aum Posted October 25, 2021 Share Posted October 25, 2021 A traveling salesman goes to a farm house. The farmer goes, I could put you up for one night, but you'll have to stay in the barn. So he spends the night there and the next morning the farmer comes in, he goes, Were you comfortable? He goes, I had a great time; I talked to all the animals. He goes, You talked to the animals? He goes, Yeah I spoke to the chickens, they say you collect the eggs every morning exactly at five minutes after six. He goes, That's exactly right. He says, The horse tells me his name is Otis, ' owned him for 10 years. He goes, That's incredible. And he goes, I spoke to the cow, the cow says that her name is Elsie and you milk her every morning at exactly 8:30. And then I spoke to the sheep. And the farmer goes, Those sheep are lying. ducky88, Karlston and funkyy 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted October 25, 2021 Share Posted October 25, 2021 My neighbor was working in his yard when he was startled by a late-model car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn. He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair. He said with excitement, “You appear quite elderly to be driving.” “Well, yes, I am,” she replied proudly. “I’ll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough, that I don’t even need a driver’s license anymore.” He asked “How do you know?” “The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver’s license. I told him, yes and handed it to him.” He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, saying,‘You won’t need this anymore.’ So I thanked him and left! Archimede and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted October 25, 2021 Share Posted October 25, 2021 Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" he asked. "Oh, Bill, you didn't," she said. "Yes, I did," he told her. "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" she asked. "Oh... she got fired too." TrojanK, Karlston, ducky88 and 2 others 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted October 25, 2021 Share Posted October 25, 2021 What is the best way to tune a bagpipe? With a Pitchfork! funkyy, aum, ducky88 and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ducky88 Posted October 25, 2021 Share Posted October 25, 2021 A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson, "You are spectacular; your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?" Mickelson replied, "The holes are numbered." funkyy, TrojanK, aum and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted October 26, 2021 Share Posted October 26, 2021 About a month ago, a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his priest, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refugee in my attic." "Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin."' "But I made him agree to pay me 200 Euros for every week he stayed." "I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause." "Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind." He paused for a moment and then said, "I have one more question..." "What is that, my son?" "Do I have to tell him the war is over?" Archimede, funkyy, ducky88 and 2 others 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted October 26, 2021 Share Posted October 26, 2021 President "T" decides it is time to do some public relations at a local Washington DC nursing home. The President begins his "tour" down the main hallway and passes by a little old man who doesn't seem to notice him. Sensing this, President "T" backtracks to the resident and asks, "Do you know who I am?" The little old man looks up from his walker and says, "No, but if you go to the front desk, they will tell you your name." Archimede, ducky88 and Karlston 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ducky88 Posted October 26, 2021 Share Posted October 26, 2021 A young man and a priest are playing golf together. At a short par-3, the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole, my son?" The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?" The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray." The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards. The young man says, "I don't know about you, father, but in my church, when we pray, we keep our head down." Karlston 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted October 26, 2021 Share Posted October 26, 2021 If you ever feel like your job has no purpose, always remember right now, there is someone who is installing a turn signal in a BMW. aum and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted October 26, 2021 Share Posted October 26, 2021 Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside. "Yes," says Sally, "a lock of my husband's hair." "But Larry's still alive." "I know, but his hair is gone." TrojanK, Karlston and ducky88 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted October 26, 2021 Share Posted October 26, 2021 After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results with one another. The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us! We gained 4 new families." The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained 6 new families." The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble makers!" ducky88, Karlston and leapinlizards 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted October 28, 2021 Share Posted October 28, 2021 I am not short. I'm just more down to earth than other people. Karlston, ducky88 and TrojanK 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted October 28, 2021 Share Posted October 28, 2021 Our computers went down at work today so we had to do everything manually. It took me 20 minutes to shuffle the cards for Solitaire. aum, funkyy and ducky88 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted October 28, 2021 Share Posted October 28, 2021 A man rushed into a bar and ordered a double martini. The man downed it with one swallow, put a five dollar bill on the bar, and turned and rushed out of the bar. The bartender picked up the five dollar bill, and folded it carefully and tucked it in his vest pocket. Just at that moment he looked up at the boss standing in the doorway staring at him. Doing a bit of fast thinking he said, "Hi boss, did you see that fellow just now? Came in here, bought a double martini, gave me a five dollar tip, and rushed out without paying." Karlston, ducky88 and funkyy 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted October 28, 2021 Share Posted October 28, 2021 A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn’t improve. Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, “When a musician just can’t handle his instrument and doesn’t improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer.” A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: “And if he can’t handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor.” Karlston, funkyy, ducky88 and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ducky88 Posted October 28, 2021 Share Posted October 28, 2021 On their first date, Joe took Rose to the carnival. When he asked her what she wanted to do first, Rose replied, "Get weighed." So Joe took her to the man with the scale who guesses people's weight. He looked at Rose and said, "One hundred and twenty pounds." Since Rose weighed in at one seventeen, she collected a prize. Next they went on the roller coaster. When the ride was finished, Joe asked Rose what she wanted to do next. "Get weighed," she said. So they went back to the man with the scale, who of course guessed Rose's weight correctly. Leaving without a prize, they went for a ride on the merry-go-round. After they got off, Joe asked Rose what she wanted to do next. "I want to get weighed!" she said again. Joe began to think this girl was quite strange, and decided to end the evening quickly. He left her at the door with a quick handshake. Rose's roommate was waiting up for her to return and asked how the evening went. "Wousy!" Rose replied aum, funkyy, leapinlizards and 2 others 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nSaneBill Posted October 28, 2021 Share Posted October 28, 2021 10 hours ago, ducky88 said: On their first date, Joe took Rose to the carnival. When he asked her what she wanted to do first, Rose replied, "Get weighed." So Joe took her to the man with the scale who guesses people's weight. He looked at Rose and said, "One hundred and twenty pounds." Since Rose weighed in at one seventeen, she collected a prize. Next they went on the roller coaster. When the ride was finished, Joe asked Rose what she wanted to do next. "Get weighed," she said. So they went back to the man with the scale, who of course guessed Rose's weight correctly. Leaving without a prize, they went for a ride on the merry-go-round. After they got off, Joe asked Rose what she wanted to do next. "I want to get weighed!" she said again. Joe began to think this girl was quite strange, and decided to end the evening quickly. He left her at the door with a quick handshake. Rose's roommate was waiting up for her to return and asked how the evening went. "Wousy!" Rose replied WMAO funkyy 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted October 28, 2021 Share Posted October 28, 2021 8 minutes ago, nSaneBill said: WMAO LMAO. funkyy 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
funkyy Posted October 28, 2021 Share Posted October 28, 2021 On 10/25/2021 at 7:11 PM, Karlston said: What is the best way to tune a bagpipe? With a Pitchfork! Watch it wee man!!🏴🏴🏴 Karlston and aum 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted October 28, 2021 Share Posted October 28, 2021 I wanted to marry an English teacher when she got out of jail... But you can't end a sentence with a proposition. ducky88, funkyy and aum 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ducky88 Posted October 29, 2021 Share Posted October 29, 2021 A man is poaching turtles to sell to the local restaurants, when a police man catches him . The cop says "it's illegal to poach turtles out of this river, they’re an endangered species”? The man says to the officer, “no this is my pet turtle. I bring him down here everyday and let him go for a swim. He swims across the river and back”. “Bulls**t” the officer replies. So the man places the turtle in the water and says “watch this”. The turtle swims out and the two men are standing there waiting. Ten minutes goes past and the officer says “well where’s the turtle?”. The man replies ...“what turtle”? funkyy, Karlston, aum and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted October 29, 2021 Share Posted October 29, 2021 When I look at chocolate, I hear two voices in my head. The first one says, "You need to eat the chocolate.” The second one says, "You heard. Eat the chocolate." ducky88 and Karlston 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted October 29, 2021 Share Posted October 29, 2021 Eskimos are so smart. Every response is ‘I nuit'. Karlston, funkyy and ducky88 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted October 29, 2021 Share Posted October 29, 2021 aum and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ducky88 Posted October 30, 2021 Share Posted October 30, 2021 I just saw a fella in my garden who was wearing a baseball cap, rugby shirt, golfing trousers and tennis shoes, so I shouted "hey what's your frigging game" Karlston and aum 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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