[JOTD] Joke of the day

[aum]

One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose.

Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very nice."

"Oh please, Mom," replied the daughter, "if he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"

 

[aum]

The attorney tells the accused, "I have some good news and some bad news."

"What’s the bad news?" asks the accused.
"The bad news is, your blood is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it."

"What’s the good news?"

"Your cholesterol level is good."
 

[aum]

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

 

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

'What in bag?' asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'

 

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, 'Good trade.'

 

[aum]

Maurice walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cab driver says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Dave."

"Who?"
"Dave Ableman. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave."
"There are always a few clouds over everybody," says Maurice.
"Not Dave. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star."
"He was something, huh?"
"He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and I black out the whole neighborhood."
"No wonder you remember him."

"Well, I never actually met Dave."
"Then how do you know so much about him?" asks Maurice.

"Because I married his widow."

 

[aum]

Visiting the modern art museum, a lady turned to an attendant standing nearby.

"This," she said, "I suppose, is one of those hideous representations you call modern art?"

 

"No, Madam," replied the attendant. "That one's called a mirror."

 

[aum]

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased.

I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"

 

Mom smiled and then replied, "I remember."

 

[aum]

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

 

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

 

The guy replies, "I'm Speedy Mann, taxi-driver, of New York City."

 

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom." The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

 

Next it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Meek , pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years."

 

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"

 

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

 

[aum]

A man comes home from a night of drinking with the boys.

As he falls through the doorway of his house, his wife snaps at him, “what’s the big idea coming home half drunk?”

 

The man replies, “I’m sorry, honey. I ran out of money.”

 

[aum]

A passenger on a Royal Caribbean cruise leaped overboard and escaped on a jet ski after allegedly running up a $16,000 gambling debt during his week-long vacation. 

 

(Really happened.  )

[Karlston]

[aum]

One day, a man at a restaurant suddenly called out, "Help! My son's choking! He swallowed a quarter! Please, anyone! Help!"

A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He casually walked over, wrapped his arms around the boy's abdomen and squeezed.
Out popped the quarter.
The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened.

"Thank you! Thank you!" the father cried. "Are you a paramedic?"

"No," replied the man. "I work for the IRS."

 

[Karlston]

[aum]

Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit 33% of applicants today. The admissions standard: Who died the worst death? So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in turn and asks them about how they died.

 

First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The last place I looked was out on the balcony.

 

I found the guy hanging from the edge, trying to get back in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer, and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the jerk. He landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refrigerator from the kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went back into the bedroom and shot myself."

 

St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then, telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.

 

Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily, I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I landed in some bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of luck, but it didn't last. The last thing I saw was this enormous refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and crushing me."

 

St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.

 

Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a refrigerator..."

 

Edited October 13, 2025 by aum

[aum]

A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, 'In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.'

But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

 

[aum]

The Laws of Thermodynamics are simple.

First Law of Thermodynamics: You can't win.
Second Law of Thermodynamics: You can't break even.
Third Law of Thermodynamics: You can't stop playing.

 

[aum]

A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.

"How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."
"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died."
"Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband."
"He died of a broken neck."
"A broken neck?"

"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

 

[aum]

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish."

 

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

 

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to."

 

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish. A wish you think would honor and glorify me."

 

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing,' and how I can make a woman truly happy."

 

After a few minutes, God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

 

[aum]

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?"

 

"Because every time I talk to a a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."

 

[aum]

Son: “Mom, can I have $20?”
Mom: “Does it look like I am made of money?”

Son: “Well, isn't that what M-O-M stands for?”

 

[aum]

A customer at Green's Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence.

"Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?"

"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Green replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."
"You sell them here?" the customer asks.
"Only $4 apiece," says Green.
The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.
"You didn't eat enough, " says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.
"Hey, Green," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for $4 apiece when I can buy the whole fish for $2. You're ripping me off!"

 

"You see?" says Green. "You're getting smarter already!"

 

[aum]

Jim was startled to see the nonchalant way Jon was taking the fact that his lady love was seen with another man.

 

"You said you love her and yet you saw her with another man and you didn't knock the guy down?"

"I'm waiting," Jon said.

"Waiting for what?" asked Jim.

 

"Waiting to catch her with a smaller man."

 

[aum]

A woman took her dog to the parlor for a haircut and asked what it would cost. Being told that it would be fifty dollars, she was outraged. "I only pay thirty for my own haircut," she said.

The groomer said, "That may be true, but then you don't bite!"

 

[aum]

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."

 

[Karlston]

[aum]

There was a young Scottish boy called Angus who decided to try life in Australia. He found an apartment in a small block and settled in.

After a week or two, his mother called from Aberdeen to see how her son was doing in his new life.

'I'm fine, ' Angus said. 'But there are some really strange people living in these apartments. One woman cried all day long, another lies on her floor moaning, and there is a guy next door to me who bangs his head on the wall all the time.'

'Well, ma laddie,' says his mother, 'I suggest you don't associate with people like that.'

'Oh,' says Angus, 'I don't, Mam, I don't. No, I just stay inside my apartment all day and night, playing my bagpipes.'