in-law called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door.

I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car, My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said,"We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

 

[vitorio]

 

3 hours ago, aum said:

We are very happy that you have passed our little test

😇

Edited April 6, 2019 by vitorio

[Karlston]

A man has finished his life on Earth and rocks up to the Pearly Gates.

 

St. Peter comes out and says, "obviously, we only let the very best of humanity onto this hallowed ground. You must prove to me that you are worth of a place in Heaven."

 

The man thinks for a few seconds and says, "well, there was this time when I saw a bunch of bikies harassing a little old lady. I walked straight up to their leader and punched him right in the face!"

 

St. Peter looks at his clipboard for a while; frowns and says, "hmmm. I can't see that one listed. When did that happen?"

 

The guy answers, "about thirty seconds ago!"

[Disco Bob]

A man goes swimming in the ocean but gets sucked out to sea. A boat passes by him and tells him to climb aboard but he says "I have faith, God will save me."

The Coast Guard comes by with a rescue helicopter and tells him to climb the ladder up, but he says "I have faith, God will save me."

The man is now getting tired but thankfully a dolphin swims under him and starts to carry him to shore, but the man pushes the dolphin away saying "I have faith, God will save me.

The man dies and goes to Heaven. He asks God "Why didn't you save me?"

God replies "I tried! I sent a ship, a helicopter and a dolphin!"

 

 

 

A blonde, brunette, and a red head are stuck on the roof of a house. Fire fighters are holding a blanket for them to jump onto. They tell the brunette to jump to safety. When she jumps they pull the blanket away and she hurts her butt.

Next the fire fighters tell the red head she needs to jump or she'll never get down. She refuses because she is scared they will pull the blanket away. They tell her "It was an accident." So she jumps and they pull the blanket away. She hurts her butt and yells at them.

Finally the blonde gets smart and tells them "I know what you're going to do. Just lay the blanket on the ground and back away."

[Karlston]

[vitorio]

19 hours ago, win10 said:

Finally the blonde gets smart and tells them "I know what you're going to do. Just lay the blanket on the ground and back away."

"Smart" blonde!

[Karlston]

I was out of town on business and was sitting in the lobby when I saw the sign "Free Wi-Fi, see staff for access" so I thought I would check nSane forums.

So I got up and the only staff member I could see was the barman in the practically empty bar, so I walked up to the bar and asked, "Excuse me mate, what's the Wi-Fi password?"

The barman smiled and said "You need to buy a drink first".

OK, I thought a bit early, but never mind so I said "I'll have a schooner of draught thanks".

He poured my drink and I paid for it, then I asked again "what's the Wi-Fi password?"

The barman's smile grew even wider when he said "you need to buy a drink first, all lower case, no spaces".

[Karlston]

[Abacaxi]

Knock! Knock!

Who's there?

Honeybee

Honeybee who?

Honeybee a dear and open the door, please.

[vitorio]

4 hours ago, Karlston said:

I see it as a design of an artist.😇

[Abacaxi]

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Abe.
Abe who?

Abe CDEFJH…