[JOTD] Joke of the day

[Vdogeek]

Judge: “Why did you steal the car?” 

Man: “I had to get to work.”
 
Judge: “Why didn’t you take the bus?”

Man: I don’t have a driver’s license for the bus.

[kenzhin]

Camel!

 

An old man finds a condom in his grandson’s apartment and asks what it is.

“It’s a condom,” replies the grandson, sheepishly.

“What do you use it for?” asks Grandpa.

The grandson is embarrassed, so he says, “I use it to keep my cigarettes dry when I smoke in the rain.”

Grandpa says, “That’s a great idea.” He goes to the drug store and asks the pharmacist for a condom.

“What size would you like?” asks the pharmacist.

“Big enough to fit a Camel.”

 

 

[Vdogeek]

Peter comes very drunk home late at night. He wakes his sleeping wife: “Emily wake up! You know what just happened!?”
-
“No”, she replies sleepily.
-
“I went to the toilet and the light switched on all by itself. And when I went out of there, the light switched off again without me having to do anything. I think I’m getting super powers!” 
-
Emily replies groans: “Oh no, Peter! You pig, you just peed into the fridge again!!!”

[kenzhin]

My Birthday!

 

Why did I get divorced?

Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn’t wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn’t wish me a happy birthday.

As I entered my office, my secretary said, “Happy birthday, boss!”

I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, “Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?”

“Okay,” I said.

She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, “SURPRISE!!!” while I was waiting on the sofa… naked.

 

 

[Vdogeek]

Father: “Son, you were adopted.”
 
Son: “What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!”
 
Father: “We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.”

 

[kenzhin]

I'm a Man!

 

Me: Say “I am a man” after everything I say.

Friend: Alright.

Me: You broke up with your girlfriend.

Friend: I am a man.

Me: You decided to get drunk.

Friend: I am a man.

Me: You went to the bar.

Friend: I am a man.

Me: You found a hot chick there.

Friend: I am a man.

Me: You invited her to your house and she said yes.

Friend: I am a man.

Me: You both came into your room and had sex.

Friend: I am a man.

Me: Next morning you wake up.

Friend: I am a man.

Me: And she says…

Friend: I am a man.

 

 

Why Not Thursday!

 

A man joins the navy and is shipped out immediately to an aircraft carrier in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. The captain is showing the new recruit around the ship, when the recruit asks the captain what the sailors do to satisfy their urges when they’re at sea for so long.

“Let me show you,” says the captain.

He takes the recruit down to the rear of the ship where there’s a solitary barrel with a hole in it.

“This’ll be the best s.x you’ll ever have. Go ahead and try it, and I’ll give you some privacy.”

The recruit doesn’t quite believe it, but he decides to try it anyway. After he finishes up, the captain returns.

“Wow! That was the best s.x I’ve ever had! I want to do it every day!”

“Fine. You can do it every day except for Thursday.”

“Why not Thursday?”

“That’s your day in the barrel.”

 

 

[kenzhin]

Windows 10 1709 Fall Creators Update!

 

.. Configuring update for Windows 10 .. 100% .. Do not turn off your computer"

 

... Restarting ...

 

... Working on updates. Don't turn off your pc. You PC will restart several times

 

I end up with a BSOD... HAHAHA...

[kenzhin]

VIP here I come.... ops, not so fast, 650 more post to go... this will take me a lifetime. 

[kenzhin]

Some Things You Just Can't Explain!

 

A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk. A man came in and asked the farmer,

“Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?”

The farmer shook his head and replied,

“Some things you just can’t explain.”

“So what happened that’s so horrible?” the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.

“Well,” the farmer said, “today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket.”

“Okay,” said the man, “but that’s not so bad.” “Some things you just can’t explain,” the farmer replied. “So what happened then?” the man asked. The farmer said, “I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.”

“And then?”

“Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.”

The man laughed and said, “Again?” The farmer replied, “Some things you just can’t explain.” “So, what did you do then?” the man asked.

“I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.”

“And then?”

“Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.”

“Hmmm,” the man said and nodded his head. “Some things you just can’t explain,” the farmer said.

“So, what did you do?” the man asked.

“Well,” the farmer said, “I didn’t have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in… Some things you just can’t explain.”

 

 

[jiski]

Poor English In The Prison

 

A prison governor is appalled by the poor standard of English used by the inmates of his prison. To rectify this problem he decides to employ a teacher from the local grammar school to set up remedial English classes.

In the first lesson, the teacher explains that she is going to start with the basics.

"Who knows what always comes after a sentence?" she asks.

All the prisoners answer together, "The appeal!"

[lurch234]

[kenzhin]

Ticket Excuse!

 

A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit.  He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. 

He thinks “I can outrun this guy,” so he floors it and the race is on.  The cars are racing down the highway — 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures he can’t outrun the cop and gives up.  He pulls over to the curb.

The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says “Listen mister, I’ve had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home.  Give me a good excuse and I’ll let you go.”

The man thought for a moment and said, “Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer.  When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give her back to me!

 

 

[jiski]

Poor English:

 

Cydu: How many languages can you speak?

 

Helena: 5, English, German, French, Italian and Chinese.

Ivan: only 3, Russian, German and English.

Cydu: 1.5, one Chinese and half English.

 

 

[jiski]

Osheetabazhow

 

The japanese caddy (some mild profanity)

 

A friend was in Japan on business. On one day, the company he was visiting took him out for a round of golf. Although he was not a good golfer, he loved to play. Everytime he hit a bad shot, his caddy would bow and say "Osheetabazhow".

He was really impressed with their politeness and especially that of the caddy despite his poor play. On the back nine, after a poor shot and the caddy again bowed and said "osheetabazhow", his curiosity got the better of him and he asked his host about the caddy's expression.

The host replied that he was saying, in poor English, "Oh shit! Too bad, Joe.".

 

A Japanese expression meaning cooperation - "Yotamashu, atayushu" (translation "You tie my shoe, I tie your shoe")

 

[Wolfano]

On the eve of the marketing campaign for his new invention, Apple president Steve Jobs was discussing it with his top associate. Steve was just finishing up a rundown of the iPad's features when he noticed a look of concern on the associate's face.

"What's wrong?" Steve asked.

"It's the name, iPad," the associate hesitantly said.

"What about the name?" Steve asked.

"It... well," the associate stammered out, "It kind of sounds like a feminine hygiene product."

"What?" Steve wailed, "You think it sounds like a feminine hygiene product? That's ridiculous! It does not sound like a feminine hygiene product! The name starts with an 'i'! It sounds like a computer! Don't be stupid!"

"I'm sorry," said the associate, shrinking back a little.

"Oh, OK, don't worry about it," Steve said. "Now, listen. Marketing," he continued. "I've come to the conclusion that the price tag of my iPad is out of many people's price range, so I've decided to offer a smaller version for a cheaper price."

"That's good," said the associate. "So you'll have two versions - a smaller one and a larger one. What will they be called?"

Steve replied, "The smaller version will be called the Mini iPad and the larger version will be called the Maxi iPad."

[kenzhin]

Three Wishes!

 

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, “If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.”

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, “Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!”

The woman said, “That’s okay.”

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, “You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to”.

The woman replied, “That’s okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me.”

So, KAZAM-she’s the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, “That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.”

The woman said, “That’s okay, because what’s mine is his and what’s his is mine.”

So, KAZAM-she’s the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, “I’d like a mild heart attack.”

 

 

[kenzhin]

The Lie!

 

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.

The teacher says, “Why are you arguing?”

One of them answers, “We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.”

“You should be ashamed of yourselves,” said the teacher, “When I was your age I didn’t even know what a lie was.”

The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

 

 

[kenzhin]

Furiously!

 

One day a student was taking a very difficult essay exam. At the end of the test, the prof asked all the students to put their pencils down and immediately hand in their tests.

The young man kept writing furiously, although he was warned that if he did not stop immediately he would be disqualified. He ignored the warning, finished the test 10 minutes later, and went to hand the test to his instructor. The instructor told him he would not take the test.

The student asked, “Do you know who I am?”

The prof said, “No and I don’t care.”

The student asked again, “Are you sure you don’t know who I am?”

The prof again said no. So the student walked over to the pile of tests, placed his in the middle, then threw the papers in the air.

“Good” the student said, and walked out. He passed.

 

 

[kenzhin]

A Deaf Man!

 

A deaf man enters a pharmacy to buy condoms and tries to explain what he wants with sign language.

The pharmacist doesn’t understand anything so the deaf man puts forth his p…s and 50 dollars.

The pharmacist then also pulls out his p…s, takes the 50 dollars and puts them in his pocket.

The deaf man gets all read in his face and starts to waive violently at the pharmacist who says:

– “If you cannot stand loosing, you should not make a bet!”

 

 

[kenzhin]

Driver License!

 

An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she’s driving a car. As she’s going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, “Excuse me ma’am but you were speeding. Can I see your driver’s license?”

She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.

Up and down the halls she goes again. Again, the same old man jumps out of a room and says, “Excuse me ma’am but I saw you cross over the center line back there. Can I see your registration please?”

She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.

She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over. As she comes to the old man’s room again he jumps out. He’s stark naked and has an erection!

The old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says, “Oh no – not the Breathalyzer again!”

 

 

[kenzhin]

Game of Intelligence!

 

My girlfriend, who is not very bright, sat next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer kept asking her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered 20 to 1 odds, and said each time she was unable to answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but each time he couldn’t answer hers, he’d give her $100.

The lawyer thought that he couldn’t lose and reluctantly my girlfriend accepted the bet. The lawyer asked, “How far is the distance between Earth and the nearest star? My girlfriend gave him $5 without speaking. She then asked, “What goes uphill with 3 legs and comes back downhill with 4 legs?” The lawyer looked puzzled. After several hours, he gave up and reluctantly paid my girlfriend $100. She put it in her purse and the lawyer asked, “What is the answer to your question”? Without a word being spoken, he handed him $5! 

 

[kenzhin]

Sergeant!

 

Jon and Matt have been promoted from privates to sergeants.

Not long after, they’re out for a walk and Jon says, “Hey, Matt, there’s the Officers Club. Let’s you and me stop in. ”

“But were privates,” protests Matt.

“Were sergeants now,” says Jon, pulling him inside.

“Now, Matt, I’m gonna sit down and have a drink.”

“But were privates,” says Matt.

“You blind?” Asks Jon, pointing at his stripes. “Were sergeants are now.”

So they have their drinks, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Jon. “You’r cute,” she says, “and I’d like to screw you, but I’ve got a bad case of gonorrhea.”

Jon pulls his friend to the side and whispers, “Matt, go look in the dictionary and see what” gonorrhea “means. If it’s okay, give me the okay sign. ”

So Matt goes to look up, comes back, and gives Jon the big okay sign.

Three weeks later Jon is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.

“Matt,” he says, “Why’d you give me the okay?”

“Well, Jon, in the dictionary, it’s gonorrhea affects only the privates.”

He points to his stripes. “But were sergeants now.”

 

 

[jiski]

Never Judge By Appearance: A Salutary Chinese Tale

 

At the final dinner of an international conference, an American delegate turned to the Chinese delegate sitting next to him, pointed to the soup and asked somewhat condescendingly, 'Likee soupee?'

The Chinese gentlemen nodded eagerly.

 

A little later, it was 'Likee fishee?' and 'Likee meatee?' and 'Likee fruitee?' and always the response was an affable nod.

 

At the end of the dinner the chairman of the conference introduced the guest speaker of the evening: none other than the Chinese gentleman who delivered a penetrating, witty discourse in impeccable English, much to the astonishment of his American neighbour.

 

When the speech was over, the speaker turned to his neighbour and with a mischievous twinkle in his eye and asked, 'Likee speechee?'

 

 

[jiski]

10 of the Best Chinese Proverbs

1. Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
2. A life with love is happy; a life for love is foolish.
3. War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.
4. A bird does not sing because it has an answer. It sings because it has a song.
5. Three humble shoemakers brainstorming make a great statesman.
6. Visiting monks give better sermons.
7. He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains a fool forever.
8. An ambitious horse will never return to its old stable.
9. A conversation with a wise person is worth of ten years' study of books.
10. Chinese 'Cracked Pot' Parable

 

[jiski]

The Problem with Speaking English

• Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
• Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
• Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
• Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
• Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.