[JOTD] Joke of the day

[tao]

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom. "Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!" The woman chose to ignore her husband.

Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks.

She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"

 

Edited February 6, 2018 by adi

[tao]

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.

 

A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.

 

After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut up."  

[Chancer]

[tao]

It's not difficult to make a woman happy. It doesn't take much!

A man only needs to be:

1. A friend
2. A companion
3. A Lover
4. A brother
5. A father
6. A master
7. A chef
8. An electrician
9. A carpenter
10. A plumber
11. A mechanic
12. A decorator
13. A stylist
14. A sexologist
15. A gynecologist
16. A psychologist
17. A pest exterminator
18. A psychiatrist
19. A healer
20. A good listener
21. An organizer
22. A good father
23. Very clean
24. Sympathetic
25. Athletic
26. Warm
27. Attentive
28. Gallant
29. Intelligent
30. Funny
31. Creative
32. Tender
33. Strong
34. Understanding
35. Tolerant
36. Prudent
37. Ambitious
38. Capable
39. Courageous
40. Determined
41. True
42. Dependable
43. Passionate
44. Compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. Give her compliments regularly
46. Let her go shopping regularly
47. Be honest
48. Be relatively rich
49. Not stress her out
50. Not look at other women

AND AT THE SAME TIME, MUST ALSO:

51. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes or who she is with

BUT IT IS ALSO VERY IMPORTANT TO:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
* her parents

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------------
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Leave him alone

 

Edited February 7, 2018 by adi

[Vdogeek]

Hearing voices in your head is normal. Listening to them is quite common.

Arguing with them – acceptable.

It is only when you lose that argument that you get in real trouble.

 

[tao]

Woman's Quote of the Day:
"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you'd like to have dinner with."

Men's Counter-Quote of the Day:
"Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache."

 

[tao]

"Oh God," sighed the wife one morning, "I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone!"

 

Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, "I'm not surprised: You've been giving me a piece of it every day for twenty years!"

 

[lurch234]

When I was young, my fairy godmother said I could have one of two things.

An excellent memory or to be well endowed. To this day I still don't remember what I asked for...

[lurch234]

[vitorio]

8 minutes ago, lurch234 said:

This is a good one!

[Vdogeek]

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised to hear it.

 

[tao]

A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head.

"I found a piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name 'Marylou' written on it," she said, furious. "You had better have an explanation."

"Calm down, honey," the man replied. "Remember last week when I was at the dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on."'

The next morning, his wife snuck up on him and smacked him again.

"What was that for?" he complained.

"Your dog called last night."

[tao]

A woman goes into a dentist's office, and after her examination, the dentist says, I'm sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill that tooth.

Horrified, the woman replies, Oh, no! I'd rather have a baby.

To which the dentist replies, Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair.

[tao]

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

Then a voice from the back of the room piped up: "Yeah, right."

[Akaneharuka]

[lurch234]

[kenzhin]

Fish Sticks! 

 

A lady takes her 5 year old son to the zoo. One of the first thing they saw was a couple animals doing it. The 5 year old asks, “Mommy, what are they doing?”

She didn’t know what to say, so she said: “Well, they’re making fish sticks.”

Five minutes later, a couple more animals were doing it and again he asked the same thing and again she said: “They are making fish sticks.”

When they got home, she was in the bedroom with her husband for about ten minutes, and when she got out, her son ran up to her and asked: “Mommy, were you in the bedroom making fish sticks with Daddy?”

She said, “As a matter of fact we were.” And he replied, “I thought so, because I can see tarter sauce on your chin.”

 

 

[tao]

A couple was dining out when the wife noticed a familiar face at the bar. She recognized him as an old flame.

 

"Honey," she said to her husband, as she pointed out the man, "that guy at the bar has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."

 

Her husband said, "That's silly, no one celebrates that much!"

[kenzhin]

The Mexican!

 

A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says:

“Sorry, you know the law, you’ve got to go back across the border right now.”

The mexican man pleads with them, “No, noooo Senior, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!”

The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I’m going to make it hard for him and says: “Ok, I’ll let you stay if you can use 3 english words in a sentence”

The Mexican man of course agrees.

The Border Patrol Agent tells him, “The 3 words are: Green, Pink and Yellow. Now use them in 1 sentence.”

The Mexican man thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then says, “Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green, Green, Green, I Pink it up and sez Yellow?”

 

 

[kenzhin]

Urine Samples!

 

One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.”

His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about and it will only costs you $10.00.”

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:

1. You have tennis elbow.

2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.

3. It will be better in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.

He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed it’s alights, and printed out the following analysis:

1. Your tap water is too hard.

2. Get a water softener.

3. Your dog has ringworm.

4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

5. Your daughter is using cocaine.

6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.

7. Your wife is pregnant … twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.

8. And if you don’t stop masturbating, your elbow will never get better

 

 

[vitorio]

1 hour ago, kenzhin said:

Urine Samples!

 

One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.”

His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about and it will only costs you $10.00.”

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:

1. You have tennis elbow.

2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.

3. It will be better in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.

He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed it’s alights, and printed out the following analysis:

1. Your tap water is too hard.

2. Get a water softener.

3. Your dog has ringworm.

4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

5. Your daughter is using cocaine.

6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.

7. Your wife is pregnant … twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.

8. And if you don’t stop masturbating, your elbow will never get better

 

 

Botton line: Computer knows best!!!

Edited March 5, 2018 by vitorio

[kenzhin]

Hippie and Nun!

 

A hippie walks on a bus and sees a nun. Being the straight forward kind of guy he is, he says :”Hey baby, want to have s.x?”

The nun says: “God no!”, so she gets off the bus angry.

When the hippie is about to get off the bus, the bus driver asks him: “Hey man, you see that graveyard across the street?”

The hippie: “yeah I see it, what about it?”

“Well every Tuesday night at 8:30, the nun go’s to the top of the hill to pray. If you dress up as a ghost, and tell her to have s.x with you, she’ll have too”;

The hippie replied: “sweet!”.

So, Tuesday night comes and the hippie has a ghost costume, 8:30 comes and here comes the nun. The hippie pops out and says: “I am the ghost of a man buried here, and I command you to have s.x with me!”

The nun: “Well… ok, but I have a virgins aspect so it has to be oral”

So the nun and the hippie have and the hippie runs away and says: “Ha, ha I was actually the hippie” and the nun replied: “Ha, ha I’m actually the bus driver!”

 

 

[kenzhin]

Hair Spray!

 

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, “Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.” The grandfather replies, “I’ll bet you five dollars you can’t. It’s too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole.”

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says,

“Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars.”

The grandfather replies, “I know. That’s from your grandma.”

 

 

[mona]

[kenzhin]

Shut The Hell Up!

 

There are three friends, Shut the hell up, Your manners, and Bear Shit.

One day they’re in the woods and bear shit gets lost and your manners looks for him. Shut the hell up goes to the police station “my friend is missing can you help me?” 

The officer says “what’s your name?”

“Shut the hell up”

“What?”

“Shut the hell up”

“Say that again?”

“Shut the hell up!”

“Son where’s your manners?”

“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you! He’s out in the woods looking for bear sh.t”.