[JOTD] Joke of the day

[NEW123]

A man to a psychiatrist: “How do you select who should be admitted to your facility?” 

The psychiatrist replies: “We fill a bathtub with water and give the person a spoon, a cup and a bucket. Then we ask that person to empty the bathtub.” 

The man smiles: “Ah, I understand, if you are sane you would take the bucket.” 

The Psychiatrist replies: “No, a sane guy pulls the plug. Do you want a room with or without a balcony?”
 

 

 

Edited November 18, 2018 by NEW123

[NEW123]

I got a really cute dog and called him Threemiles.

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It sounds great to say I walk Threemiles twice a day.

Edited November 18, 2018 by NEW123

[nir]

Having been married ten years and still living in an apartment, the wife would often complain about anything, as she was tired of saving every penny to buy a "dream home".

 

Trying to placate her, the husband found a new apartment, within their budget. However, after the first week, she began complaining again.

 

"Johnatahan," she said, "I don't like this place at all. There are no curtains in the bathroom. The neighbors can see me every time I take a bath."

 

"Don't worry." replied her husband. "If the neighbors do see you, they'll buy curtains...."

[nir]

"Grandma, how long have you and Grandpa been married?" asked young Nina.

"Fifty years," Grandma replied.

"That is so wonderful," exclaimed Nina. "And I bet in all that time, you never once thought about divorce, right?"

"Right Nina. Divorce, NEVER. Murder, lots of times, but never divorce."

[nir]

After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.

"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"

"Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit".

Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.

"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13.."

[nir]

Many years ago, a beloved Pope died and went to heaven.

 

Saint Peter greeted him in a firm embrace. "Welcome your holiness, your dedication and unselfishness in serving your fellow man during your life has earned you great stature in heaven. You may pass through the gates without delay and are granted free access to all parts of heaven."St. Peter continued: "You are also granted an open-door policy and may, at your own discretion, meet with any heavenly leader including the Father, without prior appointment. Is there anything which your holiness desires?"

 

"Well, yes," the Pope replied. "I have often pondered some of the mysteries which have puzzled and confounded theologians through the ages. Are there perhaps any transcripts which recorded the actual conversations between God and the prophets of old? I would love to see what was actually said, without the dimming of memories over time."

 

St. Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the heavenly library and explained how to retrieve the various documents. The Pope was thrilled and settled down to review the history of humanity's relationship with God.

 

Two years later, a scream of anguish pierced the quiet of the library. Immediately several of the saints and angels came running. They found the Pope pointing to a single word on a parchment, repeating over and over: "There's an 'R'. There's an 'R.' There's an 'R'... It's CELIBRATE, not celibate!"

[nir]

After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven.

 

While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her. "Hello!" "How are you? We've been waiting for you!" "Good to see you!"

 

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"

 

"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her. "Which word?" the woman asked."Love."

 

The woman correctly spelled love, and Saint Peter welcomed her into heaven.

 

About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.

 

While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

 

"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

 

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?" 

 

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him. "Which word?" her husband asked.

 

"Czechoslovakia."

[nir]

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his cheek.

"I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in at six o'clock in the morning?"

"There is." he replied, "Breakfast."

[Karlston]

A fellow goes into a body spare parts shop, and asks to see their range of brains.

 

He's shown three different types. Doctors' brains are $1,000/kg, lawyers' brains are $2,000/kg, and politicians' brains a whopping $1,000,000/kg.

 

He asks why the heck politicians' brains are so much more expensive than doctors' and lawyers' brains.

 

The shop assistant answers "Have you any idea of how many politicians' brains it takes to make a kilo?"

[Karlston]

A circus is touring deepest, darkest Africa when they're captured by a tribe of cannibals.

 

A clown is selected to become the first meal, and a stew is prepared.

 

When it's served, one cannibal takes a quick taste, screws up his nose, turns to another and asks "Does this taste funny to you?"

[Karlston]

A fellow hires an Irish painter and tells him to paint the porch behind the house.

 

A couple of hours later the painter returns and tells the fellow the job is done and adds "By the way, it wasn't a Porch, it was a Merkedes."

[nir]

A story is told of a Jewish man who was riding on the subway reading an Arab newspaper. A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader.

"Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?"

 

Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper.

 

Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!"

[nir]

A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"

"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.

"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.

The officer grinned and added, "Did you ever catch all the fish?"

[Karlston]

The President of Honda Motor Corporation is giving a presentation to the senior staff when all of a sudden an involuntary fart escapes with a very loud “Honda” sound.

 

He’s embarrassed but continues. The same thing happens twice more during the presentation and he decides to later visit the company doctor.

 

He explains to the doctor about the farts and how they are always accompanied by a very loud “Honda” sound.

 

The old experienced doctor immediately suggests that he has an abscess in his mouth, and confirms that after having a look.

 

The Honda president is nonplussed and asks how in the world an oral abscess could affect the other end of the digestive tract.

 

The doctor answers “There is old saying… abscess makes the fart go ‘Honda’".

[Karlston]

Probably an urban myth, but makes for a good story...

 

Back in the days of the Walkman and the DiscMan, the Sony CEO is being shown a multi-million dollar prototype of the latest miniaturisation miracle to come out of the Sony labs.

 

He listens patiently to the presentation and then, when asked for his opinion, and much to the horror of the developers, he grabs the expensive prototype and drops it into a bucket of water. He points and says "See those bubbles? You can make it smaller!"

[debebee]

Wasn't that a Steve Jobs joke?

https://www.cultofmac.com/303469/steve-jobs-drowned-first-ipod-prototype/

 

Quote

Why Steve Jobs drowned the first iPod prototype

BY JOHN BROWNLEE • 6:20 AM, NOVEMBER 18, 2014

• NEWS

The first iPod. Steve Jobs drowned this to make a point. Photo: Grant Hutchison/Flickr CC 

Every once in a while an anecdote comes along that so perfectly describes the late Steve Jobs’ vision, that it’s a perfect metaphor for Apple as a whole. This might be my favorite of those anecdotes.

 

 

Originally posted on Quora by ex-Apple employee Amit Chaudhary, here’s a story about how Jobs got his engineers to slim down the original iPod:

When engineers working on the very first iPod completed the prototype, they presented their work to Steve Jobs for his approval. Jobs played with the device, scrutinized it, weighed it in his hands, and promptly rejected it. It was too big.

The engineers explained that they had to reinvent inventing to create the iPod, and that it was simply impossible to make it any smaller. Jobs was quiet for a moment. Finally he stood, walked over to an aquarium, and dropped the iPod in the tank. After it touched bottom, bubbles floated to the top.

“Those are air bubbles,” he snapped. “That means there’s space in there. Make it smaller.”

Anyone tempted to drop their iPhone in a tank of water to see if Jobs’ maxim against wasted space still applies?

 

[debebee]

Also add walksmans and disk,ams cannot go smaller because of the media they play..

i.e the cd and the Philips cassette. 

 

 

Also these devices were never meant o be dunked in the water...

 

[nir]

A Jewish man goes and visits a Rabbi about a personal concern of his."Rabbi," he says, "I am so upset about my son, I don't know what to do. I raised him a good Jew, taught him the Torah, and instructed him about the Sabbath. Well, I just learned at this last Passover that he converted to Catholicism. Please tell me what I should do to reason with him!"

 

The Rabbi answers: "Funny you should mention this. The exact same thing happened to my son. I taught him everything I know to make him follow in my footsteps and become a good Rabbi like me, and the next thing I know, he converted to Catholicism and became a Priest! I truly don't know what to tell you: maybe we should ask Yahweh for some insights."

 

To two men started praying: "Yahweh, G-d almighty, Creator of the Universe, please come to our rescue. Our firstborn sons have converted to Catholicism! What should we do?"

 

A thundering voice responds: "WELL, TELL ME ABOUT IT!!"

[Karlston]

In windy Chicago, in a bar on the top level of a tall skyscraper, two fellows are standing drinking beers near an open window.

 

One tells the other that because of the closeness of the nearby skyscraper, the winds create a powerful updraft outside. He adds that anyone jumping out of this window would only fall about 100 metres before the updraft brings them straight back up, and through the window safely.

 

The other has barely time to call BS before the first leaps out the window. He watches in terror as the first plummets to certain death, then sees them slow, stop, and rise back up and deposited gently back inside.

 

He’s amazed and eager to try, so after some coaxing from the first, leaps out and plummets, and plummets, and plummets, and SPLAT.

 

The bartender has been listening and keeping an eye on them, and he wanders over to the remaining fellow and says “You’re a nasty piece of work when you’ve had a few, Superman!

 

 

[nir]

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids.

 

After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"

He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."

[nir]

An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man with spiked hair came over and sat down beside him. The boy's hair was bright yellow and green with orange tips, and he had blue makeup around his eyes.

 

The old man kept looking at him. The boy said, "What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?"

The old man answered, "Well yes, actually, I have. I got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."

[nir]

An African leader makes an official trip to Russia. As he's leaving, the Russian leader tells him that in Russia they have a farewell custom called "Russian Roulette", to demonstrate one's courage.

 

The Russian whips out a revolver, loads one chamber, gives the cylinder a spin, puts the gun to his head and pulls the trigger...click...empty chamber.

He hands the revolver to his African guest and says," Your turn." Not to be outdone, the African repeats the ritual... click....empty.

The next year, the Russian visits the African country.

 

As he's leaving, the African tells him that he was very impressed with "Russian Roulette" and that he has devised an African ritual to demonstrate one's courage.

The African then disappears through a door, only to reappear a few minutes later smiling and says, "Your turn."

The African escorts the Russian through the door. In the room are 6 of the most beautiful, naked women he has ever seen. The African explains that he is to choose 1 of the women, who will perform oral sex on him.

 

Absolutely dumbfounded, the Russian asks, "What kind of test of courage is this?"

 

The African calmly answers, "One of them is a cannibal."

[nir]

"It's no use. Art doesn't listen to me," said a little boy who was praying for a new bike."

 

Art who?" asked the boy's mother."

 

Art in heaven," came the reply.

[Karlston]

Operator: 911. What is your emergency?

Responder: My wife's going into labour, I don't know what to do.

Operator: Is this her first baby?

 

Responder: No, this is her husband.

Edited December 1, 2018 by Karlston

[Karlston]

A fellow playing golf notices an altercation on the next green between an Arab and a bunch of thugs.

 

He grabs a 1-wood and rushes to the Arab's aid, quickly fighting off the thugs.

 

The Arab introduces himself as a rich oil baron and, seeing the badly dented 1-wood of his rescuer, offers to buy him a brand new set of expensive golf clubs.

 

A few days later the fellow receives a call from the Arab's executive assistant telling him that a new set of golf clubs has been purchased for him, and apologises that due to the short time available to buy them, only some have swimming pools.