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[JOTD] Joke of the day


rudrax

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A couple of elderly people fell asleep during a gondola tour in Venice

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Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.

 

The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"


The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.
 

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Michigan Tech strikes again!

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My fortune today

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A man died and arrived at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter greets him and says, "Welcome. Come walk with me and I'll show you where you'll be staying."

 

As they're walking along the path he notices clocks on the Golden Fence of Heaven.

He asks St. Peter, "What are all those clocks for?"

St. Peter replies, "They’re clocks for every person in the world. They click once for each time you lie."

 

By the time they reach where the man is staying, he asks out of curiosity, "I didn't see any politicians’ clocks.

Where are they kept?"

St. Peter calmly replies, "People here use them as fans."-
 

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A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterwards the pastor asked the man where he had gone.


"I went to get a haircut," was the reply.


"But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the service?"


"Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then."

 

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Thanks, I didn't realize

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During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you
determine whether or not an older person should be put in an Care Home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the
bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you
want a bed near the window?"

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Why are you littering?

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Female rats are sexier when clad in tiny jackets, says science

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Three doctors are waiting in line to get into the Pearly Gates. St. Peter walks out and asks the first one, "What have you done to enter Heaven?"


"I am a pediatrician and have brought thousands of the Lord's babies into the world."


"Good enough to enter the gates," replied St. Peter and in he goes. The same question is asked of the second doctor.


"I am a general practitioner and go to Third World countries three times a year to cure the poor." St. Peter is impressed and allows him through the gates. The third doctor steps up in line and knowing the question, blurts out, "I am a director of an HMO."


St. Peter meditates on this for a while and then says, "Fine, you can enter Heaven...but only for 2 days."
 

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Today… Alfredo spill in Memphis (Left), Marinara spill in California (Right). Have the pasta sauce companies launched a war? Is there a Pesto attack looming??

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A junior partner in a law firm was sent to represent a long-term client. After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted and released.

 

Excited about his success, the attorney emailed the firm: "Justice prevailed."


The senior partner replied in haste, "Appeal immediately!"



 

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Earlier today I saw a bumper sticker that said “I’m a veterinarian, therefore I can drive like an animal.”

Suddenly I realized how many proctologists there are on the roads….

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A plane hit a patch of severe turbulence and the passengers were holding on tight as it rocked and reeled through the night.

 

A little old lady turned to a minister who was sitting behind her and said, "You're a man of God. Can't you do something about this?"


He replied, "Sorry, I can't. I'm in sales, not management."

 

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On 8/30/2022 at 12:42 AM, ducky88 said:

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you
determine whether or not an older person should be put in an Care Home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the
bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you
want a bed near the window?"

not all bathtubs have a plug to pull out.. some have a button plug.. you push it down to close it.. and push it down to lift it..

and back in the day some people didnt have bath tubs.. they had metal tubs.. no taps.. and it was filled with a bucket so no plug hole.

just saying,.

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10 hours ago, ducky88 said:

Earlier today I saw a bumper sticker that said “I’m a veterinarian, therefore I can drive like an animal.”

Suddenly I realized how many proctologists there are on the roads….

Proctologists are surgeons who diagnose and treat disorders of the rectum, anus, and entire gastrointestinal tract.

The word “proctologist” is a bit outdated, though. These days, the preferred term is “colorectal surgeon” or “colon and rectal surgeon.”

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