[JOTD] Joke of the day

[aum]

A man walks into a bar and orders a free drink

 

The bartender says "Sorry mate, you have to pay up. I can't just serve a free drink

The man then whispers "I have a 10 inch pianist in my pocket, and he can play a little jig for you. If I can prove that, can I get the drink then?"

The bartender ponders, but then agrees. The man pulls out the pianist, and he plays "The Entertainer" before hopping back in the man's pocket. Baffled, the bartender gives him the promised free drink.

 

The man whispered "I also have a magic Genie, who was the one that gave me this pianist. If I let him grant you one wish, can I get another free drink?"

The bartender, already in shock over the tiny piano man in his pocket, agrees. The man pulls out a lamp, and out comes a Genie, ready to grant wishes.

The bartender exclaims "I want a million bucks!" And all of a sudden, a million ducks enter the bar.

 

"Ducks?! I didn't want ducks!" The bartender shouts. The man looks at him, dead in the eyes and says "You think I wanted a 10 inch pianist?"

 

[aum]

Mindy: "I finally fixed that annoying noise in my car."
Missy: "Really? How did you do it?'
Mindy: "I opened the door and pushed him out."
 

[aum]

Husband: Babe, after work I had an accident. Sabrina took me to the hospital. After various tests, they said I was in a bad state with cervical dislocation, multiple facial injuries. Also, they will have to amputate my right leg.

Wife: Who is Sabrina?

[aum]

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead off food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex."

[aum]

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blond begins to slide from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway.

The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious of its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blond attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.

 

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune Frank, a Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

...... And you thought all they did was say Hello.

[Karlston]

[aum]

My wife is incredibly smart.
When I called her from my buddy’s phone she answered, “Hey love!”

She already knew it was me.

 

[aum]

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "but no one knows what God looks like."

 

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

 

[aum]

"Doc, you've got to help my husband," a farmer's wife said frantically. "He thinks he's a racehorse. He wants to live in a stable; he walks on all fours and he even eats hay."
"I'm sure I can cure him," the doctor replied, "but it'll be very costly."

"Oh, money's no object," she responded. "He's already won two races."

 

[Karlston]

[Karlston]

[aum]

A 60-year-old man went to a doctor for a check-up.

 

The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever; you have the body of a 35-year-old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?"

The 60-year-old responded, "Did I say he was dead?"

The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?"

The 60-year-old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer."

The doctor couldn't believe it! So he said, "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?"

The 60-year-old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?"

The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?"

The 60-year-old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again."

The doctor said, "At 106 years why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?"

 

His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Did I say he wanted to?"

 

[aum]

The minister and his wife place an ad for a butler. Early the next morning a nicely dressed young man appears at their front door.

 

The minister asks him, "Can you fix breakfast by 7:00 a.m. every day?"
"Well ... I guess I can."
"And can you make the beds, dust the living room, do the dishes, cut the grass, and polish the silver also?"

"Gee, Sir, I just came by to see about getting married. But if it's going to be that much work, you can count me out!"

 

[aum]

Here is the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than do the British or Americans.
The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

Conclusion:  Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

 

[aum]

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.

"Oh, we'll never need that. My wife and I have a great relationship," the husband explained. "She was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts.

 

She communicates well and I act like I'm listening."

 

[aum]

A kindergarten student was having trouble putting on his boots, and asked his teacher for help.

 

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. Finally they got both boots on. She grimaced when the little boy said, "They're on the wrong feet."
Sure enough, they were. The teacher kept her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the correct feet. The little boy then announced, "These aren't my boots." The teacher sighed and pulled the boots off.
The boy then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them."
The teacher felt like crying, but she mustered up the strength to wrestle the boots back onto his feet.

"Now," she said, "where are your mittens?"

The boy replied, "I stuffed them in my boots...."

 

[aum]

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods!

 

A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God!

 

 

[aum]

What did 2 tell 3 when they saw 6 acting like an idiot?

 

Don’t worry about him -- he’s just a product of our times.

 

[aum]

A powerful Emperor advertised for a new Chief Samurai. Only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai.

 

Number One Samurai, "Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.

The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box, and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and "swish"; the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!

 

"What a feat!" said the Emperor. "Number Two Samurai, show me what you can do."

The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his samurai sword and "swish, swish"; the fly fell to the floor, neatly quartered!

 

"That is skill!" nodded the Emperor. "How are you going to top that, Number Three Samurai?"

Number Three Samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box, release one fly, drew his Samurai sword, and "swooosh" flourished his sword so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room. But the fly was still buzzing around!

In disappointment, the Emperor said, "What kind of skill is that? The fly isn't even dead."

 

"Dead, schmed," replied the Jewish Samurai. "Dead is easy. What takes real skill is circumcision"

 

[aum]

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange.

The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?"
The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times.
"One day," he begins, "I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream."
"No s**t?" says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.
"Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, 'Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes.'"
"Keep going!"
I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. Poof! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.
She said, "You now have three wishes."
I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger." She nodded, snapped her fingers, and Poof there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!
She then asked, "What will be your second wish?"
"What next?" begged the bartender.
I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours!
Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?"

I looked at her and replied, "How 'bout a little head?"

 

[aum]

A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Mr.Smith. He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Mr. Smith asked: "What is the usual tip?"
"Well," replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great."
"Is that so?" snorted Mr. Smith. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars."
"Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund."
"What are you studying in school?" asked Larry.

The lad smiled and said: "Applied psychology."

 

[aum]

A newlywed couple moves into their new house.

 

One day, the husband comes home from work and his wife says: "Honey, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking in the upstairs bathroom. Could you fix it?"
The husband says: "What do I look like? Mr. Plumber?"
A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says: "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"
He says: "What do I look like? Mr. Goodwrench?"
Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says: "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?"
He says: "What do I look like, Bob Vila?"
The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened.
"Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says.
"Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls.
The wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him."
"Well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband.

"What do I look like?" she says. "Betty Crocker?"

 

[Karlston]

[aum]

A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.

 

The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93.

When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren and a fifteen foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

 

[ducky88]

A market crash is worse than a divorce.

You lose half of your money and your wife is still around.