Karlston Posted August 27, 2022 Share Posted August 27, 2022 A couple of elderly people fell asleep during a gondola tour in Venice funkyy, aum, TrojanK and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted August 28, 2022 Share Posted August 28, 2022 Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!" The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches. Karlston, ducky88 and funkyy 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted August 29, 2022 Share Posted August 29, 2022 Michigan Tech strikes again! funkyy, ducky88, aum and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted August 29, 2022 Share Posted August 29, 2022 My fortune today ducky88, funkyy and aum 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted August 29, 2022 Share Posted August 29, 2022 Whoever lost their iPhone outside the bar. Please stop ringing my new phone! lurch234, Karlston and ducky88 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted August 29, 2022 Share Posted August 29, 2022 A man died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter greets him and says, "Welcome. Come walk with me and I'll show you where you'll be staying." As they're walking along the path he notices clocks on the Golden Fence of Heaven. He asks St. Peter, "What are all those clocks for?" St. Peter replies, "They’re clocks for every person in the world. They click once for each time you lie." By the time they reach where the man is staying, he asks out of curiosity, "I didn't see any politicians’ clocks. Where are they kept?" St. Peter calmly replies, "People here use them as fans."- ducky88 and Karlston 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted August 29, 2022 Share Posted August 29, 2022 A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterwards the pastor asked the man where he had gone. "I went to get a haircut," was the reply. "But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the service?" "Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then." Karlston, lurch234 and ducky88 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted August 29, 2022 Share Posted August 29, 2022 ducky88 and Karlston 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted August 29, 2022 Share Posted August 29, 2022 Thanks, I didn't realize leapinlizards, aum, ducky88 and 3 others 1 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ducky88 Posted August 29, 2022 Share Posted August 29, 2022 During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an Care Home?" "Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?" funkyy, aum, lurch234 and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted August 30, 2022 Share Posted August 30, 2022 When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey. You know she's a keeper! funkyy, leapinlizards, lurch234 and 2 others 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted August 30, 2022 Share Posted August 30, 2022 Why are you littering? ducky88 and aum 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted August 30, 2022 Share Posted August 30, 2022 Female rats are sexier when clad in tiny jackets, says science ducky88, funkyy, aum and 2 others 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted August 31, 2022 Share Posted August 31, 2022 Three doctors are waiting in line to get into the Pearly Gates. St. Peter walks out and asks the first one, "What have you done to enter Heaven?" "I am a pediatrician and have brought thousands of the Lord's babies into the world." "Good enough to enter the gates," replied St. Peter and in he goes. The same question is asked of the second doctor. "I am a general practitioner and go to Third World countries three times a year to cure the poor." St. Peter is impressed and allows him through the gates. The third doctor steps up in line and knowing the question, blurts out, "I am a director of an HMO." St. Peter meditates on this for a while and then says, "Fine, you can enter Heaven...but only for 2 days." ducky88 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted August 31, 2022 Share Posted August 31, 2022 Today… Alfredo spill in Memphis (Left), Marinara spill in California (Right). Have the pasta sauce companies launched a war? Is there a Pesto attack looming?? aum, funkyy and ducky88 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ducky88 Posted August 31, 2022 Share Posted August 31, 2022 Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went there. It was the bathroom, but still …. aum, funkyy, Karlston and 1 other 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted September 1, 2022 Share Posted September 1, 2022 A junior partner in a law firm was sent to represent a long-term client. After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted and released. Excited about his success, the attorney emailed the firm: "Justice prevailed." The senior partner replied in haste, "Appeal immediately!" vitorio, Karlston and ducky88 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted September 1, 2022 Share Posted September 1, 2022 ducky88 and Karlston 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Karlston Posted September 1, 2022 Popular Post Share Posted September 1, 2022 Went to the zoo today and I'm 99% sure that's not a Cheetah... Homer Simpsom, aum, flash13 and 5 others 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Karlston Posted September 1, 2022 Popular Post Share Posted September 1, 2022 This tent looked a lot bigger on the website funkyy, TrojanK, lurch234 and 4 others 1 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ducky88 Posted September 2, 2022 Share Posted September 2, 2022 Earlier today I saw a bumper sticker that said “I’m a veterinarian, therefore I can drive like an animal.” Suddenly I realized how many proctologists there are on the roads…. lurch234, Homer Simpsom, TrojanK and 2 others 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted September 2, 2022 Share Posted September 2, 2022 Saw a lad standing on one leg at an ATM. Confused, I asked him what he was doing? He was just checking his balance. Karlston, ducky88, funkyy and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted September 2, 2022 Share Posted September 2, 2022 A plane hit a patch of severe turbulence and the passengers were holding on tight as it rocked and reeled through the night. A little old lady turned to a minister who was sitting behind her and said, "You're a man of God. Can't you do something about this?" He replied, "Sorry, I can't. I'm in sales, not management." Karlston, ducky88 and lurch234 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andy2004 Posted September 2, 2022 Share Posted September 2, 2022 On 8/30/2022 at 12:42 AM, ducky88 said: During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an Care Home?" "Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?" not all bathtubs have a plug to pull out.. some have a button plug.. you push it down to close it.. and push it down to lift it.. and back in the day some people didnt have bath tubs.. they had metal tubs.. no taps.. and it was filled with a bucket so no plug hole. just saying,. ducky88, funkyy and Karlston 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andy2004 Posted September 2, 2022 Share Posted September 2, 2022 10 hours ago, ducky88 said: Earlier today I saw a bumper sticker that said “I’m a veterinarian, therefore I can drive like an animal.” Suddenly I realized how many proctologists there are on the roads…. Proctologists are surgeons who diagnose and treat disorders of the rectum, anus, and entire gastrointestinal tract. The word “proctologist” is a bit outdated, though. These days, the preferred term is “colorectal surgeon” or “colon and rectal surgeon.” funkyy, ducky88 and Karlston 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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