[JOTD] Joke of the day

[ducky88]

A young Nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, there was a gas station just one block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.

The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he loaned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.

Since the nun was on her way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas,

she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car, two men watched her from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "I know that the Lord turned water into wine, but if that car starts, I'm going to church every Sunday for the rest of my life."

[vitorio]

God works in mysterious ways

[Archimede]

On 4/12/2021 at 12:57 AM, Karlston said:

For fans of the great folk-rock group America...

 

Olaf the Norseman is shopping at a supermarket...

 

Mate you always rock, but now with "A Horse with No Name" you rock big time!

 

Sorry I have to ask, did you come up with this joke yourself or you read/heard it somewhere? I am still laughing

 

Edited April 17, 2021 by Archimede

[aum]

A student burst into his professor’s office and says, "Professor, I don't believe I deserve this 'F' grade that you've given me!"

 

To which Professor replied, "I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me to award."

 

[aum]

Three guys die together in an accident and go to heaven.

 

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!"

 

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he has ever seen. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to the ugly woman!"

 

The next day, the second guy steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first guy.

 

The third guy has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very, VERY careful where he steps. He manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he has ever laid eyes on: a very tall, tan, curvaceous, sexy blonde. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

 

The guy remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" She says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

 

[Karlston]

9 hours ago, Archimede said:

Sorry I have to ask, did you come up with this joke yourself or you read/heard it somewhere? I am still laughing

 

Not mine. Shamelessly stolen borrowed from Whirlpool's TPR Really Bad Jokes Thread.

 

TPR = The Pool Room forum, access is by invitation only to long-time helpful members and best of all, it's political correctness free.

 

Funny images come from OCAU (Overclockers Australia). New set posted every Friday afternoon (Australian time UTC+10). May need registration.

[Rainmaker]

 

// R

[Karlston]

Wife: Have you seen the dog bowl?

 

Husband: No, but he's pretty good at skating.

 

---

 

I picked up a hitch-hiker last night. He said that I was brave and what if he had been a serial killer?

 

I shrugged and said that the odds of two serial killers being in one car would be astronomical.

 

Funnily enough he ran off at the next lights.

[aum]

After hearing a speech on how to motivate employees, the business owner posted signs that read "Do It Now" in every department. It was impossible for the employees not to see them all through the day.

A friend dropped by a week later. Seeing the signs, he asked if the scheme really worked.

"Well," said the business owner, "not exactly the way I thought it would.

 

My accountant ran off with $250,000, the office manager eloped with my secretary and the rest of the employees asked for raises."

 

 

[aum]

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted," Are there any gators around here?!"

 

"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"

 

"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.

 

About halfway there he asked the guy," How'd you get rid of the gators?"

 

"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.

 

"The sharks got 'em."

 

 

[ducky88]

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.

[Karlston]

My neighbours have been constantly complaining about me having sex and groaning too loudly every morning...

 

If they only knew that's just me trying to put my socks on.

[aum]

A little girl was asked what she wanted most for her birthday and she declared: "A baby brother."

"Daddy and I would like to give you a baby brother," said her mom, "but there isn't time before your birthday."

"Why don't you do like they do down at Daddy's factory when they want something in a hurry? Put more men on the job."

 

 

[aum]

Someone broke into my garage last night and took a bunch of stuff, including my limbo stick!

Seriously, how low can you go?

 

 

[Karlston]

Spoiler

From America to Simon & Garfunkel...

 

[aum]

Tim: I wish I had the money to buy an elephant.

Tom: What do you want with an elephant?

Tim: Nothing, I just want the money.

 

[aum]

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."

 

The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."

 

[aum]

A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water.

Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town.

 

Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.

 

After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates.

 

The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in my congregation, it's my face they would recognize."

 

[aum]

Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she's ever had. After dinner, she goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs.

 

She is met by two brothers, "Hello, I'm Brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles." "I'm very pleased to meet you.

 

I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever tasted. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"

 

Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar." She turns the other brother and says, "Then you must be...?"

 

"Yes, I'm the chip monk."

 

[Karlston]

My wife just nudged me and said, "You weren't even listening, were you?"

 

I thought... that's a strange way to start a conversation.

[ducky88]

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he's allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throat and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

[ducky88]

One day Jesus and Moses were playing a round of Golf at the Heavenly Acres Golf Club.
They approached Hole number 9, which is a 200 yard hole with a large pond between the tee box and the green.
Moses stepped up first, lined up his shot, and took the safe route, landing on the fairway on the shore of the pond, well to the right of the hole.
Jesus stepped up, and said "You know, Tiger woods won the Masters on this same hole at Augusta, and he got it in in two strokes- by using his nine iron to go straight for the green... if Tiger Woods can do it, I can do it."
So Jesus pulled out his nine iron, hit it and of course the ball plopped straight into the pond. Moses chuckled, then split the pond in half, so Jesus could walk down and get the ball.
Jesus returned the ball to the drop spot, and still wielding his nine iron said "If Tiger Woods can do it, so can I." Predictably, the ball ended up in the pond again.
"Jesus, you're on your own with this one."
So Jesus began to walk across the pond to retrieve his ball.
With all this going on, another pair of golfers had caught up with them, and now were waiting for Jesus and Moses to finish up on the hole.
Upon seeing Jesus walking on the pond, one of the men said "Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ?"
Moses turned to him and said, "No, Tiger Woods."

[aum]

Two salesmen were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them.

 

She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their offer and slammed the door in their faces.

 

To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open.

 

She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result-the door bounced back open.

Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said:

 

“Ma'am, before you do that again you need to move your cat.”

 

[aum]

Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night.

 

She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market."

 

"Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically," remarked his friend.

 

"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."

 

[aum]

I was dismayed this afternoon when my wife told me my 6-year-old son wasn't actually mine.

She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.