[JOTD] Joke of the day

[Karlston]

Last week, a gang of men posing as maintenance workers, entered police stations all across London during normal business hours, and subsequently nearly all the toilets in London police stations have been stolen.

 

Investigating police have reported they still have nothing to go on.

[vitorio]

1 hour ago, Karlston said:

Investigating police have reported they still have nothing to go on.

This is cruel one.

[Karlston]

Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk...

a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon

 

Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk...

a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate

 

Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...

a) Thanks, but I don't want to come back to your place for a night cap.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't – no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look a fool.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to throw up in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.

[moopster]

A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organization...

 

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket, then I looked around the room and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" 

 

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel is prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift." As luck would have it I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare spoon. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was rather impressed.

 

I noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

 

"Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom." 

 

"How so?" 

 

"See," he continued,"by tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

 

"After you get it out, how do you put it back?" I asked.

 

"Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

[Threepwood]

I just finished a documentary on beavers.
Best dam movie I've ever seen.

 

 

 

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 1 minute all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

 

 

 

I miss going to the store with 1$ as a kid and being able to get a pack of milk, 12 eggs and a lot of candies.
Now they have cameras everywhere...

[Karlston]

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

 

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

 

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

 

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

 

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.."I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

 

"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.

 

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"

 

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

 

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

 

I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."

[moopster]

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. 
"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. 
"I guess it just leaves an impression."
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. 
"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest. 
"Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.
"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"
 

[Karlston]

Alex was feeling unwell and went to see the doctor.

 

Doctor: Well Alex, we've got your test results, and I'm afraid the news isn't good.

Alex: Uh-oh...

Doctor: I'm afraid you have very rare terminal condition. It's incurable, inoperable, and you have about three months to live.

Alex: Is there anything at all you can do to help me?

Doctor: I'm afraid not. All I can do is suggest you get married to an accountant.

Alex: Marry an accountant? but why? will that make me live longer?

Doctor: No, it won't make your life any longer. But it will make it seem longer...

[Karlston]

Sunday morning bonus...

 

There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living.

He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.

He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.

Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.

He made it out, but a single person died.

Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident.

He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution.

When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal.

After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair.

The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened.

The man was perfectly fine.

Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free.

And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train.

Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon.

Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people.

The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.

For his final meal, the man requested two bananas.

After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair.

The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed.

Well, this of course meant that he was free to go.

And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back.

To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people.

And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death.

On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas.

"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now."

Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal.

The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed.

The executioner was speechless.

The man looked at the executioner and said "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

[Karlston]

A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem, so he asked anyone who thought they were stupid to stand up.

 

There was a pause, then slowly, the nicest and smartest kid in the class stood up. The teacher was surprised. He hadn't thought anyone would stand up, least of all this child, and so asked them why they stood up.

 

The student answered, “I didn’t want to leave you standing up by yourself.”

 

---

 

Two Irishmen were waiting at the bus stop when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of turf.

Jimmy said, “I’m gonna do dat when I win da lottery.”

“What's dat den?” asks Mikey.

“Sending me lawn away to be mowed."

[debebee]

Quote

 

A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem, so he asked anyone who thought they were stupid to stand up.

 

There was a pause, then slowly, the nicest and smartest kid in the class stood up. The teacher was surprised. She hadn't thought anyone would stand up, least of all this child, and so asked him why he stood up.

 

The student answered, “I didn’t want to leave you standing up by yourself.”

 



 

proper pronouns makes better sense.. 

 

Also don't conductors issue tickets? its the engineer that drives the trains

Edited March 25, 2019 by teodz1984

[Karlston]

You're quite right, well spotted. I hadn't noticed that in the first sentence "A teacher wanted to teach her students..." so the teacher is female, but later in the same sentence is "so he asked anyone...", now the teacher is male. Hmmm...

 

Yes, conductors just issue and check tickets, they don't drive trains. You're thinking too hard about the joke, it wouldn't be quite as funny if it ended "I'm just a bad engineer.".

 

I admire your attention to detail.

[booboo]

Knock knock.

 

Who’s there?

 

Cow says.

 

Cow says who?

 

No, a cow says mooooo!

[Karlston]

I phoned my wife earlier. "I'm just setting off from work, do you want me to pick up fish and chips on my way home?"

 

It was met with a stony silence. I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

 

---

 

Man and wife are shopping. Man sticks 12 beer cans into the trolley,

 

Wife: "What do you think you're doing?"

 

Man: "They're on special, $10 for 12 cans"

 

Wife: "Put them back. We can't afford it!"

 

They carry on shopping. A few aisles later, wife picks up $20 Jar of face cream, and sticks it in the trolley.

 

Man: "What do you think you're doing?"

 

Wife: It's face cream, it makes me look beautiful."

 

Man: "SO DOES 12 CANS OF BEER, AND IT'S HALF THE PRICE!"

 

And that's how the fight started...

[Abacaxi]

Knock, Knock.

Who`s there ?

Butter !

Butter who ?

I Butter nut tell you !...

[Karlston]

A wealthy couple were having a meal in a fancy restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman walked in and paused at their table to give the husband a deep kiss.

 

When she left the wife asked who she was and the husband told her that she was his mistress.

 

With that the wife demanded that he get rid of her immediately or she would divorce him.

 

He said that he wouldn't get rid of her, and before she made any rash decisions she should think about the big house, pool, sauna, Merc and her spending money.

 

Deep in thought she noticed a friend Bob at another table and asked her husband who was his dinner companion. The husband said that she was Bob's mistress.

 

The wife thought for a moment, then said, "Our mistress is much prettier than Bob's."

 

---

 

Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

 

After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.

 

As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

 

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.

 

He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

 

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.

They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

 

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.

 

To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

[vitorio]

9 hours ago, Karlston said:

To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

This things happens, and he missed it, for been in the furniture business.😇

Edited March 27, 2019 by vitorio

[Karlston]

If you are a senior you will understand this one;

If you deal with seniors, this should help you understand them a little better, and if you are not a senior yet, God willing, someday you will be...

 

Senior's Breakfast The 2.99 Special

 

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was Two eggs, bacon, hash browns And toast for $2.99..

 

'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs..'

 

'Then, I'll have to charge you $3.49 because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her.

 

'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously.

 

'YES!' stated the waitress..

'I'll take the special then,' my wife said..

 

'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.

 

'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied.

She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.

[Disco Bob]

Two sisters, one is blonde and one is brunette, are trying to start a farm. The brunette sister finds a prized bull in the classified and leaves to check it out. She tells the blonde that she will contact her to come haul the bull back to the farm if she decides to buy it.

The brunette goes to the farm and decides to buy it. The farmer tells her that the bull will cost exactly $599, no less. So she buys the bull and heads to town to contact her sister. The only person she can find to help her is a telegraph operator.

The operator tells her "It costs 99 cents per word, what would you like to send?"

The brunette replies "Well I only have $1 left." She thinks for a while and tells the operator she wants to send the word 'comfortable.'

The operator asks "How will she know you bought the bull and want her to bring the haul from the word comfortable?"

The blonde replies "She's a slow reader."

 

 

 

A Nobel Prize winning mathematician is travelling from university to university on a speaking tour by limousine. After several engagements the mathematician and his driver are having dinner and the driver says "I've heard your speech so many times I think I could give it word-for-word." The mathematician accepts the challenge and they switch places for the next speech; the driver dresses like the professor and the professor dresses as the driver and sits in the back of the auditorium.

The driver gives the speech flawlessly and opens up the floor for question, usually there are none. But one of the students at the university has a very large ego and decides to attempt to stump the Nobel Prize winner. After the student asks his question for ten straight minutes the driver laughs and says "That question is so simple I'll let my driver in the back answer it."

[Abacaxi]

Q: What did the baby Egyptian say when he got lost?

A: I want my mummy.

 

[moopster]

Why is it always a bad idea to iron a four-leaf clover?
Because you should never press your luck.

[Karlston]

A customs officer at the Mexican border noticed a man coming across one day on a bicycle with two small sacks tied to the handlebars. He naturally got suspicious and asked him to open the sacks, but when he did he found nothing but sand.

 

This went on every day for the next month. Each time he'd stop the bicycle and open the sacks, and he'd find only sand.

 

A few years later, he ran into the biker in a restaurant in Tijuana. After some small talk he said, "Come on, I know you were smuggling something all that time. I won't tell, I'm just curious, what was it?"

 

The other man said, "Bicycles."

[Karlston]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

 

"What are you doing?" she asked.

 

"Hunting flies" he responded.

 

"Oh!  Killing any?" she asked.

 

"Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied.

 

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

 

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

 

---

 

An elderly gentleman walks into an upmarket cocktail lounge.

 

He's in his 80's, very well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of expensive aftershave. Very debonair.

 

Seated at the bar is an elderly, really classy looking lady.

 

The gentleman walks over and sits alongside her. He orders a drink. He takes a sip.

 

He turns to her slowly and says "So, tell me, do I come here often?"

[Disco Bob]

A man goes out with his friends for the night. Before he leaves he tells his wife, "I promise I will be home by midnight."

Midnight comes and goes. He finally arrives home at about 3 AM. As he walks in he realizes the cuckoo clock is about to go off. As it begins to go off he has a flash of genius and decides to coo another 9 times. He sneaks in to bed satisfied with himself.

The next morning he wakes up and his wife has breakfast made. She doesn't seem to be mad. Satisfied with himself he asks her, "You sleep okay last night?"

She replies, "Yeah, but we need a cuckoo clock."

He asks her why and she tells him, "Last night it cooed 3 times. Then it yelled, 'Crap!' It cooed another 6 times and giggled a little bit. Finally it cooed 3 more times, farted, and tripped on the carpet."

 

 

 

 

A first grade teacher tells her class that she is American and asks them to raise their hands if they are American.

All of their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks, except one girl named Kristen. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

"Because I am not an American," the girl responds.

"Then," asks the teacher, "What are you?"

"I'm a proud Canadian," boasts the little girl.

The teacher is a little annoyed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian.

"Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I'm a Canadian too."

The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason. What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"

"Well," says Kristen, "I'd be an American."

[Abacaxi]

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: "The driver just insulted me."

The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."