[JOTD] Joke of the day

[aum]

I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labor when the nurse walked out and said to a man sitting there, "Congratulations sir, you're the new father of twins!"

The man replied, "How about that! I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."

 

About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mrs. Smith had just had triplets.

Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for 3M!"

 

When the nurse appeared next, she told the third man that his wife had given birth to quadruplets.

"That's amazing! I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!"

 

At this point the gentleman sitting next to me let out a little strangled gasp and hurriedly got up, obviously distraught.

 

When I asked him if he was okay, he explained, "I think I need a breath of fresh air." The man continued, "I'm the casting director for 101 Dalmatians."

 

[aum]

A man walks into his doctor’s office and says, “Doctor, I think I’m addicted to Twitter.”

The doctor looks at him and says, “Sorry, I don’t follow you."

 

[Karlston]

[aum]

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

 

"Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk.

"That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.

 

The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled, "Grandpa will pay the bill."

 

Edited October 6, 2025 by aum

[aum]

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.

This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.
I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness From God and this Christian Family."
No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared!

 

[aum]

A 60 year old millionaire got married with a 20 year old model.

When his friends asked him how he did it, he said: "I lied about my age."

They then asked: "Ah, so you said you were 40?"

 

He answered: "No I said I was 90."

 

[aum]

James  Jones, an elderly man from Big Bottom, Washington, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turnoff the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

 

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me ." Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy, you should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available" George said, "Okay." He hung up the phone and counted to 30.

 

Then he phoned the police again.

 

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both; the dogs are eating them right now," and he hung up.

 

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

 

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

 

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available."

 

[aum]

I've noticed the strangest thing about men who hang out in bars a lot.
It seems they have only one of two reasons to be there.

They have no wife to go home to...    or they do!

 

[aum]

They told me, "Follow your dreams..."
So I went back to bed.

 

[aum]

I gave my father $100 and said, “Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.”

So he went out and bought a present for my mother.

 

[aum]

Dolphins are so intelligent...

That within a few weeks of captivity, they can train a man to stand on the edge of their pool and throw to them fish three times a day.

 

[aum]

Little Johnny rushes inside, out of breath and shouts, "Mother! Mother! Give me some money for the poor old man that's shouting along the road!"

His mother replies, "What is he shouting?"

"Ice creams! Come get your ice cream..."

[aum]

A young boy walks into a barber shop, and the barber leans in and says to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch and see."

 

The barber then places a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, calling the boy over and asking, "Which one do you want, kid?"

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"See what I mean?" the barber says. "He never learns!"

 

Later, as the customer is leaving, he notices the same boy coming out of an ice cream parlor. "Hey, kid! Can I ask you something? Why did you pick the quarters over the dollar bill?"

 

The boy, enjoying his ice cream, replies, "Because if I took the dollar, the game would be over!"

[aum]

The owner of a drugstore walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall with an odd look on his face.
The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here at 7 A.M. to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxatives."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him-he's afraid to cough!"

[aum]

One day, there was a catastrophic event that caused all humans on Earth to die. To sort things out, everyone went to Heaven. God came in and said, "I want the men to make two lines.
One line for the men who ruled their women on Earth and the other line for the men who were ruled by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter." With that, the next time God looked, the women were gone and there were two lines.

The line of men who were ruled by their women was 1000 miles long, and in the line of men who ruled their women, there was only one man.

God became angry and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him!

Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

 

[aum]

My neighbor. She’s single. She’s shapely and beautiful and she lives right across the street.

 

I watched her as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on my door.

I opened the door, she looked at me and said, ”I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and have fun tonight. Are you doing anything?”

I quickly replied, “Nope, I’m free!”

 

“Great” she said. ”Can you watch my dog?”

[Karlston]

[aum]

A little old man starts having trouble hearing and goes to the doctor .... says, "Doc, I'm having problems hearing!"

Doctor says, "Let's check this out." Looks into the man's ear with his flash light and says, "There's a foreign object in here." Takes his tweezers and pulls it out ... Doc says to the old man, "It's a suppository!!"

The old man takes a look, asks the Doc, "Can I use your phone?

 

Need to tell the wife that I know where I put that hearing aid!!"

 

[aum]

Mrs. Pete Monaghan came into the newsroom to pay for her husband's obituary. She was told by the kindly newsman that it was a dollar a word. Apologizing that she only had two dollars, she wrote this obituary: "Pete died."

 

"I remember old Pete, and he deserves more than two words," said the newsman. "I'll give you three more for free."

 

The widow thanked him and wrote, "Pete died. Boat for sale."

 

[aum]

My husband and I both work, so our family eats out a lot.
Recently, when we were having a rare home-cooked meal, I handed a glass to my three-year-old and told her to drink her milk.

She looked at me bewildered and replied, "But I didn’t order milk."

 

[aum]

The Dean of Women was introducing the newcomers to the college and thought fit to touch the subject of sex morality:

"In moments of temptation, ask yourselves just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"

 

At the end of the lecture she asked if there were any questions. One of the girls timidly raised her hand and said:

 

"Could you tell us how you make it last one hour?"

 

[aum]

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

 

A stick.

 

[aum]

Guy's sitting on the couch. From the kitchen he hears, "Babe.... can you help me?"
He goes to the kitchen. "What are you doing?"

She says, "I'm trying to do this jigsaw puzzle."

"What's it supposed to be?" he asks.

She picks up the box. "A Rooster."

 

"Honey," he says. "Let's put the cornflakes back in the box..."

 

 

[Karlston]

[aum]

A 17-year-old boy, who works part-time at Pizza Hut, pulls up to his house in a stunning Porsche.

His parents are immediately suspicious, knowing there's no way his after-school job could have paid for such an expensive car. "Where did you get that car?" they shout, astonished.

"I bought it today," the boy replies calmly.

"With what money?" his mom demands. "We know how much a Porsche costs, and there's no way you can afford it!"

The boy shrugs. "It’s used, and I got a great deal. I only paid $20 for it."

His parents are even more shocked. "Who would sell a Porsche for $20?!"

"The woman up the street," the boy explains. "She just moved in. I delivered a pizza to her, and she offered to sell me the Porsche for $20."

 

Baffled, his parents rush to the neighbor’s house, ready for an explanation. They find her calmly planting flowers in her yard. "I'm the father of the boy you sold a Porsche to for $20," the dad says. "We need to know why you sold it so cheap!"

The woman, without looking up, responds, "I got a call from my husband this morning. I thought he was on a business trip in Florida, but it turns out he ran off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn't plan on coming back."

The boy's mom, still confused, asks, "But what does that have to do with selling our son a Porsche for $20?"

 

With a satisfied smile, the woman replies, "My husband told me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money—so I did."