[JOTD] Joke of the day

[tao]

During a recent power outage my PC, Laptop, TV, DVD, IPAD, and a new surround sound system were all shut down. Also, my cell phone battery was dead.

 

To make matters worse it was raining and I couldn't play golf.

So I go to the kitchen to make coffee, OOPS, the coffee maker requires power, so I sit down and talked to my wife for a couple of hours.

You know, she seems like a nice person.

[tao]

[hacker7]

Doctor gave his Patient a bacteria medicine to make it go away and told him

to take every other day at 17:00 sharp

 

When the Patient came back two weeks later

Doctor: did u take ur medicine .?

Patient: Yes sir at 16:55 every other day

Doctor: why 16:55

Patient: 5min early To surprise the bacteria

 

[jbleck]

 An arab shakes a carpet. A passerby asks: "What's the problem, doesn't start?"

[vitorio]

1 hour ago, jbleck said:

 An arab shakes a carpet. A passerby asks: "What's the problem, doesn't start?"

We need a new paradigm.

[tao]

A man walks into a store and he saw a thermos. The clerk walks up to him and asks, "May I help you with anything?"

"Yea! What is that?"

"Why that's a thermos!"

"What's it do?"

"It keeps things hot and it keeps things cold!"

"I'll take it"

The next day the man goes to work carrying this thermos. His co-workers ask him, "What's that!"

"It's a thermos"

"What's it do?"

"It keeps things hot and it keeps things cold!"

"So whatcha got in it?"

"Two popsicles and a cup of coffee."

[tao]

A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him. "Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?"

 

Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend." He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.

 

"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"

 

The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs, "Not anymore! He is!"

[tao]

An elderly couple was attending church services when about halfway through she leans over and says to him,"I just had a silent passing of gas, what do you think I should do?"

He leans over to her and replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid..."
 

[tao]

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in their bed.

 

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

 

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room.  "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

 

The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.

 

The wife is touched, thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.

 

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the backseat of my car?"

 

"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

 

The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years!"

 

"I remember that too," she replies softly.

 

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today!"

[tao]

It was two o’clock in the morning and a husband and wife were asleep when suddenly the phone rang.

The husband picked up the phone and said, “Hello? (Pause as he listens.) How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?” and promptly slammed the phone down.

His wife rolls over and asks, “Who was that?”

The husband replies, “I don’t know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear.”

[tao]

I asked my wife the other day what she liked best about me....

 

"Is it my firm, trim, athletic, body? Or, rather, is it my astounding intellect?"

 

She replied....

 

"Your sense of humor, dear."

[IronY-Man]

Missionary

Whenever a baby was born to this outback African tribe it was cause for great celebration and merriment as the future of the tribe would continue to survive.
However, on the last occaision there was a bit of concern as the baby was white and the only person around for 500 miles that was white was the missionary.
The Chief calls him into his hut and explains the problem and highlights his accusation.
The Missionary is put on the spot and slowly strokes his chin, thinking. " I see your dilema Oh great Chief. Come with me. "
They go outside and over to the sheep pen. "You see all these sheep here?
They are all white except that one over there thats black.
I'll do a deal with you.
You dont say anything about the kid and I wont tell anyone about the sheep, okay ?"

[vitorio]

That's cruel.

[tao]

A guy stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity: looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed.

Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long?  Hit the damn ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse.  I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, man," says his partner. 

"You'll never hit her from here."

[tao]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. 

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Edited September 22, 2017 by adi

[IronY-Man]

Spoiler

What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree?
> Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job !

 

The old man takes the old lady to the doctor for a checkup.
The doctor wants to have some fun with the old man so after the checkup he tells the old man that - the problem is
serious the old lady's health is deteriorating and the only cure is sex.
The old man says -  sex?
Yes, the doctor says - sex you know.
The old man  asks- How many times she must have sex?
The doctor says - three times a week.
What days? - the old man says.
The doctor says - Well, lets say Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday.
The old man says - Well, doctor Tuesday and Thursday I can but, on Saturday I have something to do, so I can't bring her to you.

[tao]

Recently scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men twelve bottles of beer each. The scientists observed that 100% of the male test group gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive.

No further testing is planned.

[IronY-Man]

A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why !

She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."

The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger "units" than his dad.

His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.

Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

[tao]

Children:

 

You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk.

 

Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and be quiet.  

[IronY-Man]

What did the Donald tell an illegal immigrant who was trying to put out a fire at Trump Tower?

No way Hose A.

[Agent 86]

lesbian construction company? wtf?

yes, no studs, all tongue and groove.

[tao]

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. The doctor started a long and thorough examination, but finally found nothing wrong with the man.

When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."

"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife".

[IronY-Man]

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.She also tells them that there will be no excuse
for failing to show up,except for serious injury, illness, or a death in the student's immediate family.

A smart-ass jock in the back of the room pipes up and asks the teacher out loud, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" 

 

The entire class has all it can do keep from breaking up, being barely able to stifle its laughter and snickering. 

 

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "You can write with your other hand then."

[tao]

Man is incomplete until he is married.
Then he is finished.

[NEW123]

Do you know how long Sachin Tendulkar played ???

The US $ was at Rs.19
Sensex at 800
Petrol Rs.9.84
Diesel Rs.4.08
Gold Rs.3100/10 gm
when he made his debut.

So instead of just watching his matches, if you had invested in these ...you could have also Retired with him!

So what can you do Now?

New offer:

Invest now and retire with Virat Kohli ! ????

 

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Teacher : What's wrong ?
John: Our house is very small.
John: My mum,my dad, we sleep on the same bed. Every night my dad asks, John are you sleeping ? Then I say No & then he slaps my face & gives me a Black eye"
Teacher: Tonight when your dad asks again, keep dead quiet. don't answer. The following morning John comes back with a severe black eye again.
Teacher: My goodness, Why the black eye again ?
John: Dad asked me again, John are you sleeping ? I shut up & kept dead still.Then my dad and my mom started moving, you know, at the same time Mum was breathing like a Christmas chicken, kicking her legs up frantically and squealing like a Hyena on the bed. Then my dad asked my mum, Are you coming ? Mum said, Yes I'm coming, are you coming too ? Dad answered:- Yes. They don't usually go anywhere without me so I said, wait for me, I'm coming too ... ?

 

=================================================================

 

Pedro was sexually a very experienced man when he got married to Maria, but she was totally naive.

On their wedding night, when Pedro removed his clothes, Maria asked, 'Pedro! What is that?'

Pedro, a quick thinker, said, 'Maria, I am the only man in the world with one of these.'

And then he proudly proceeded to demonstrate to her what it was for. Maria was pleased. After their honeymoon was over, Pedro returned to work. On returning home in the evening after his first day at work posthoneymoon, Pedro found a very upset Maria waiting on their front porch.

'Pedro, you said you were the only man in the world with one of those and yet today, when I saw Gonzalez changing his clothes behind the shed, he had one, too!'

Ever a fast thinker on his feet, Pedro said, 'Oh, Maria, Gonzalez is my best friend. Since I had two, I gave him one. So he is the only other man in the world with one.'

A skeptical Maria accepted this answer, but when Pedro returned home from work the following evening, an agitated Maria was waiting on the porch.

'Maria? Now what's wrong???'

'Damn it, Pedro! You gave the better one to Gonzalez!'

Edited September 27, 2017 by NEW123