[JOTD] Joke of the day

[doctoru30]

Cowards In History

A man went into a bookstore and complained...
“I bought this book from you yesterday, 'Cowards in History' and all the pages fell out!"
The sales assistant said, “That’s because it has no spine.”

[Threepwood]

This man at the gym just proposed and she said no.
Well, that didn't workout.

 

 

 

A friend asked me how my long distance relation ship was going...
So far, so good.

 

 

 

 

I wanted to impress my crush, so I told her about my millionaire dad.
Now she is my mom.

Edited March 7, 2019 by Threepwood

[Karlston]

19 hours ago, vitorio said:

Have to wait until the end to know what happened when the angel brought the tree present to Santa.

Other jokes, since the beginning you know what is going to happen at the end of the story.

This a good one.

 

I too like the ones that you have to wait until the end for the punchline.

 

This one I posted a while ago goes one better, not the last line, but the last word is what makes it funny...

 

 

[Karlston]

Hello, is this the Police?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the Police descend on Billy’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy and left The phone rings at Billy's house: "Hey, Billy Bob! Did the Police come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Merry Christmas, Buddy"

 

---

 

A duck walks into a post office and asks the man behind the counter: 'Do you have any corn?' The man answers politely: 'No, we don't sell corn here.'

 

The next day, the duck returns and asks again: 'Do you have any corn?' Annoyed, the man replies: 'No! We don't sell corn.'

 

This goes on for a few more days until finally, when the duck asks 'Do you have any corn?', the man is so upset he yells: 'NO! For the last time, WE DON'T SELL CORN, and if you ask me again I'll nail your beak to the counter!'

 

The next day, the duck returns and asks: 'Do you have any nails?' The man answers: 'No.' Then the duck asks: 'Do you have any corn?

[moopster]

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
 

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
 

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
 

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

[Threepwood]

My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex.
My girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.

 

 

 

I was out shopping tonight, when I saw a new brand of condoms called, "Olympic." Trying to get in to the spirit of things, I bought a pack and when I got home, I sprinted in singing the Olympic theme song and proudly showed them to my wife...
"Olympic condoms!?" she asked. "What makes them so special? Are we only going to use them once every four years?!"

Chuckling, I replied, "No,no! You see, there are three colors, Gold, Silver and Bronze!"

"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asked cheekily.

"Gold of course!" I said proudly.

She retorted, "Really?! Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!"

[Threepwood]

It was Mike the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

 

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

 

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

 

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

 

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."
He said, "Screw him, give him a dollar."
The lady then added, "The breakfast was my idea."

[Threepwood]

I've just bought a book about Feng Shui, but I can't decide where to put it.

 

 

 

I put Adderall into my Ford Fiesta.
Now it’s a Ford Focus.

 

 

 

On my first day in prison my cellmate said to me:
"If you ever come close to me, I'll skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."

"Great." I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."

Edited March 8, 2019 by Threepwood

[Karlston]

Q: If someone from the 1950s stepped out of their time machine and you were the first person they met, what would be the most difficult thing to explain to them about life in the current day and age?

 

A: I posses a device, which fits in my pocket and just about fits into the palm of my hand, that is capable of almost instantly accessing just about any part of the entirety of information known to man.

 

I use this device to look at funny pictures of cats and to get into pointless arguments with complete strangers.

[moopster]

I told my boss that three companies were after me, so I needed a raise in pay to stay with the current job. 
 

He asked which companies? 
 

I told him gas, electric, and cable.
 

...

 

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife... she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."

Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, "Better think it over... women like that are hard to find."
 

[Threepwood]

Dave was bragging to his boss one day...

"You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"

Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.

 

"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.

"President Trump," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go.

At the White House, Trump spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

 

"Pope Francis," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.

Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

 

Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out onto the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'"

[Threepwood]

I wanted to write a movie script about a retired CIA agent who has to rely on his old skills to save his kidnapped daughter, but that idea was taken.
So I thought instead I'd write a script about a retired CIA operative who is taken hostage along with his wife in Istanbul, but that idea was taken, too.

 

 

Girls used to call me ugly until they found out how much money I make.
Now they also call me poor.

 

[Karlston]

A man came home from work and found his 3 children outside, still in their pyjamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn around garden. The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house and no sign of the dog.

 

Walking in the door, he found …an even bigger mess.

 

A lamp had been knocked over, the throw rug was against one wall. In the front room the TV was on loudly with the cartoon channel, the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

 

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter.

The fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife.

 

He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.

 

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

 

Rushing to the bedroom, he at last found his wife, curled up in the bed, still in her pyjamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled sweetly, and asked how his day had been.

 

He looked at her bewildered and asked, ‘What happened here today!?’

 

She again smiled and answered, ‘You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world do I do all day?

 

”Yes,” was his incredulous reply.

 

She answered, ‘Well, today I didn’t do it.’

[Threepwood]

There were 3 men, they were best friends, and they were quite unhealthy. Their names were Bert, Chester, and Earl.

 

They were actually really unhealthy and Bert decided that he needed to take charge of him and his friends' health. He decided that they were going to be on a diet together to help them live for as long as possible. He broke the news to his friends, and they weren't too happy about it, but they decided to go along with it anyways, because they knew how out-of-shape they all were. It was tough for them all to stick to the plan at times, however they got through it together. They each lost between 120-140 pounds over the course of 20 years and were in amazing shape for their age.

 

One day the 3 of them were given great news.

Bert got a call, he answered it, then turned around to everyone and said: "Guys! My daughter just had a child! I'm going to be a grandpa!".

 

Everybody was celebrating for Bert when Earl got a call from his son. He answered it, and turned around to everybody and said: "Guys! My son is going to get married today! I'm so excited!".

 

Everybody was now celebrating for Bert and Earl, when Chester got a call. He answered it, turned around and said to everybody: "Guys! My family is having a reunion today! I'm going to see so many people that I haven't seen in years!".

 

They found out that the wedding, hospital, and park where the reunion was were all in the same town, and decided to carpool together to get there. It had snowed a little the day before and the roads were a little icy. As they were getting onto the highway, their car slipped and ran into a semi-truck. It killed all three of them.

 

The three of them wake up together in heaven. They notice an angel standing over them and one of them asks "Where are we?". The angels says: "Congratulations, you made it to heaven".

 

The angel decides to show them around the place and starts at a banquet. "Here is a banquet for you three to enjoy, you've earned it". Chester looks a little sad, and Earl notices and asks him, "What's wrong?". Chester finally speaks up, "Okay, this is so nice of you to put together, but we're on a diet. I wouldn't want to overdo my calorie intake for the day". The angel replies to them, "No worries, you can have as much food as you like without worrying about it". The guys are elated by that news, when the angel decides to show them another place.

 

Next, the angel decides to show them a place where they can spend time having fun. He shows them to a massive building with games everywhere you look. There are at least 50 pool tables, 30 bowling alley lanes, people are playing poker, there are arcade games everywhere, and tons of people enjoying themselves. He tells them, "This is where you may spend much of your time, if you choose. Many people enjoy it here and you might find some new friends".

 

The guys really like this room, but Earl notices that Chester is looking sad again. Earls asks him, "What's wrong?". Chester responds with, "My wife left me because of my gambling problems, I don't want to disappoint anyone else because of it. I'm afraid I wont be able to enjoy this area". The angel then slightly irritated lets him know, "Don't you see? There are no problems here. You don't have to worry about gambling issues, because money isn't an issue here". Chester is especially happy to hear that news, and the angel decides to show them where they are going to live.

 

The angel finally takes them to the third place, and it is a huge mansion. The guys are led inside, when the angel says, "This is where you three can live, if you choose to. Otherwise we have some other mansions, if you want to live alone". The guys are very intrigued by the house, they notice a big window on a wall with an amazing view. They could see for at least 5 miles clearly. They all can't help but gasp when looking through the window.

 

Earl can't help but be concerned about this place. He decides to ask, "So, uh... What's the rent here?". The angel looks back at them with an irritated glare and replies "Nothing! It's free". Earl is sure to thank the angel and says, "Wow! That's so kind of you guys!". Bert notices that Chester is looking a little sad. Bert says, "What's wrong Chester? Isn't it amazing here?". Chester looks up, looks Bert in the eye and says a little mad, "If it weren't for your goddamn diet, we could've been here 20 years ago!".

Edited March 10, 2019 by Threepwood

[Abacaxi]

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cheese.
Cheese who?
Cheese a nice girl.

[moopster]

An attorney got home late one evening after a very frustrating day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named Clarence Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the state governor had been denied and he was feeling tired and depressed. As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, "What time of night do you call this? Why didn't you call if you were going to be late? What am I supposed to do with your cold dinner? Where the hell have you been?" and so on.
 

Too upset to even respond to her harangue, he poured himself a very large whisky and headed off to the bathroom for a long hot soak. He could still hear her continuing diatribe until he closed the bathroom door. While he was in the bath the phone rang. The wife answered to be told that Wright, her husband's client, had been granted a stay of execution. She went upstairs to give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's posterior as he was bent over naked cleaning the tub.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

The attorney turned his head and said wearily "My God, woman, don't you ever stop?"

[Abacaxi]

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Justin time for dinner.

[Karlston]

Pensioner's reply re Coles Shopping. (Coles is an Australian supermarket chain)

 

Yesterday I was at my local Coles store buying a large Bag of Pedigree dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

 

What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Pedigree Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

 

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Pedigree nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

 

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

 

I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.

 

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

 

I'm now banned from Coles.

[Disco Bob]

The Marriage

Paula, a mother was anxiously awaiting her daughter Janet's plane to land. Janet had just come back from abroad trying to find adventure during her gap year. As Janet was exiting the plane, Paula noticed a man directly behind her daughter dressed in feathers with exotic markings all over his body and carrying a shrunken head. Janet introduced this man as her new husband.

Paula gasped out loud in disbelief and disappointment and screamed, 'I said for you to marry a rich Doctor .... a rich Doctor!'

Marriage Two

Husband: Sweetheart, would you say that I'm the only man you've ever loved?
Wife: Of course you are. Why do all men ask me the same silly question?

After the Honeymoon

Rupert and Elaine, a young couple, got married and went happily on their honeymoon.

When they got back, Elaine immediately 'phoned her mother and her mother obviously asked, 'How was the honeymoon, dearest?'

'Oh, Ma,' she replied, 'the honeymoon was wonderful. So romantic...'

Then Elaine burst out crying. 'But, Ma, as soon as we returned home Rupert started using the most ghastly language... saying things I've never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please Ma.'

'Calm down, Elaine!,' said her mother, 'Tell me, what could be so awful?  What 4-letter words?'

Still sobbing, Elaine whispered, 'Oh, Ma...words like dust, wash, cook, and iron.'

Going To Church

I didn't see you in church last Sunday, Perkins. I hear you were out playing football instead.

'That's not true, Vicar.  And I've got the fish to prove it.'

 

 

• The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
• The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.
• The Washington Post is read by people who think they ought to run the country.
• USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't understand The Washington Post.
• The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time.
• The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.
• The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country.
• The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country, as long as they do something scandalous.
• The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country, or that a country is a good idea in the first place.
• The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country.
• The Chicago Tribune is read by people who live in the Midwest, which readers of the other newspapers don't think is part of the country.

 

 

House Buying: A Humorous Tale

The building is all completed and awaiting hand over, before that can happen the Alex wants some poor and incomplete work finished as is normal at these times.

A meeting is arranged between Alex, the main contractor and a sub-contractor, site agent, planning supervisor and site safety manager. A tour is planned of the building to look at relevant defects starting on ground floor. Alex points out badly fitting window frames, the site agent makes some notes and the sub-contractor goes to the window and shouts,

'Green side up.'

They move to the first floor and Alex points out badly fitted and missing lights, the site agent makes some notes and the sub-contractor goes to the window and shouts,

'Green side up.'

On the 2nd floor more problems are highlighted, radiator leaking, exposed cables, waste and broken window frame, the site agent makes some notes and the sub-contractor goes to the window and shouts,

'Green side up.'

This is too much. The safety manager has to ask. So he says, 'Every time you are told a defect tell, you write it down, but then the subbie yells out the window

'Green side up.' What on earth does that mean?'

The sub-contractor shakes his head ruefully and says, 'I have four blokes laying turf around the building.'

Sotheby's Auction, London: An Amusing Anecdote

The bidding was proceeding furiously and strong when the Head Auctioneer suddenly announced, 'A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing ten thousand pounds. If returned, he will pay a reward of two thousand pounds.

There was a moment's silence in the auction house and from the back of the room came a shout, 'Two thousand five hundred.'

 

 

A Good Joke About a Husband

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant.  Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, 'Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.'

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, 'No he didn't.  He just walked in the door.'

 

COP JOKE
Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit. A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The cop says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going?"

The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in."

The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, "Were you the one being robbed?"

The man casually replies, "No, I committed the robbery."

The cop looks shocked that the man admitted this. "So you're telling me you were speeding...AND committed a robbery?"

"Yes," the man calmly says. "I have the loot in the back."

The cop begins to get angry. "Sir, I'm afraid you have to come with me." The cop reaches in the window to subdue the man.

"Don't do that!" the man yells fearfully. "I'm scared you will find the gun in my glove compartment!" The cop pulls his hand out. "Wait here," he says.

The cop calls for backup. Soon cops, cars, and helicopters are flooding the area. The man is cuffed quickly and taken towards a car. However, before he gets in, a cop walks up to him and says, while gesturing to the cop that pulled him over, "Sir, this officer informed us that you had committed a robbery, had stolen loot in the trunk of your car, and had a loaded gun in your glove compartment. However, we found none of these things in your car."

The man replies, "Yeah, and I bet that liar said I was speeding too!"

Edited March 10, 2019 by win10

[moopster]

A fellow goes to a tool store to buy a chainsaw. The dealer sells him the top-of-the-line model, saying that it would cut through 100 trees in one day.

The fellow takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After working for 3 hours he only cut 2 trees. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two trees?" he asks himself.
 

The next morning he gets up at 4 am and cuts until bedtime, but still only manages to cut five trees.
 

The very next day the fellow brings the chainsaw back to the store and says the saw doesn't work properly.
 

"Hmm, it looks okay," says the dealer, and starts the chainsaw.
 

The fellow jumps back, startled, and cries, "What's that noise?"

[leapinlizards]

Always love a good joke.

 

keep em coming !

 

:)

[Abacaxi]

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Hatch.

Hatch who?

God bless you.

[Karlston]

A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?'

Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat.'

'What does that mean?' asked the child.

'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'

The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.'

He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.'

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash..

Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?'

 

The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'

[Disco Bob]

The Wonderful Husband🐰.... Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: 'Hello' WOMAN: 'Honey, 🐝it's me... R u at the club?' MAN: 'Yes'😍 WOMAN: 'I'm at the City Centre mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000 Is it OK if I buy it?' MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you really like it.'😘 WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2013 Models. I saw one 🚗 I really liked.' MAN: 'How much?' WOMAN: '$98,000' MAN: 'OK, but for that price make sure it comes with all the options.' WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing, the house 🏡I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking for $980,000/-.' MAN: 'well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, go the extra 50 thousand if you think it's really a pretty good price.' WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much! You’re so generous!' MAN: “You’re worth it. 'Bye!' The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, with mouths wide open 😧 The man turns and asks "Anybody knows whose phone📱 this is?"

[moopster]

Bill: Where did you get that gold watch Joe?
Joe: I won it in a race.
Bill: How many people participated in it?
Joe: Three; a policeman, the owner of the watch, and me!