[JOTD] Joke of the day

[rudrax]

 

[JeffDunhill]

Control + Alt + Delete is the computer equivalent of "Let me talk to your manager."

[tao]

A man comes home from a night of drinking with the boys.

 

As he falls through the doorway of his house, his wife snaps at him, “what’s the big idea coming home half drunk?”

 

The man replies, “I’m sorry, honey. I ran out of money.”

[JeffDunhill]

If you have promised your SO that you will love them 24/7

 

 

 

Today is 24/7

[tao]

56 minutes ago, JeffDunhill said:

If you have promised your SO that you will love them 24/7

Today is 24/7

7/24 here, mate;  24/7 will never happen; hence love them 24/7, eh. 

 

 

Edited July 24, 2017 by adi

[tao]

A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ.

Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.

[tao]

My wife and I were comparing notes the other day.

 

'I have a higher IQ, did better on my SAT's, and make more money than you,' she pointed out.

'Yeah, but when you step back and look at the big picture, I’m still ahead,' I said.

She looked mystified. 'How do you figure?'

'I married better,' I replied.

[knowledge-Spammer]

 

[tao]

A couple had been married for 35 years, and the pair was also celebrating their 60th birthdays.

 

During the celebration, a fairy godmother appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them each one wish.

 

The wife said she wanted to travel around the world. The fairy godmother waved her magic wand and BOOM! The wife had the tickets in her hand.

 

Then it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said boldly, "Well, I'd like to have a wife 30 years younger than I."

 

The fairy godmother picked up her wand and BOOM! He was now 90.

[JeffDunhill]

What do the movies "The Sixth Sense" and "Titanic" have in common?

 

 

 

 

Icy dead people.

[tao]

An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.

 

The officer said, “Ma’am did you know you were speeding?” The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, “What did he say?” The old man yells, “He says you were speeding!”

 

The patrolman says, “May I see your license?” The woman turns to her husband and asks again, “What did he say?” The old man yells, “He wants to see your license!”

 

The woman gave the officer her license. The patrolman says, “I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen.”

 

The woman turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?” And the old man yells, “He said he knows you!”

[tao]

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.

 

Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.

After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"

[tao]

Two Hindu swamis were in conversation.

One said to the other, "How did you like my latest book, 'The Art of Levitation'?"

His companion replied, "It kept me up all night."

 

[tao]

A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds.

His Personal Psychic Adviser tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog is thrilled, "This is great!"

"Will I meet her at a party?" he asks.

"No," says the psychic, "in biology class."

[tao]

A rabbi, priest, and a minister are out fishing in a boat on a big lake when the priest realizes that he has to go to the bathroom.

 

Not wanting to disturb the fishing of the others in the boat by having them take him to shore, he gets out of the boat and walks across the water to do his business and then returns to the boat.

 

A little while later the minister has to go also and he does the same. He walks across the water, does his business and returns across the water to the boat.

Finally the rabbi feels the urge to go to the bathroom too, so he climbs out of the boat. But instead of walking across the water, he falls into the water and starts to wildly splash around.

 

The priest and the minister finally drag the rabbi back into the boat and the priest turns to the minister and says, "Maybe we should have told him where the rocks were."

[tao]

A doctor is talking to a car mechanic, "Your fee is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care."

 

"Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn't changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every month."

[tao]

Canada's most famous dinosaur? Toronnosaurus Rex.  

[tao]

A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day, he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon. When they get back, his friend says to him, "So, tell me, how was it?"

"Oh, it was beautiful," says the man. "The sun, the surf, we made love almost every night, we -"

His friend interrupts him. "A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?"

"Oh," says the man, "we almost made love Monday, we almost made love Tuesday..."

[tao]

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question. 

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: -- silence-
HUSBAND: "sh*t."

[tao]

A married couple trying to live up to a snobbish lifestyle went to a party. The conversation turned to Mozart. "Absolutely brilliant, magnificent, a genius!"

The woman, wanting to join in the conversation, remarked casually, "Ah, Mozart. You’re so right. I love him. Only this morning I saw him getting on the No. 5 bus going to Victoria station."

There was a sudden hush, and everyone looked at her. Her husband was mortified. He pulled her away and whispered, "We're leaving right now. Get your coat and let's get out of here."

As they drove home, he kept muttering to himself. Finally his wife turned to him. "You're angry about something."

"Oh really? You noticed?" he sneered. "I've never been so embarrassed in my life! You saw Mozart take the No.5 bus to Victoria station? You idiot! Don't you know the No.5 bus doesn't go out to Victoria station?"

[tao]

Doctor: "Is your cough better this morning?" 
Patient: "Yes. I've been practicing all night."

[KRS]

Patient:   Doctor, will I be able to play the piano after the operation?
Doctor: Yes, of course.          

Patient: Great! I never could before!

[tao]

I was in a couple’s home trying to fix their Internet connection. The husband called out to his wife in the other room for the computer password. “Start with a capital S, then 123,” she shouted back.

We tried S123 several times, but it didn’t work. So we called the wife in. As she input the password, she muttered, “I really don’t know what’s so difficult about typing Start123.”

 

Edited September 14, 2017 by adi

[tao]

Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Nothing.
Wife: You did that yesterday.
Me: I wasn't finished.

[tao]

Following an especially angry argument, Mr. and Mrs. Smith went to bed not speaking to each other. Needing to arise early the following morning, Mr. Smith left a note on his wife's bedside table that said "Wake me at six."

An exasperated Mr. Smith awoke at ten the following morning and rolled stiffly out of bed to see a note on his bedside table: "It's six, you bum! Get out of bed!"