[JOTD] Joke of the day

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[Karlston]

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Teacher: "Johnny, if you have $20 in one pant pocket, and $35 in the other pant pocket, what do you have?"

Johnny: "That's easy, I have someone else's pants!"

 

[aum]

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.

 

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water."

 

"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

 

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."

 

[aum]

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night,the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.

 

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.

 

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

 

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

 

There are teachers, and then there are educators...

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A Sunday school teacher asked her students to draw a picture of their favorite Old Testament story. As she moved around the class, she saw there were many wonderful drawings being done. Then she came across the drawing of one little boy. He was busy drawing a man driving an old car. In the backseat were two passengers—both scantily dressed.”

"It's a lovely picture,” prompted the teacher, “but which story does it tell?”

The little boy seemed surprised at the question. “Well,” he exclaimed, “doesn't it say in the Bible that God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden?”

 

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At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth" even when you don't know anything.

The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."

The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, "Then come give your father a big hug!"

 

[aum]

One day, Marie sent her little boy Johnny down to the pond to get some water for cooking dinner.

 

As he was dipping the bucket in the water, he saw two big eyes looking back at him from the water.

He dropped the bucket and hightailed it back to the kitchen.

 

“Now, where’s my bucket and my water?” Marie asked him.

“I can’t get any water from that pond, Momma” cried Johnny.

“There’s a big ol’ alligator down dere!”

“Now don’t you mind that ol’ alligator, johnny. He’s been there for a few years now, and he ain’t never hurt nobody. Cher, he’s probably as scared of you as you are of him!” 

 

“Well, Momma,” replied Johnny, ” if he’s as scared of me as I am of him, then dat water ain’t fit to drink!”

 

[aum]

"I hope you didn't take it personally, Reverend," an embarrassed woman said after a church service, "when my husband walked out during your sermon."

 

"I did find it rather disconcerting," the preacher replied.

 

"It's not a reflection on you," insisted the church goer. "Ralph has been been walking in his sleep since childhood."

 

[aum]

Old Aunt Cora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her troublesome constipation.

 

“It’s terrible,” she said to the doctor.

“I haven’t moved my bowels in more than a week.”

“I see. Have you done anything about it?” asked the doctor.

“Oh, yes,” Aunt Cora replied,

“I sit in the bathroom for a good half of an hour in the morning and then again at night.”

 

“No,” the doctor said, “I mean do you take anything?”

 

“Of course I do.” she answered, “I take a magazine.”

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The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought.

“How could you do this!” he exclaimed.

“I don’t know,” she wailed.

“I was standing in the store looking at the dress. Then I found myself trying it on. It was like the Devil was whispering to me, ‘Gee, you look great in that dress. You should buy it.’ “

“Well,” the pastor persisted, “You know how to deal with him! Just tell him, ‘Get behind me, Satan!’“

 

“I did,” replied his wife, “but then he said ‘It looks great from back here, too!’

 

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At a wedding ceremony the priest asked if there was anyone who had any reason why the marriage shouldn’t go on, it was time to stand up and speak, or forever hold his or her peace.

The moment of utter silence was interrupted by a young beautiful woman carrying a baby.

She started slowly walking toward the pastor.

Everything quickly turned to chaos.

The bride slapped the groom and stormed out of the church.

The groom’s mother fainted.

The groomsmen and brides maids ran away in all directions.

 

The priest asked the woman, “Can you tell us why you came forward? What do you have to say?”

 

The woman replied, “I can’t hear anything from the back, so am moving to the front seats.”

 

[aum]

The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy.

 

The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions.

“Ever have an accident?”

“Nope, nary a one.”

“None? You’ve never had any accidents.”

“Nope. Ain’t had one. Never.”

“Well, you said in this form you were bitten by a snake once. Wouldn’t you consider that an accident?”

 

“Heck, no. That dang varmint bit me on purpose.”

 

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A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas.

 

The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and they both had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile.

The wife said, ”Where are you, you know we have lots to do.”

He said, “You remember the jewellery store we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?”

Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up. “Yes, I do remember that shop,” she replied.

 

“Well, I am in the gun shop next door to that.”

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An old man and a 20 year old are paired together at a golf tournament.

 

They’re playing a long par 5 that dog legs around some tall trees.

As the 20 year old sets up his tee shot to hit onto the fairway the old man notes, “when I was your age we used to hit over the trees – not around to the side.”

So the 20 year old readjusts and tries to hit over the trees – but can’t clear them and loses his ball. He tries again and loses that one too.

 

Then the old man says, “of course, when I was your age, the trees were only 6 foot tall.”

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A man was in hurry to catch a train in time.

 

So he asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”

 

The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”

 

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A young couple moves into a new neighborhood.

The next morning while they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees her neighbor hanging the wash outside.

“That laundry is not very clean”, she said.

“She doesn’t know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap.”

Her husband looked on but remained silent.

Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry,

The young woman would make the same comments.

 

About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband, “Look, she has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this.”

 

The husband said, “I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows.”

 

And so it is with life. What we see when watching others depends on the purity of the window through which we look.

 

Edited June 5 by aum

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Wife: I heard you have a new secretary today?

Husband: yes.

Wife: Is she smart?

Husband: yes.

Wife: Is she pretty?

Husband: yes.

Wife: How did she dress today?

Husband: Very quickly.

[aum]

A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on its final approach.

 

The pilot comes on the intercom, “This is your Captain. We’re on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto.”

He forgets to switch off the intercom, and the whole plane can hear his conversation with his co-pilot.

The copilot says to the pilot, “Well, skipper, watcha gonna do in Toronto?”

“Well,” says the skipper, “first I’m gonna check into the hotel and take a big cr.p, then I’m gonna take that new stewardess out for dinner, then I’m gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and put it to her big time all night long!”

Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the isles, trying to get a look at the new stewardess.

Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane.

She’s so embarrassed that she tries to run to the cockpit to turn the intercom off.

 

Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady’s bag and falls on her face.

 

The old lady leans over and says, “No need to hurry, dear. He’s gonna take a sh.t first.”

[Karlston]

[Akaneharuka]

Same. . .

A : Hey, Do you have S〇X ?

B : What !?

A : X ! Elon's social network ? Do you have it ?

B : Ah.. X   😅

Edited June 6 by Akaneharuka

[aum]

A baby turtle was standing at the bottom of a large tree and with a deep sigh, started to climb.

About an hour later, he reached a very high branch and walked along to the end.

He turned and spread all four flippers and launched himself off the branch.

On landing at the bottom in a pile of soft, dead leaves, he shook himself off, walked back to the bottom of the tree and with a sigh started to climb.

About an hour later, he again reached the very high branch, walked along, turned, spread his flippers and flung himself off the branch.

Again, he landed on the bottom, shook himself off, went to the bottom of the tree, sighed and started climbing.

 

Watching these proceedings from the end of the branch were two little birds.

 

Mommy bird turned to Daddy bird and said, “Don’t you think it’s time we told him he was adopted?”