[JOTD] Joke of the day

[aum]

Boss (to the new employee): We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?
New employee: Yes, sir.

Boss: We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat.

 

[aum]

Two hunters are walking through a forest looking for deer. When all of a sudden, a giant bear jumps out and scares the shit out of them. They drop their guns and run like hell.

One of the hunters stopped, opened up his backpack and laced up a pair of tennis shoes. His buddy looked at him and said, "What are you doing? Are you crazy? You can't outrun the bear!"

To this the hunter said, "I know, all I have to do is outrun you!"

 

[aum]

Jose and Carlos are panhandlers that panhandle in different areas of town.
Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects $2-3 every day.
Jose brings home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.

One day, Carlos asked Jose: “I work just as long and hard as you do, but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?”
“Look at your sign, what does it say?” replies Jose.
Carlos’ sign reads: “I have no work, a wife and six kids to support.”
Jose says: “no wonder you only get $2-3.”

‘Carlos says: “So what does your sign say then?”

Jose shows Carlos his sign – it reads: “I only need another $10 to move back to Mexico”

 

[aum]

My friend bought a bus pass to a nude beach.

It turned out to be a ticket to no wear.

 

[aum]

The lawyer was cross-examining a witness.

“Isn’t it true, “he bellowed, “that you were given $500.00 to throw this case?”
The witness did not answer. Instead, he just stared out the window as though he hadn’t heard the question. The attorney repeated himself, again getting the same reaction - no response.
Finally, the judge spoke to the witness, “Please answer the question.”

“Oh,” said the startled witness, “I thought he was talking to you.”

 

[aum]

The passenger tapped the cab driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the car,nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. 

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mister, don't ever do that again. You

scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much.

The driver replied, "You're right. I'm sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver.I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years".

 

[aum]

[aum]

One day The Lord came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got some good news and some bad news," The Lord said.

 

Adam looked at The Lord and said, "Well, give me the good news first."

 

Smiling, The Lord explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to create new things, solve problems, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will give you great physical pleasure and allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."

 

Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"

 

The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "You will never be able to use these two gifts at the same time."

 

[aum]

A lady walks into the drug store and asks the druggist for some arsenic.

The druggist asks, "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?"
The lady says, "To kill my husband."
"I can't sell you any for that reason," says the druggist.
The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position, the man is her husband and the lady is the druggist's wife, and shows it to the druggist.

He looks at the photo and says, "Oh I didn't know you had a prescription!"

 

[aum]

Jerry was sitting down for breakfast one morning when he was astonished to see in the paper an announcement of his own death.

He called his friend at once, "Jim, have you seen the announcement of my death in the paper?"

Jim replied, "Yes, and exactly where are you calling from?"

 

Edited December 14, 2025 by aum

[aum]

My 7 year-old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans.

I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but... look at the phones that kids your age are making in China!"

[Karlston]

The optimist says the glass is half-full, the pessimist says it's half-empty, but the engineer says the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

[aum]

After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money."

"Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?"

 

"Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."

 

[aum]

A wife is having sex with her husband's best friend one day. Soon the phone rings, so she answers it.

"Yes... uh, huh... OK... yes... bye."

Her husband's best friend says: "Who was it?"

"That was my husband," she replied.

The man jumped out of bed, and tried to put on his clothes in a hurry.

 

"Relax," said the wife. "He just called to tell me he was out playing golf with you"

 

[aum]

A cocky State Highways employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road."
The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field."

The Highways employee said, "I have the authority of the State Government to go where I want. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on farm land."
So the old farmer went about his farm chores.
Later, he heard loud screams and saw the State Highways employee running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and the bull was gaining on the employee at every step!

The old farmer called out, "Show him your card!"

 

[aum]

A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand.

 

"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.

 

"He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied.

 

The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

 

 

[aum]

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.

 

Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

 

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying as though he were ill, and said. "Johnny what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

 

[aum]

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an green envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Dad".

With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Mariel and she is so nice-even with all her piercing, tattoos, and her tight Motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion dad, she's pregnant and Mariel said that we will be very happy.
Even though you don't care for her as she is so much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. She wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.
Mariel taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Mariel can get better; she sure deserves it!!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son, Tom

PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

 

[aum]

There was the elderly man of 80 years who told his doctor that he was about to marry a 20-year-old.

 

The doctor said, "That's great", but thinking of the young bride, said, "Why don't you also take in a young boarder after you get married."

The man said, "That's a great idea, Doc. We'll do just that."

A few months later, the Doctor saw the 80-year-old man, and asked him how he was, and how was his marriage to the young wife?

The man replied, "Fine Doc. And she's fine, too. As a matter of fact, she's pregnant!"

The Doctor smiled, and asked, "And how is the young boarder?"

The man replied, "Oh, she's pregnant, too."

 

[aum]

He pulled up to work with his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it.

He replied, "Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours,

 

I can get an even better one next year."

 

[aum]

An old man walks into a bar, sits down, and starts crying.

The bartender asks, “What’s wrong?” The old man looks at the bartender through Teary eyes and between sobs says, “I married a beautiful woman two days ago. She’s a natural blonde, twenty-five, intelligent, a marvelous cook, a meticulous housekeeper, extremely sensitive to my wants and needs, very giving, my best friend, and intensely passionate in bed.”

The bartender stares at the old man for a brief moment and says, “But that sounds great! You have what every man wants in a woman, so why are crying?”

The old man looks at the bartender and says, “I can’t remember where I live!”

 

[Karlston]

[aum]

The devil meets him at the gate and says, "Alright, you have died and come to hell. You will spend eternity here, but you get to choose how to spend it. You may choose one of these three doorways. Once you choose a door, you may not change it. So let's get started."

 

The devil opens Door One. The guy looks in and sees a couple of people standing on their heads on a Concrete floor. The guy says, "No way, let's move on."

 

The devil opens Door Two. The guy sees a few more people standing on their heads on a Wood floor. The guy says, "No way, let's move on."

 

The devil opens Door Three. The guy sees a bunch of people standing knee-deep in cow manure drinking coffee. The guy says, "Great, this is the one I will chose."

The devil says, "OK, wait right here, I will get you some coffee."

The guy settles in with his coffee thinking that this isn't so bad. What's the big deal?

 

After about 10 minutes a voice comes over the loud speaker saying, "Coffee break's over. Back on your heads!"

 

[Karlston]

[aum]

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop.

 

"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."

 

"Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it." The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.

 

A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"