[JOTD] Joke of the day

[Betts1964]

6 hours ago, NEW123 said:

Do you know how long Sachin Tendulkar played ???

The US $ was at Rs.19
Sensex at 800
Petrol Rs.9.84
Diesel Rs.4.08
Gold Rs.3100/10 gm
when he made his debut.

So instead of just watching his matches, if you had invested in these ...you could have also Retired with him!

So what can you do Now?

New offer:

Invest now and retire with Virat Kohli ! ????

 

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Teacher : What's wrong ?
John: Our house is very small.
John: My mum,my dad, we sleep on the same bed. Every night my dad asks, John are you sleeping ? Then I say No & then he slaps my face & gives me a Black eye"
Teacher: Tonight when your dad asks again, keep dead quiet. don't answer. The following morning John comes back with a severe black eye again.
Teacher: My goodness, Why the black eye again ?
John: Dad asked me again, John are you sleeping ? I shut up & kept dead still.Then my dad and my mom started moving, you know, at the same time Mum was breathing like a Christmas chicken, kicking her legs up frantically and squealing like a Hyena on the bed. Then my dad asked my mum, Are you coming ? Mum said, Yes I'm coming, are you coming too ? Dad answered:- Yes. They don't usually go anywhere without me so I said, wait for me, I'm coming too ... ?

 

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Pedro was sexually a very experienced man when he got married to Maria, but she was totally naive.

On their wedding night, when Pedro removed his clothes, Maria asked, 'Pedro! What is that?'

Pedro, a quick thinker, said, 'Maria, I am the only man in the world with one of these.'

And then he proudly proceeded to demonstrate to her what it was for. Maria was pleased. After their honeymoon was over, Pedro returned to work. On returning home in the evening after his first day at work posthoneymoon, Pedro found a very upset Maria waiting on their front porch.

'Pedro, you said you were the only man in the world with one of those and yet today, when I saw Gonzalez changing his clothes behind the shed, he had one, too!'

Ever a fast thinker on his feet, Pedro said, 'Oh, Maria, Gonzalez is my best friend. Since I had two, I gave him one. So he is the only other man in the world with one.'

A skeptical Maria accepted this answer, but when Pedro returned home from work the following evening, an agitated Maria was waiting on the porch.

'Maria? Now what's wrong???'

'Damn it, Pedro! You gave the better one to Gonzalez!'

Funny stuff

[IronY-Man]

Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.
Doctor: Tell me about your problem.
Patient: I just did, didn't I, you stupid SOB!

[tao]

My friend asked me, "Why are you getting a divorce?"

I responded, "My wife wasn't home the entire night and in the morning she said she spent the night at her sister's house."

He said, "So?"

And I responded, "She's lying. I spent the night at her sister's house!"

[tao]

"I'm sorry," said the clerk in flower shop, "we don't have potted geraniums.

 

Could you use African violets instead?"

 

Replied the customer sadly, "No, it was geraniums my wife told me to water while she was gone."

[IronY-Man]

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.

"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!"

The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes."
"Why?" asked the pilot.

"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation.
After a long pause the pilot said,

Spoiler

"You mean you're not the instructor?"

 

[tao]

It had taken him several months, but the executive vice president had finally persuaded his new secretary to bend over the back of his leather couch and allow him to have sex with her that way.

 

"And just where have you been until this hour?" demanded his wife, when the wayward husband finally arrived home.

 

"Down at the office," he replied, "working like a dog."

[tao]

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

[IronY-Man]

Norman and his blonde wife live in Fargo.
One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say,
"We are going to have 3 to 4 inches of snow today.You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says,
"We are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow today.You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.
 

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says
"We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park.....", then the electricity goes out.

Norman's wife says, "Honey, I don't know what to do."
Norman says,

Spoiler

"Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

 

[tao]

My wife and I went to the County Agricultural Show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls.

 

We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said: THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ..... Smiled and said, "He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week".

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said: THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, "WOW~~That's more than twice a week! .......... You could learn a lot from him".

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said: THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, "That's once a day .. You could REALLY learn something from this one".

I looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow".

My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and the doctors say I should eventually make a full recovery.

 

Edited October 3, 2017 by adi

[IronY-Man]

A guy is hanging out in his favorite bar when he spots a fabulous babe walking in on the arm of some ugly man.
He asks the bartender about her and is surprised to discover that she's a prostitute. He watches her the rest of the night, amazed that someone so attractive could be available to him.

 

The next night he goes back to the bar, and sure enough she shows up again, only this time alone.  The guy gets up his nerve and approaches her.

"Is it true you're a prostitute?"

 

"Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?"

"Well, I dunno. What do you charge?"

 

"I get $100 just for a handjob. We can negotiate from there."

"$100!! For a handjob? Are you nuts?"

 

"You see that Ferrari out there?" The guy looks out the front door, and sure enough there's a shiny new Ferrari parked outside. "I paid cash for that Ferrari with the money I made on handjobs. "Trust me, it's worth it."

 

The guy mulls it over for a while, and decides what the hell. He leaves with her, and gets the most unbelievable experience he's ever had.
This handjob was better than any complete sexual experience in his miserable life. The next night he's back at the bar, waiting eagerly for her to show up.

When she does, he immediately approaches her.

"Last night was incredible!"

"Of course it was. Just wait till you try one of my blowjobs."

 

"How much is that?"

"$500"

 

"$500!?! C'mon, that's ridiculous!"

"You see that apartment building across the street?"

The guy looks out front at a 12 story apartment building.
"I paid cash for that building with the money I made on blowjobs. Trust me, it's worth it."

 

Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for it.He leaves with her, and once again is not disappointed.
He nearly faints - twice. The next night he can hardly contain himself until she shows up.

I'm hooked, you're the best! Tell me, what'll it cost me for some puss?"

 

She motions for him to follow her outside. She points down the street, where between the buildings he can see Manhattan.
"You see that island?"

"Aw, c'mon! You can't mean that!"

Spoiler

She nods her head. "You bet. If I had a pussy, I'd own Manhattan!"

 

[tao]

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.

As he walked to the door she yelled, 'I hope you die a long, slow, painful death.'

He turned around and said, 'So, you want me to stay?'

[Agent 86]

Viagra pill stuck in throat halfway down...now have stiff neck!  

[tao]

A woman who plays cards one night a month with a group of friends was concerned that she always woke up her husband when she came home around 11:30.

 

So she decided to be considerate and not rouse him this time. She undressed in the living room and, purse over arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom, only to find him sitting up in bed, reading.

 

"Oh No!" he exclaimed. "Did you lose EVERYTHING?!?"

[tao]

Two old drunks are sitting in a bar when the first one says, "Ya know, when I was thirty and got an erection, I couldn't bend it, even using both hands.

By the time I was forty, I could bend it about ten degrees if I tried really hard.

By the time I was fifty, I could bend it about forty five degrees, no problem.

I'm gonna be sixty next week, and now I can bend it in half with just one hand."

"So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?"

"Well, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get."

[IronY-Man]

Q: Why did God give men a penis?

Spoiler

A: So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.

 

Edited October 7, 2017 by IronY-Man

[IronY-Man]

A guy with a black eye walks into a bar and orders a triple bourbon.

The bartender says "Having a tough day, huh?"

The guy says "Yeah. My wife and I were doing the dishes and she turned to me and said 'Why don't we ever make love like in the movies?'

So I bent her over the kitchen table, yanked her pants down and rammed it in. I jackhammered her and slapped her on the ass as I pummeled her. Then I pulled it out, turned her around and blew my load all over her face."

The bartender said "Wow! But what's up with the black eye?

"Turns out we watch different movies."

[tao]

Visiting the modern art museum, a lady turned to an attendant standing nearby.

 

"This," she said, "I suppose, is one of those hideous representations you call modern art?"

 

"No, Madam," replied the attendant. "That one's called a mirror."

 

Edited October 9, 2017 by adi

[tao]

A new bride was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner.

 

So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time.

He responded, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!"

[vitorio]

1 hour ago, adi said:

Visiting the modern art museum, a lady turned to an attendant standing nearby.

 

"This," she said, "I suppose, is one of those hideous representations you call modern art?"

 

"No, Madam," replied the attendant. "That one's called a mirror."

 

touché!!!

[IronY-Man]

NEW SAT Questions:

---

Q: When do you kick a midget in the balls?
 

Spoiler

A: When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice

 

Q: How does a woman scare a gynecologist?

 

Spoiler

A: By becoming a ventriloquist!

 

Q: What is the difference between ooooooh and aaaaaaah ?

 

Spoiler

A: About three inches.

 

[tao]

The dentist pulls out a Novocain needle to give the man a shot, so he can extract the man's tooth. 'No way! No needles. I hate needles' the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me! The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill. 'No objection,' the patient says. 'I'm fine with pills.'

The dentist then returns and says, Here's a Viagra tablet.'

The patient says, 'Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!'

It doesn't' said the dentist, 'but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth.

[Nnsane]

So a rabbi, a priest and a black guy are  on a plane....

 

The plane is full of kids and only has two parachute.

 

The black guy grabs one and bailes immediately.

Rabbi: give me the last chute

Priest: But what about the kids?

Rabbi: Fu''k the kids

Priset: Do we have time?

[Nnsane]

Farting in a lift is wrong on so many levels!
 

[tao]

Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?

A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

[tao]

A woman and her son were taking a cab in New York City. It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings.

"Mommy," said the little boy, "what are all those ladies doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off of work," she replied.

The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers. They have sex with men for money."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, mommy?" His mother, glaring at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mommy what happens to the babies those ladies have?"

"They mostly become cab drivers," she replied.