aum Posted June 6 Share Posted June 6 A man, a squirrel, and two bees are going on a road trip. On the road, they run out of gas so the man pulls over. One of the bees says, “Don’t worry, I’ll pee in the tank. It’ll get us a little further.” It works until they run out of gas again. The second bee steps up and says, “Don’t worry, I’ll pee in the tank. It’ll get us a little further.” It works, until they run out of gas for the third time. This time the squirrel chimes in and says, “Don’t worry, I’ll pee in the tank. It’ll get us a little further.” But the man says, “Don’t bother, she only runs on BP.” funkyy, Karlston and ducky88 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 6 Share Posted June 6 (edited) A wife chewed out her husband at the company picnic a while back. "Doesn't it embarrass you that people have seen you go up to the buffet table five times?" "Not a bit," the husband replied. "I just tell them I'm filling up the plate for you." Edited June 6 by aum ducky88 and Karlston 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 6 Share Posted June 6 Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have broken ribs. TrojanK 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 6 Share Posted June 6 After working most of her life Grandma finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?" Yes, they help me sleep at night. " "Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep! She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee. "Yes, dear,I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks and believe me, it helps me sleep at night. " You gotta love Grandmas! ducky88 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted June 6 Share Posted June 6 ducky88 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 7 Share Posted June 7 One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Johnny standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it. The six-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, So the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy and said quietly, “Good morning, Johnny.” “Good morning, Pastor,” he replied, still focused on the plaque. “Pastor, what is this?” The pastor replied, “Well, son, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.” Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Johnny’s voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, “Which service, the 8:00 or the 9:30?” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 7 Share Posted June 7 An old man is at passport control in Paris. He is going through his bag for his passport which he can't find. The irritated woman on passport control asks him 'Have you visited France before?' 'Yes' replied the old man. Sarcastically she responds 'Well surely you should know to have your passport ready.' to which he answers 'I didn't have to show it last time.' 'Impossible!!' she bellowed. The old man looks her straight in the eye and says 'Last time, when I landed on D-Day on 6th June 1944, I couldn't find a fucking Frenchman to give it to.' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 7 Share Posted June 7 The skydiving instructor was going through the question and answer period with his new students when one of them asked the usual question always asked: "If our chute doesn't open; and the reserve doesn't open, how long would we have till we hit the ground?" The jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan answered: "The rest of your life." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 7 Share Posted June 7 It was the kindergarten teachers birthday and the students decided that they would each buy their teacher a gift. The first student, whose parents own a florist shop, gave her a present. She held it and said "I guess that it is flowers". "How did you guess?" asked the little boy. She laughed and thanked him. The second student, whose parents own a candy store, gave her a present. She held it and said, "I guess that is some candy." "How did you guess?" asked the little boy. She again laughed and thanked him also. The third student, whose parents own a bottle shop, gave her a box which was leaking. The teacher touched the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Mm is it wine?" she asked. "No," said the little girl. So she tasted it again. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," replied the little girl, "It is a puppy. funkyy, Karlston and ducky88 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 7 Share Posted June 7 One night at the dinner table, the wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller; You don't love me any more." "Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you just cook better now." ducky88, TrojanK and funkyy 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 7 Share Posted June 7 A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear - no car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?" The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler." "I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield." The general said, "Drive on!" The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker." The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!" The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?" Karlston and kmr1685 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 7 Share Posted June 7 Bill: Where did you get that gold watch Joe? Joe: I won it in a race. Bill: How many people participated in it? Joe: Three, a policeman, the owner of the watch, and me! ducky88 and funkyy 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 7 Share Posted June 7 I recently took up meditation It's certainly better than sitting around doing nothing. ducky88 and funkyy 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted June 7 Share Posted June 7 ducky88 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 8 Share Posted June 8 A plane crashed, only a monkey who was traveling in the plane was left alive. Fortunately, the monkey was intelligent enough to understand our language and reply in actions: The officials went to see the monkey in the hospital and had a talk with the monkey. Officer: “When the plane took off what were the travellers doing?” Monkey: “Tying their belts” Officer: “What were the air hostesses doing?” Monkey: “Saying Hello! Good morning!” Officer: “What were the pilots doing?” Monkey: “Checking the system.” Officer: “What were you doing?” Monkey: “Looking for my people.” Officer: “After 10′ minutes what were the travelers doing?” Monkey: “Having beverages and snacks.” Officer: “What were the air hostesses doing?” Monkey: “Serving the travelers.” Officer: “What were the Pilots doing?” Monkey: “Handling the steering.” Officer: “What were you doing?” Monkey: “Eating & throwing.” Officer: “After 30 minutes what were the travelers doing?” Monkey: “Some were sleeping and some were reading.” Officer: “What were the air hostesses doing?” Monkey: “Makeup.” Officer: “What were the pilots doing?” Monkey: “Handling the steering.” Officer: “What were you doing?” Monkey: “Nothing.” Officer: “Just before the plane crash what were the travelers doing?” Monkey: “All were sleeping.” Officer: “What were the pilots doing?” Monkey: “Handling the air hostess.” Officer: “What were you doing?” Monkey: “Handling the steering!” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 8 Share Posted June 8 A young couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Are they relatives of yours?" "Yes," his wife replied. "I married into the family." funkyy, Karlston and ducky88 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 8 Share Posted June 8 People who wonder whether the glass is half empty or half full miss the point. The glass is refillable. Karlston, ducky88 and funkyy 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 8 Share Posted June 8 A guy is walking down the street with his friend. He says to his friend, "I'm a walking economy." His friend replies, "How's that?" "It's like this -- my hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of these factors is putting me into a deep depression." Karlston and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted June 8 Share Posted June 8 ducky88 and funkyy 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 8 Share Posted June 8 Two aliens in their flying saucer land near an abandoned gas station in the desert. They get out and walk up to one of the gas pumps. The captain alien points his ray gun at a gas pump and says, "Take me to your leader." The gas pump says nothing. The captain alien repeats, "Take me to your leader." The gas pump says nothing. The ensign alien says, "Hey, man. This seems like a bad idea. We should go." The captain alien replies, "Shut up. I'm in charge here. Take me to your leader." The gas pump says nothing. The ensign alien repeats, "Dude, this is a really bad idea. These guys are bad news. We should go." Again, the captain alien replies, "Shut up. What do you know? Last chance! Take me to your leader!" The gas pump says nothing. Finally, the captain alien says, "That's it!" and shoots the gas pump. The entire station explodes, throwing the two aliens 50 yards away. As they're picking themselves up out of the dirt, the captain alien says to the ensign, "How? How did you know those guys were bad news?" The ensign alien replies, "I've been all over this galaxy and I've learned one fundamental truth: if you meet a creature who can wrap its dick around its waist and hang it in its ear, you leave it alone." vitorio and Adenman 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lurch234 Posted June 8 Share Posted June 8 A friend of mine works at a bionic prosthetic company. He's an arms dealer... ducky88, TrojanK, Tzcon and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 9 Share Posted June 9 ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ducky88, Adenman, Tzcon and 1 other 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 9 Share Posted June 9 The owner of a drugstore walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall with an odd look on his face. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk says, "Well, he came in here at 7 A.M. to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxatives." The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!" The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him-he's afraid to cough!" Adenman, Tzcon, funkyy and 1 other 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 9 Share Posted June 9 At a meeting, the Boss told a joke. Everyone on the team laughed except one guy. The Boss asked him, 'Didn’t you understand my joke?' The guy replied, 'Oh I understood it, but I resigned this morning.' ducky88, funkyy, Adenman and 1 other 2 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post aum Posted June 9 Popular Post Share Posted June 9 A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago." "Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked. "Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell." Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is." ducky88, funkyy, Karlston and 4 others 2 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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