[JOTD] Joke of the day

[Karlston]

[Karlston]

[aum]

We don't hide crazy in this family.

We put it out on the front porch and give it a beer!

 

[aum]

A woman came home early from work one day and found her husband in bed with a young and attractive woman.

The woman yelled at her husband in anger: “You slimy disrespectful pig! How dare you do this to me!? I’m the mother of your children, and I’ve been faithful to you all these years! I want a divorce now!”
The husband answered: “Wait a second my love, let me at least explain what happened.”
“All right, let’s hear what you have to say for yourself,” answered the wife waiting to see just how her husband would try to talk his way out of this one, “but these are your last words.”

Her husband started recalling: “today when I left work and got in my car to head home and this woman asked me for a ride.”
“I noticed that she was very skinny and wearing worn out clothes covered in muck and mud. She told me she hadn’t eaten in three days.”
“She looked worse for wear so I took pity on her and let her into the car.”
“In my mercy for her, instead of taking her straight to where she needed to go, I brought her home first and warmed her up a plate of goulash, the same plate I made for you last night which you didn’t eat claiming you’d ‘get fat’.”
“She devoured it in seconds.”
“Since she needed to get clean, I offered to let her use our shower.”
“While she showered, I noticed that her clothes were very dirty and worn, so I threw them out. She needed new clothes so I brought her the old jeans you no longer wear because they’re ‘too tight’.”
“I also gave her some underwear I bought you that you didn’t wear because ‘I don’t have good taste in clothes’.”
“I found the shirt my mom bought you for Christmas that you didn’t wear to ‘piss her off’. And I gave her the high heels you only wore once because ‘someone at work had the same pair’.”

The husband took a deep breath and continued…

“She was so grateful for my understanding and help. When I walked her to the door she turned around with tears in her eyes and asked,”

“You’re such a great person! Is there anything else your wife doesn’t use?”

 

[aum]

A middle aged man goes into the doctor's office for a check-up with a litany of complaints. The doctor speaks to the man’s wife alone and says, "There is nothing the matter with your husband. If you make a couple of meals for him a day, let him watch his sports. Do not complain at him too much and require him to listen. Limit his exposure to in-laws and make love to him once a week. Then, he’ll probably live another 20 years."

 

She returns to her husband’s side in the waiting room. He asks, "What did the doctor tell you?"

"You are going to be dying soon, my dear."

 

Edited January 15 by aum

[aum]

It's sad how quickly people can forget about you,

 

until they want something from you.

[aum]

A first-time father was taking a turn at feeding the baby some strained peas. Naturally, there were traces of the food everywhere, especially on the infant.

His wife comes in, looks at the infant, then at her husband staring into space, then says, "What in the world are you doing?"

He replied, "I'm waiting for the first coat to dry, so I can put on another."

 

 

[aum]

"Oh God," sighed the wife one morning, "I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone!"

 

Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, "I'm not surprised: You've been giving me a piece of it every day for twenty years!"

 

[aum]

Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"

"Yeah, you know, I get a little each month, but not enough to live on.”

 

[aum]

In the front yard of a funeral home, 'Drive carefully, we'll wait.'

On an electrician's truck, 'Let us remove your shorts.'

 

Outside a radiator repair shop, 'Best place in town to take a leak.'

 

On a maternity room door, 'Push, Push, Push.'

 

On a taxidermist's window, 'We really know our stuff.'

 

On a butcher's window, 'Let me meat your needs.'

 

On a fence, 'Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.'

 

On a muffler shop, 'No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming.'

 

In a dry cleaner's emporium, 'Drop your pants here.'

 

On a desk in a reception room, 'We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.'

 

In a veterinarian's waiting room, 'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'

 

In a Beauty Shop, 'Dye now!'

 

In a restaurant window, 'Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.'

 

In a cafeteria, 'Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.'

 

[aum]

Live, laugh, love.

 

If that doesn't work, load, aim and fire.

 

[aum]

An elderly Pastor Joe knew that ole Ben was a Saturday night boozer.

He always came to church on Sunday morning but always fell asleep from his Saturday night binges.

Pastor Joe told Ben that he was going to call on Ben at the end of the service.

He was going to ask him what the last song was sung.

If he could tell the congregation the name of the song he could choose the closing song.

Ben fought hard to stay awake and listen as Pastor Joe preached on the evils of alcohol and how every last drop should be

gathered up and thrown in the river.

It came time for the question to Ben okay Ben, what was the last song we sang?

Ben said I believe it was about some cross-eyed bear named Gladys.

Pastor Joe smiled and said.

“Well that was pretty close it was actually Gladly the Cross I’d Bear. Go ahead and pick our closing song. Thinking about what the

Pastor had preached about doing with all the alcohol, he smiled and said,

 

“Shall we gather at the river”

[Karlston]

[aum]

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

 

To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."

 

[aum]

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.

 

"What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop.

 

"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."

 

"Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it." The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.

 

A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"

 

 

[aum]

Five blondes go into a bar and one of them says to the bartender, "A round of drinks for me and my friends."
They get their drinks and the raise their glasses to a toast of, "To 51 days!" and they drink.

The "head blonde" asks the bartender to set them up again.

 

Again, the blondes toast "To 51 days!" and they drink. After they order a third round, the bartender says that he has to ask what the toast means.

 

The head blonde says, "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. On the box it said, "two to four years" and we finished it in 51 days".

 

[aum]

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her aride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station,yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.

'What did you do to get that Indian so excited?' asked the service-station attendant.

'Nothing,' the woman answered. 'I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off.'

'Lady,' the attendant said, 'Indians don't use saddles.

 

[aum]

One hot February day we found an old straggly cat at our door.

She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her and put her in a carrier and took her to the vet.

She had no name so we named her Puycat.

The vet decided to keep her for a day or so and said he would let us know when we could come and get her.

My husband, [the complainer] said, “OK, but don’t forget to wash her, she stinks.”

My husband and my vet don’t like each other.

He calls my husband El-cheap-O. My husband calls him El-Take-0. They love to hate each other.

Next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, which was located next door to the vet.

The doctor’s office was full of people waiting to see the doctor.

A side door opened and in leaned the vet; he had obviously seen my husband arrive.

 

He looked straight at my husband,

“Your wife’s puy is finally clean. She now smells like a rose. And by the way, I think she’s pregnant. God knows who the father is!”

 

And he closed the door.

 

[Karlston]

[aum]

Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. In heaven, they found God sitting on the great, white throne.

 

He addressed Al first. "Al, what do you believe in?"

Al replied, "Well, I believe I won the election in 2000, but it was your will that I did not serve. I've come to understand that now."

God thought for a second and said, "Very good. Come and sit at my left."

 

God then addressed Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?"

Bill replied, "I believe in forgiveness. I've sinned, but I've never held a grudge against my fellow man, and I hope no grudges are held against me."

Again, God thought for a second and then said, "You are forgiven, my son. Come and sit at my right."

 

God then turned to Hillary and asked, "Hillary, what do you believe in?"

She replied, "I believe you're sitting in my chair."

 

[aum]

Q: If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?
A: K9P.

Q: What does it mean when the flag is at half mast at the post office?
A: They're hiring.

 

Q: What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
A: 'Dam.'

 

Q: How do crazy people go through the forest?
A: They take the psycho path.

 

Q: What do you get from a pampered cow?
A: Spoiled milk.

 

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite.

 

Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
A: Because they have big fingers.

 

Q: What's a cat's favorite breakfast?
A: Mice Krispies.

 

Q: How does a lion like his steak?
A: Medium roar.

 

Q: What do frogs eat with their hamburgers?
A: French flies.

 

Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A: When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

 

Q: How do you get a kleenex to dance?
A: Put a boogie in it!

 

Q: Did you hear about the man who lost his whole left side?
A: He's all-right now!

 

[aum]

Pickpocket (visiting friend in jail): "I hired a lawyer for you this morning, Slim, but I had to hand him my Rolex as a retainer."

Slim: "Did he keep it?"

Pickpocket: "He thinks he did."

 

[Karlston]

[aum]

My horse will only come out of its stable when it gets dark.

It's becoming a night mare.

 

[Karlston]